STOP!!

Unstoppable was the word that described her the best.  Even the red lights at the traffic stop could not stop her. She was fast and rebellious. She drove like she was competing with the wind.  It was past midnight and she was on the road racing with the wind. And for the first time ever she pressed the brake this hard. The car came to a screeching halt on the bridge. She rushed out of the car and ran towards the silhouette of a man standing near the edge of the bridge. This would have scared any other person but she was unstoppable. The man was about to jump off the bridge. She shouted “hey you, STOP!!”  The next moment she saw something falling down rather flying in mid air. She shouted “STOP YOU FOOL!!”  She knew she was too late. She could not save him. She was too stunned to move. She just saw someone die and she could not do anything. She was freezing and could not move . She was woken up from her state of shock by the light on the bridge which also died. Even darkness never stopped her. And all of a sudden she was scared of it. She tried to move towards her car, she tried to run but could barely move her feet. She had never walked this slow in her whole life. She closed her eyes and whispered to herself “run”. And the moment she sprang into acion she heard a chilling cold voice “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could not move an inch. Her legs froze.  She felt cold yet she was sweating. She looked back she could see nothing nobody. It was pitch dark. She ran to her car and drove back home. She took a shower trying to calm herself down she could still hear the cold voice ringing in her ears. She thought it to be happening inside her head maybe she was simply shaken up with what had just happened few minutes back. She popped in some pills and forced herself to sleep.

                                                                         She woke up late with a bad headache as if she had a bad hangover. Slowly she recalled the events of the previous night. She forced herself out of bed and rushed. She made herself a cup of coffee and put the bread on the toaster and grabbed the newspaper. The headlines flashed “ man jumps off Bridge 10 and kills himself.”  A part of her wanted to read the whole story about who the man was what are the probable reasons behind his suicide.  As she moved her eyes down to the main story she heard a cold voice “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  The coffee mug slipped from her hand and crashed on the ground. She threw away the newspaper and just looked at the broken pieces of the mug. She could not hear the toaster bell ring. The burnt smell got her back to her senses. She rushed outside without bothering to clean up the mess. She drove like a maniac. She thought she just needed some time to get over it. The voice is all her imagination. She stopped at her favourite place, the library. She headed straight for the classics. She was about to pull out her favourite book when the voice haunted her again “STOP!!STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could not move her hands. The voice screamed into her ears. It cannot be just imagination. She ran to her car. Back home she popped in some sleeping pills and hit the bed. Few hours later the cold voice whispered into her ears  “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  She got up screaming. It was raining outside and the wind kept knocking the window. She thought it was all in her mind.  She made herself some pasta and switched on the tv. She kept on increasing the volume but still nothing was audible. She shook off the remote and tried again.The volume kept increasing and still she could not hear a word. She was almost inside the television trying to hear and finding out what was wrong and finally she heard it. It was loud and colder than before “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  It came right from inside the tv. She was never this scared before. She rushed back to her room shouting and crying. She calmed herself down its all in her head. She just needed rest. A week passed she could barely eat sleep or do anything. The voices kept haunting her all the time. She acted weird at times. It was weird for others not for her. She would stop dead in the middle of  a presentation, coffee mugs kept crashing on the ground, she would throw away stuffs all of a sudden,  she would start running, stop speaking, and even stopped her car in a no parking zone. To every other person around her everything about her was abnormal. Nobody could hear what she heard. She visited the pyschiatrist. The moment she opened her mouth she heard “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could barely speak. She forced herself to anti depressants and sleeping pills. But the voice never left her.

                                                                  One night she drove aimlessly frustrated with the voice. She came across Bridge 10 she increased the speed and then she heard it “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  It wasn’t the cold voice it was her own she remembered the night she tried saving the man. These were her words. She jumped out of the car and rushed to the spot where the man stood that night. She screamed out loud “DON’T STOP!!JUST GOOO!!! LET GOO OFFF ME YOU FOOL!LET GO OFF ME!!!” She felt someone pushing her or rather letting go off her. And before she could understand she felt she was flying off in mid air. She heard someone shout from above the bridge “STOP!!” The light post laughed out loud and the light died down.

Every full moon night She cried out for a love she could not touch..!!

