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At times in life we face such situations whose consequences we are not aware of.Still we are bound to take some decisions no matter where they lead us.Its not that easy to decide something on which your whole future depends.These situations leave you completely befuddled.You know you can decide something take a step which you want to,but then there is a question ‘are you that matured to take such a step?’ specially when the world around you is just compelling you to take just the opposite step.You discuss this with your friends(the ones whom you listen to,the ones who have the ability to help you get out of this) but its also of no use.At the end of the day you are again more confused and your friends can only say ‘never seen a more confused person than you.’ And if you happen to take your own decision like I did you really have to face a hell lot of hurdles.I had decided to pursue commerce after completion of my 12th boards. I was expected to go for engineering just like all my friends and every other person out here.I did appear for engineering entrances (being a science student I was forced to do so) without any preparation so I just could not get through damn good colleges as expected by everyone who knew me in school.Though I knew I wont get through any good colleges.Things like this also happened to me in my entrance exams I wrote the wrong roll number got my paper rejected,trust me I did not do that intentionally,it just happened. Neways I was still forced by my family and of course relatives(trust me at times I hate this word called relatives,they really mess up a lot)to study engineering.I could get through some good colleges but I was least interested in engineering.Somehow after lots of melodramas I was able to convince my parents to let me study commerce.But then in this place I mean where I live they have this misconception that commerce is opted by those who lag behind in studies, who never study,who can never build a descent prestigious career with a good pay package.CRAP!!!If you are a good student then you are expected to study medical or engineering.As if doctors and engineers rule this world..and rest every person who is not an engineer or doctor has no brains,is pea headed,not a good student and if he is studying commerce then he is for sure a spoilt brat.And commerce is just a piece of cake any tom dick harry can score a handful of marks in it.Its a complete pigshit!!I really felt like showing them DU cut offs(DU-my childhood dream:( ) but I could not because I could not get through DU.Well I did not even apply for DU the cut off being as high as 97%:( how do you expect I could??If commerce is this bad and has no future then why is DU cut off so high??Really these people out here need to grow up. Throughout school we are judged by the marks we score,you score good marks you are good you don’t you are bad.And then finally when it is time for college you are given just two options medical or engineering.This is the trend that people out here normally follow. As if there is no other field left,no scope in any other profession,and a large scarcity of engineers n doctors. So once you have completed 12th close your eyes and place yourself in any engineering or medical college(if you are lucky then in a college of your choice else wherever your parents say).We are not even given an option to think about our future what we actually want to do,what we actually want to study.Everything is just predetermined you are either born to be a doctor else an engineer. Why can’t the child himself be given this option of deciding his own future?? Then there are a few cases I have seen who ask others “hey I will be doing engineering please suggest me some branch which does not have maths or physics” Then why in the first place you want to study such a thing? “its just mom n dad told me to do I have never thought much about it.” This is what happens in maximum cases with people out here. Yea it happens only in this city or maybe this state. I remember those conversations at family gatherings or any damn place where you have to meet your relatives. Each one of them made me feel as if I am committing some big blunder. And then I happened to meet a few nerds of my college somewhere, I remember the look they gave me when I told them I am doing bcom and simultaneously pursuing CA. Bcom??:-O ohh okay..CA??what is that some computer application course???With a look of contempt they would ask me such questions. As if I had come over from Mars and telling them some alien bedtime story.And yea when I told someone that am appearing for CPT(CA’s foundation exams)this was the response “you are worried about your compartmental exams?Dont worry you can manage it.You are not that bad” (around 4 or 5 told me this,atleast they would have bothered to ask what is CPT rather than responding in this way):-O And then I must tell you about this reaction I got from a school friend when he came to know that I am studying commerce “Gal you spoilt your career you were such a good student,how could you take such a step?”
Despite all this I was stubborn about my decision. I believe there is ample scope in every field but it is possible only by the person who seeks them. You actually need a lot of courage and determination to go against the current. I chose a complete different life by taking up commerce.

The best conversation I ever had...

The number you have dialled is busy,please stay on line or try after sometime.This is what I heard evertime I tried to call.Maybe I had tried for about three hours at a stretch.Hats off to my patience!!And finally I lost my patience and gave up the idea of trying again.I knew I had to handle it all by myself..You must be wondering to whom I was trying to call up so damn desperately..Hmmm let me tell you ‘He’ is not a person like you or me.Infact I don’t know how He looks,wat he eats,nothing.But I am sure about one thing He never wastes time over orkut and facebook like you or me.Sorry I have been perhaps blabbering all hogwash stuffs now back to the topic.Anyways I thought of giving just a last try might get lucky!And finally I heard a sweet voice on the other side.

I: Hello..Is this H E A V E N??
The sweet voice:Yes
I: May I talk to God??Is He free now?
The sweet voice: No He is actually busy on another call,a girl from earth has called up.God is busy solving her problems.
I: huh..okay!
And the phone was disconnected.I could not help wondering what made God talk to her and not to me.I also belong to the same disgusting place having so many “varieties”of problems.Yet He did not talk to me.I did not know when I fell asleep with flooded eyes.
I found myself exploring untrodden paths full of hurdles.Everthing had become cold,the night air wet on my lips.At I distance I saw a light it was not a flashing one but a flickering one.Suddenly all that mattered to me was the light the hurdles did not matter anymore.I went nearer and nearer to it don’t know how and why.The nearer I went the more better I felt.I found myself standing infront of a narrow beam of light.You would not believe but the light spoke to me.Yes!!I heard a clear,soothing and grave voice.I had never heard a more clear voice before.He did not have to introduce himself because I knew who He was.He was the one whom I had been trying to call the whole evening.