A flickering light flashed on her face and a gentle breeze blew her hair. And for the first time in many years she opened her eyes without compulsion. She witnessed something beautiful through the broken glass of the window. She dragged herself to the window and was awestruck at the beauty of the silver coloured grass. She felt like the moon had bathed the entire world in its colour. Little did she know then that the entire world meant just her world. She had never felt something this beautiful on her face before. For years she had been subjected to various kind of lights that wretched her but for the first time this silver light had a peculiar aura.  She wanted to absorb more of it. She searched for the source behind this powerful brightness. And high above the moon played hide and seek with her. It kept hiding in between the branches of the tree. She tried hard to see it but could only catch a glimpse of it. For the first time in many years she was this curious, this restless. Hours passed and the moon kept running away to a direction that her eyes could not follow. And the broken glass just became a broken glass yet again in sometime. The ray of light and hope vanished. She forced herself back to bed with a broken heart.  

                                                              When the sun peeped into her room she got up with excitement that  the golden light would soon be replaced by the silver light. She waited anxiously for the the day to end. The sun bade farewell but the newly found love of her life never turned up to meet her. The sky was beset with clouds and forbade the meeting. Disappointed and broken she kept looking at the dark clouds. Sometimes begging them to move and sometimes cursing them. And she was back to her lonely painful  dark life. Another day passed , and the silver light crept inside through the broken glass. Her joy knew no bounds. She smiled like never before. She stared without winking at the precious white ball on the sky. She did not count the hours she had spent simply looking at it. She was in love, the kind of love she never had known to have existed. She was intoxicated with love. And the lustrous moon played its part, it shone even brighter. There was something magical about the moon. She could not keep her eyes away from it even for a second. She was scared what if it vanished again she would have to wait for another one day and what if she did not live to see it again. She did not want to die, not now, not anymore. She wanted to live to feel and touch her newly found love.

                                                               The days passed and the bitter pills,cruel needles did not bother her anymore. She was ready to tolerate everything just to live for one more night. The sun had become a villain in her story.The few hours in the night that she spent with her long distance love were the only part of the whole day that she lived, she smiled and she looked forward to. She hated those nights when she would eagerly wait for her love and it would never turn up. But she was determined to live for another day just to express her unspoken love. She was indulged in her unbelievable world of love on a full moon night. She let the silver light bathe her face. She never felt more beautiful.  She did not budge a bit from her state of intoxication till her body gave up. By the time she opened her eyes the love of her life had vanished. She was shattered. Little did she know that just like she was beholden to her pills the moon was beholden to the sun. She closed her eyes. She could not see the moon shining again.

                                                               Every full moon night when the moon shines brightly on the graveyard, someone cries out loud from a coffin in the far corner of the yard. She cries out for the love she could not ever touch, for a love she would never touch. Few miles away a grandma tells her little grandchildren “go to bed the werewolf howls again.”

"V" Day!

I was just 7 or 8 years old when I learnt the importance of 14^th February. I learnt it from the Children’s Encyclopedia.  Valentine’s Day is the day you celebrate love, you tell the people you love how much you care about them. And it also taught us to make Valentine’s Day cards for “mom” “dad”. Tell your mom how much you love her. I was confused. Do I seriously need a particular day to tell that to them? What’s so special about this day? And to confuse me even more the idiot box played its part. Whichever channel I switch to there is someone singing for someone expressing their love, someone confessing about their feelings and the romantic songs dedication, college kids (back then they were matured adults for me)howling n shouting much like the neelam show from kuch kuch hota hai. Perhaps Saffron brigade wasn’t that active back then.  But none of them expressed their love for their mom or dad. The colourful lovely three pages of encyclopedia was a waste then? Either the one who wrote it doesn’t know about Valentine’s Day or the people on television haven’t read what I have read. So finally I ended up asking my mom. She told me a story. Perhaps this incident happened in Rome. There was a king I don’t remember his name. There was a threat attack on his kingdom. An impending war was inevitable. Hence the king forbade his soldiers from getting married.(I wish we had such kings now :P not a single wedding to take place till you fight a war, climb a mountain or maybe travel at least  10 countries :P ) but who could stop the people blinded by love? They wanted to get married. And here comes our hero “St Valentines”, he solemnised all the weddings secretly in the church disobeying the kings order. He could not keep the love birds away from each other. So he was imprisoned and executed on the 14^th of February.  And the couples commemorated him by celebrating 14^th February as Valentine’s Day. A day dedicated to love. Sigh! All the love stories have to end with the important characters death be it Romeo Juliet or be it the person who helped the love sick couples. And the story got imprinted in my mind since then. So basically we celebrate this in memory of a martyr. I don’t know if the whole story is truth or myth but this story made more sense than the whole concept of dedicating 1 day to the three words, pink red hearts, flowers, and what not.

And as I grew up there was no more just Valentine’s Day but a whole Valentines week. Back in school the best part about the whole valentine’s week was the mix taped romantic songs you get in one cassette. Valentine special offers on music cassettes, all your favourite romantic songs together. This is more of a fashionable week dedicated to all the people into cards, teddy bears, flowers, chocolates, and jewellery ring business. It must be like the best time of the year for them.  Had there been any props for hugs and kisses I am sure even that business would have boomed during this week. The stores the cafeterias coffee shops all go pink with hearts and balloons. And everyone gets drunk to the idea of celebrating love and its side effects in this particular week. And the ones who find it a pretty expensive affair and the ones who don’t have that special someone to pamper or be pampered are drunk on the idea that a better “single” life exists for them today and maybe they don’t need a day to celebrate their love. And some are drunk on the idea that love doesn't exist.. "huh! but I will marry out of the fear of dying alone and to fulfill society's demand but never celebrate valentines day."  And for people like me it is just another Saturday afternoon where I crib why do I have to take a shower daily? It makes me sleepy and hence would spoil my lovey dovey date with books!! They don’t love me when I am sleepy we tend to lose the whole chemistry between us..! adios! I won’t get lunch till I get a shower. Happy Valentine’s Day!! J

YOU DON’T NEED WATER TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING..

Washroom isnt the place to check your results but I wanted to check it alone. I went numb. No its definitely not my marks perhaps it’s a 68 not a 38 if I zoom it will be a 68. No it wasn't I saw 38s and just saw the word FAIL! It cant be my marks. I didn’t cry rather I couldn’t I was too shocked to react. I came out and told a friend “nahi hua I got a 38 in fin reporting and sfm aswell how?” I was sort of stoned. I went inside the class took my seat, the faculty was busy consoling another girl who did not make it. You know that feeling when you don’t even need water to drown yes that’s how I felt somewhere I was sinking I was drowning. But I needed water I bent down to open my bag and seems I did not really need my water bottle my eyes did the job.  Mam are you okay? You okay? Perhaps this was repeated some 3 times and finally I looked up and said yes but my tears also have a mind of their own they couldn’t control their flow. And the faculty asked so you also didn’t make it? I just nodded and said I am fine.He talked about some success failure theory that my ears or mind couldn’t receive. Somebody hugged me and whispered ” its okay its always not your fault I did it in my 7^th attempt I know how it feels” and then I don’t know what I said and what she said. I was in some other world. But then that was when I realised who she was. That was the moment when I actually realised I was in class.. I just excused myself and walked out of the class. I kept walking, talking over the phone to a friend and crying. I reached home. I just told dad I didn’t make it. He didn’t ask me anything else. Normally I am a God friendly person I talk to Him fight and shout at Him. For a change I didn’t ask or tell Him anything there were just few questions that haunted me “what went wrong? Is something wrong with me? Now what? How do I start all over again? Do I have it in me? Am I really dumb?What more can I do?” My confidence level had gone down by 60 percent. I sat, I cried and the questions haunted me even more. Now what? From where do I start again? I called up one of my bosses who has been kind of a guide through out these three years. I asked him now what? He said watch a movie today apply for the answer sheets and see what went wrong. And its okay you cant digest it now you will be fine you are strong. My head and eyes ached and I had to go back to class. I had my lunch and rushed to the class. I told myself “you have to hold yourself together no matter how much glue you need. Just hold.”  I had a very bad headache I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, I asked a friend to get medicine. The medicine seriously couldn’t defeat the pain that I was going through. The moment I entered the class  a guy who always joked around a lot came to me and nervously asked all good? I laughed and said dude you can be normal with me I am all good. I laughed I joked throughout the class I held back my tears and smiled. I scribbled on my note pad “ I am cluless I am losing it I don’t have any confidence where did I go wrong?am I really dumb?” my friend sitting next to me snatched it away and scribbled back “don’t lose hope, you are really good I know that. Ask anyone out here they will vouch for the same. You are hardworking just stick to it. Sometimes its not your fault.”  It meant a lot. J I kept telling myself hold yourself hold yourself. I laughed, I joked I behaved like “aalll iss well” but no nothing was really well but I had to be strong.  I couldn’t help getting the flashbacks of the last five years, all the uncles and aunties who kept taunting me for not getting through IIT and now that I am getting older and I am still nothing its high time my parents should start thinking of getting me married. Firstly I am not old secondly they should drink their own cup of tea. Then I took the first resolution of the year stay away from such people till I become a CA and I genuinely don’t care if they are a part of the family. Throughout the day few of my friends kept whatsapping me it might have sounded like” gyaan” but they  wanted to tell me “we wont let you give up now!! you are the best we know! “ ps: I had made them promise me long time back never ever to let me give up!! Maybe because I knew it wasn’t meant to be easy.  Within that span of 5 hours I saw a different me someone who was drowning and sinking from within, someone who was joking and laughing, someone who was congratulating and was happy for all those who made it, someone who was holding herself together. There was a whole bunch of things I was supposed to speak on our concluding feedback session. haa! I spoke maybe 3 lines that actually made no sense. The whole thing ended at around 8pm I got back home my hands were still trembling right from the time I checked my results. I wanted to check it again I was like maybe I saw it all wrong. I checked it again. Maybe there was some mistake in the database they might be showing somebody else’s marks. I cried during dinner I tried to be normal but it was like I did all I could I don’t know what went wrong.  I hit the bed with a hope let tomorrow come I will be fine. I will start afresh like my brother said. I closed my eyes I could not sleep and I checked the results for one more time. Perhaps I had checked somebody else’s. 

Being Inhuman..

It was just another lazy evening. I was walking back home. Its hardly a 10 minutes walk from class. There was some rock band playing really hard inside my head. I felt like my head would explode any moment, migraine attacks are sometimes dead painful. And then there were disturbed voices in my head shouting “what if and what if not? “  I could not shut them out. The cold air and the smokers on the pavement irritated me. Normally I enjoy walking. Maybe today wasn’t one of those normal days. I could see from a distance many people on the pavement. Normally the dogs and I own it at this time of the evening. I thought the golgappa wala must be the reason behind this little crowd of some 15-20 men. But then I could clearly see the reason. I saw a man lying on the pavement and there was a bike nearby. I thought it to be an accident. But nobody really went and tried helping the man instead they all stood at a fair distance from him and were just looking at his fallen body. The man was then at a distance of maybe 5 6 feet from me and that is when I realised maybe he was dead. There was no blood no injury. It wasn’t an accident for sure. But I could see white foam all over his mouth and face. And all those men preferred standing at a distance and just watching him. I realised they were not watching him anymore rather stalking me. So some 30 40  eyes followed me. I heard only one man asking to the person standing next to him “so are we supposed to call the police?” and the other person ignored him and ordered a golgappa plate. I walked as if I did not see anything neither those sick men nor the dead man. I was blank. The voices in my head had stopped arguing, everything was blank. I did not stop and I did not look back. It was sick and disgusting.  I walked for some 2 minutes and stopped realising what I had just done. People can be mere onlookers to such a thing. They could have taken him to the hospital or called the police. But they preferred enjoying  golgappa or stalking a girl. Nobody bothered. Even I did not.I accuse those 20 men of being inhuman but then what did I do?I could have been the one to call the police. The voices in my head started fighting again, the headache got worse and I ignored everything and rushed home as soon as possible.

I talked to a friend about the whole incident. She just asked me to ignore it and there is not much I could have done, I was blank. I belong to the category of people who eat chocolates keep the wrappers in their pockets or bags and dispose them off when they find a dustbin  and throw away the chewing gum after wrapping it up with a paper. I save money for my birthday every year and spend it on small kids at the orphanage. And sometimes I buy food for beggars.  I lived in a myth that I was being human, or rather a decent human being. But cmon a decent human being could have spent 5 minutes on calling up the police. I knew the fact that the jobless stalkers out there could only stalk stalk and stalk while I made the call. Yet I behaved like I didn’t notice anything. It was just another evening and I was playing hide and seek with the dogs on the pavement. I had matters to worry about  like “what if and what if not “, my migraine, the stalkers.  And maybe  I did not care about anything else in the world at that moment.  I don’t know if I was being selfish or inhuman. Maybe the people out there too had their own reasons.I learnt something being human isnt about being human to your own self but being human to humanity.

Hair - I have a mind of my own! ;)

I look at the mirror and sing “messy hair messy hair what are you screaming at?” (this song been inspired by Phoebe from “Friends” you know smelly cat smelly cat what are they feeding you?)and my hair sing back “sleepy gal sleepy gal that’s not your business.”

Me: Lets fix you up J you would look great!!

My Hair: you mean you would look great? You get the compliment not us!

Me: isnt it the same thing?

My Hair: Don’t you remember what that lady said? you have  a pretty face, great figure but you need to do something about your hair you wont look good if you are bald, use our range of professional products .. and you did not buy any of the products she was trying to sell simply because those might have made us look good..you could not stand that..

Me: I am not rich enough to buy their products. :/

My Hair: Well we are not good enough to obey you. :D  Ouch! Will you please stop using that funny brush and hard comb you kill so many of us on a daily basis!! You spent so much on this funny brush meant for curling hairs but you cant afford to buy those products? Huh?! And for your knowledge we are already wavy and curly you need not get that brush for us. Sometimes use your brain don’t go all fancy and wow to buy things.  So are you going out somewhere? Because you totally ignore us when you are home, which saves us from the brush and comb war. Oh no please not that ironing machine again…! We get that you are going somewhere.. cant we go the way we are? Today we don’t have the mood to get any hotter .. even somedays you feel like going out in pajamas too!!

Me: I am not in a pajama mood today! Let me get you some serum would protect you from burns.

My Hair: ouch!! Bitch!

1 hour later!!

Me: grrr!! Cant you remain straight for some more time?? I wasted so much of time and here you are back to your own ways..

My Hair: you never had the patience to spend much time on us ! we did warn you we were in a pajama mood!

Me: Atleast stop getting tangled with each other all the time.. you get killed in the untangling process and it hurts me more.

My Hair: we have a mind and life of our own!

Me : what a lovely weather!

My Hair: it’s a windy day!

Me: long drive, open hairs feel the wind

My Hair: Do you understand you are getting us raped by the wind? Ahan you seem to be really enjoying this.. fine you will hate it once you see this bush on your head..

Me : ouuch ! will you stop fighting back I am trying to untangle you, cant you be a bit soft?

My Hair: you just got us raped! Suffer the aftermath!

Me: I need a haircut!!

My Hair: ahan ! we look good we guess! ;) enjoy your day!

Me: oh yes I spent so much on this hairstyle .. ^_^

2 days later..

Me: why cant you look the way you did two days back? Nobody believes me that I got a new hairstyle! You are all the same now..

My Hair: Lady we have a mind of our own!

Me: you need a massage! Do not fall down in between!

My Hair : how many of us did you lose?

Me: L one day you will be all gone it seems :’(

My Hair: Blah!

Me: After every wash why do you need to scream around and party?? You realise how difficult it is to quieten you up? cant you be friends with the conditioner and the serum?

My Hair: Party all day! Party all night!

X y z : why don’t you straighten up your curls and waves?? Would look better and manageable..

Me : hmm

My Hair : hmmm so planning to get us operated? Are you?

Me: Nope!

My Hair: why?

Me: I love you for what you are.. I like you all messed up maybe! You remind me of myself.. uncontrollable and wild..  you have a mind of your own ? don’t you?

My Hair: awww! Touched ! in that case a piece of advice- keep that stress thing out of our breeding ground that kills us a lot!

Me : will try.. promise me we will be friends!! You have to listen to me..

My Hair : PARTY ALL DAY!! PARTY ALLL NIGHT!!

The last 365..

Ding dong!! Good morning it’s the last day of the year and I wake up with the same type of nightmare yet again.  This nightmare should not affect me anymore because I was supposed to get used to it by now. I mean I get the same type of nightmare every week since the last fifty weeks or more. But that feeling still sucks. And like always I messaged few friends about this and like always they consoled me with it was just a nightmare they don’t come true. Yea hopefully not!! But then somedays you are way too tired of them and seriously I did not really want it to screw me up even on this last day of the year. And no matter what I knew it would keep haunting me for the rest of the day.  I told mom that I had this nightmare that I flunked. She just laughed out loud. That was better than any other reaction that I had expected. I did not want to let the horrible feeling pull me down hence I started finding out ways to cheer myself up. Couldn’t get any! I spent the whole day watching “Friends.”  Then I realised I wasn’t really trying to cheer myself up but merely distracting my mind and killing the time. Somedays it sucks more than they usually do.  A friend suggested I should not shut down these emotions rather take them out. Then I thought of calling on this pyschoanalyst’s helpline number I have almost since a month and I never really felt like calling. I had sent them an email and they sent me back a number and said our councellors are well trained to take care of your case call them up anytime. I am never good at talking I prefer writing emails. I really did not know what I was going to speak to them that I am bored of every damn thing in my life. That an exam haunts me, people scare me, I hate people, the whole society thing irritates me, I have watched exactly 6 movies in the last two years (I can name them too!), and I can actually count the number of times I actually went out of my house in the last one year and that might just depress me more ( I did keep a count of that, how many hours you waste outside sorta thing it was!), and that I don’t even have a single person to go out for a cup of coffee aswell, that urge to just run away somewhere all alone,and about all the irritating people I have who we call relatives family friends who are dementors , NO I mean it!, their unwanted so called concern about every damn thing which is none of their business,  their free advises, their attempt to brain wash my parents most of the time they successfully do that,  I listen I listen I listen and I am tired of listening ! the voices in my head  somedays want to explode “will you please mind your own business.” But you just keep telling yourself this should not bother you but it does!  And in what way can the councellor on the other side help me? He or she doesn’t even know my name (you can be anonymous they don’t care !) maybe they would have asked me to keep calm, relax, exercise, yoga , keep yourself busy, right sleep, talk to someone close to you blah blah.. guess what I know it wont help. 

               I told my friend the only way I can vent all this out is by writing and new years eve isnt just the right time to write such a thing. Besides who would bother to read this? And maybe people will hate me more for this! But then that doesn’t matter much. :P I mean the people who matter already know  and they don’t hate me for this. The last 365 days were supposed to be really important for me but sometimes I feel I just blew it up the whole year. It meant a lot it really did. I went for classes  where there is someone on the tv teaching and unfortunately you are allowed only to listen to him not talk or ask your doubts or queries. And then you go around asking your fellow classmates to help you either they are equally cluless or maybe they havent understood  it well and can explain when they go through it again. By the time they understand it trust me there is a high possibilty you might have forgotten that you had that particular query and there is so much more to study you might just skip it. And then you realise you never have time to cover this vast syllabus so skip the part you don’t understand and keep focusing on the part you have already done. Many of us do that but not everyone has my type of luck the part I skip I might end up getting  30 marks questions from there itself.  The classes were never easy aswell. Early morning classes right from 6:30 to 10:30 at a stretch and most of the time few people like me left at 10 because we had an office to go. I mean you just look and listen to this person on the the flat screen. He cant see you, he doesn’t know what on earth are you doing. Somedays I fell asleep I cant help it I have never been an early morning person. And sometimes I used to eat in the evening classes  now once again I cant help it I cant concentrate when I am hungry. And I was treated like an alien by the rest of the class sometimes for this. You know I kind of disturbed them  when I opened my bag or when I went out of the class (to use the washroom!) sorry  sometimes theres emergency I drink a hell lot of water I cant control that either. I just go out once not like I keep on going. Jesus Christ how on earth did this disturb them? You know the kind of looks they would give like I just pierced a knife into their heart.  I remember visiting the Institute library where they hate it if you switch on the fan. Even that disturbs them!!Now that reminds me of all those people who told me few years back that science students are more hardworking nerds and all that stuff( add up as many goooood adjectives you can) and I wasn’t  good enough hence I switched to commerce. They were wrong like always.  And they even said I am studying some coresspondence course which doesn’t have  a future because I wont be an engineer. Anyways  ignore the ignorant souls.

Sometimes I did not sleep for days either I was studying or there was something inside my mind that never let me and then there were days I never wanted to get up I just wanted to sleep and sleep.  All I did was studied all these days and the worse part is I don’t know when I will be finally getting a degree.  I always knew that’s how it was supposed to be. But then I never knew that it would actually be this tough. I did have problems fitting in here. You know I cant fit in with people who think I waste my time reading novels and writing.Plus I read fiction literature books they don’t have any motivation stuff in them and the same applies to my writings. True but when I read them I am in a  better world having an intelligent conversation with sexy people. I should have studied instead of wasting time on all this. Yes so many people told that to me.  And I really cannot stand people who keep asking me CA? whats that? :-O yes such people exist!! An IITian asked me this CA creative arts right?so which college? You are still studying? Omg you flunked!!??how??cmon you cant score a 40?yes right even I thought the same when I got into CA, ask me the value of a 40 and 59 now J L  oh so you flunk in one paper and you appear all the four again??you are kidding lying!! That’s impossible.. Oh yes you know everything then why on earth do you ask? :\ And then there are such species -You are still working there? Dint I say this 2 months back that my internship is for 3 years and still people ask me every other month you still working there? So what will you do after  this?Work in a hotel? Dude if I have an experience in hotel audit doesn’t mean I will work in a hotel.. and yes they all thought maybe I did some waitress receptionist job out there..then what will you do make balance sheets? Haha why would a company hire you for making balance sheets? Theres so much more that Chartered Accountants do. Its sad you don’t know. But maybe for a change try increasing your knowledge rather than treating me like a waste.  And the best question from which college ? you tell them The Institute of Chartered Accountants of India and they are like huh?whats that?wheres that?? Oh there is a small building somewhere there yea yea ….! I am sure these people would buy it when you say you study at IIN(watch the idea add in case you dint get me) they would go oh wow!! And then there are people who can actually talk like she wont get a guy to marry she is still studying, CA isnt for girls.. forget it I cant type about these cruel people..I hate them yes I do! nobody wants their expert opinion. To make it worse what hurts the most is when you are struggling so hard for something people who you want to support you, understand your dreams are more concerned about things that don’t matter to you at all.. like getting a nice guy to marry .. Seriously I am not studying for a degree that would make me an eligible candidate for getting married to some tom dick harry! No that’s really not my concern I spend sleepless nights I keep pushing myself every day that I will do it.. and then you never really have anyone to understand you.. what makes it more tough is lack of motivation and encouragement from people around you. Because they are more concerned about I might die single genuinely I would not mind that if I am happy being single. And the whole conclusion is I should have studied somethingelse which would not have taken so much time. Someone kill me !! I don’t remember the last time when someone asked me what I seriously plan to do in life? Where I see myself few years from now?  Whats my idea of life? The only thing you keep hearing who got married who got into iit iim .. who did this that..all the good guys will be taken you don’t understand..your generation is such a disappointment to your parents and if you have a sibling who isnt around then you become a victim on his or her behalf aswell and hear all the blah blah. So before anyone calls me anti social remember its just that people are anti me. Had it been a one day affair that’s okay.. but same thing every time you meet them…  I already have problems of my own you don’t have to make it worse.

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are settled working  and I am still studying that feeling sucks.. but then I have the kind of friends who keep supporting me” it’s a matter of few more days don’t worry we will do this when you are  a CA.”  And perhaps the only people who always think that I deserve a break after my exams.. and yes one of them nudged me to post this up !! :P

Patience is what I need and sometimes I tend to lose it. Maybe of late my life was more of a depreciated mechanical instrument.  This was definitely not the way I started off, in the midst of this whole running race I somewhere lost myself.  And maybe sometimes I did not bother finding myself back or rather preferred getting lost because that seemed easier. But then one fine morning I get up and find myself again that’s the way I am J

Hear me out before you decide, I belong to myself before I belong to the world, I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s , my dreams might seem weird to you but they are my own , I live for them,  you might find it weird but trust me that is where my happiness lies. And if at all you care believe in me and let me fly.  For this is all I want from you , a younger me needs my help , I have promises to keep that I made to her, she deserves to live to explore to grow and not bound by timelines.