I: Hello God
GOD: Hello my child
I: So finally I got to talk to you..why this late?I cried for the whole evening,banged my head but you were not there when I needed you.
GOD: what makes you feel that I was not there when you needed me?I can provide you with a boat or cannoe to cross a river but I cannot row it for you.You have to learn to paddle it all by yourself.That is the way it has to be.

I: If you were there then why was it so painful?why do I suffer?
GOD: What you call pain and suffering is a part and parcel of life.You have to learn to accept whatever happens.
I: Does that mean I should just let the grass grow under my feet?
GOD: Remember you are born to live,do not live because you are born!Dont go the way life takes you,take life the way you go.But you should have the guts to face the consequences and accept whatever happens.You are wholly responsible for whatever happens,and what you become.Learn to be a fighter not a loser.And first you be the change that you want to see in the world around you..

I: But why have I been sent to earth?Is there any purpose?If yes,then what is mine?
GOD: Yes,every person on earth has his own purpose.It is upto you to find out your own priorities and purpose in life.Ask yourself you will definitely get the answer.

I: Why is it that you did not receive my call today?You solved that other girl’s problem and why not mine?
GOD: My dear little girl.You are my favourite angel right??That is what you call yourself ‘God’s favourite angel’ isnt it?I knew that my strongest favourite angel can handle her problems,besides I am always watching over you.There are people around who were in greater need at that time,their problems were much more bigger.Your problems seem bigger to you only because they are your own.Remember life is all about learning to dance in the rain rather than waiting for the storm to pass by.

I: Am I really your favourite angel?I have a wish, will you fulfill it?
GOD: What is it my dear?
I: I want to become a real angel,the one with those white wings,white dress,lovely crown and the magical wand.
GOD: Why is it that you want to become such an angel?you are an angel now..
I: I want to be a free bird not a caged one.I want to fly.I want to have those wings.I want to have that magical wand so that when you are busy solving somebody’s problem I can help out some other girl like me whose call will be on waiting.
GOD: Hmmm I cannot grant you that wish now.But I promise to keep that for some other day maybe on the Judgement day if I feel that you actually deserve it.

I: But why is it that my problems seem to be a penelope’s web?
GOD: Life is not just about the rising sun but the setting sun as well.You cannot be unfair to life just by loving its brighter side and ignoring the darker ones.Everything happens for a reason.Someday you will also understand it.
I: when will that day come?
GOD: Few things you will gradually learn and understand in your lifetime and the rest you will understand in heaven.Heaven is the place to understand life on earth,why things happened to you.

I: But what about the things that we lose and sacrifice?Do we get them back in heaven?
GOD: sacrificing and losing are two different terms.Sacrifice is a part of life.It is supposed to be.It is not something to regret or try to get back.Sacrificing means just passing on something precious to someone else.And about losing something is life well for everything you have lost,you have gained something else,and for everything you gain you lose something else.Its about your outlook towards life,you can either rejoice or regret it.

I: Why is it that in the worst of my times I don’t have anyone to stand by me??I feel damn lonely at such times,nobody understands me.How will I plough a lonely furrow?
GOD: At times all a human being needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.The most difficult phase in life is not when nobody understands you but its when you don’t understand yourself.The world will never stop for your grief when your heart is broken.Life will always move on and you have to move on with it.Its better for you stop depending much on others.You are not the only person who has experienced such emotions and feelings.There is a phase in everybody’s life when they have to appear tests.Its all about how you face it,your attitude to wards your problems.Learn to rise even in your most difficult time,just like a phoenix from its ashes.You are wholly responsible for what you become.I am getting late now anything more you want to ask??

I: Thank you for this wonderful lesson.I don’t have anymore questions.
GOD: Remember one thing be a good human being...

The light vanished and I was back in my room.I just have to handle my own life and what about God??He handles so many lives!!truely His job is definitely more complex and tough.

The last page of my notebook

While undergoing a self introspection,many things flow across my mind.A few things I have become addicted to in these years which some find weird and some funny yet interesting.One such habits of mine (infact many must have had this)is scribbling down everything on the last pages of my notebook.

Whenever any thought comes to my mind,
I write it on the last page of my notebook.

Whenever I find the lectures boring,
I play games,whether its bingo or housie,
draw pictures,whether cartoons or designing my own fashion wardrobe,
plan my hangouts or any idiotic crap with friends,
Just everything on the last page of my notebook.

When I am hurt or heartbroken,
the last page of my notebook patiently absorbs my tears.

When I feel like falling for him,
I share my feelings with the last page of my notebook.

When I am angry with someone and want to flood my anger,
I use the last page of my notebook.

When I am really wrong and need to confess,
I confess to the last page of my notebook.

When I want to remember a few things told by my teacher,
I discuss it with the last page of my notebook.

When I solve any puzzles riddles or mathematical calculations,
the last page of my notebook helps me with it.

Whenever I plan to study,
the last page of my notebook reminds me my study schedule.

Whenever I wish upon the stars,
I share it with the last page of my notebook.

Between calculus questions,test dates,English quotes,
so many baffled calculations,so much of funny hogwash conversations,
the last page of my notebook reveals a few personal lessons taught by life,
a few dark secrets,a few funny incidents,a few sleepless nights,
a few childish pranks,a few dreams,a few nightmares and lots more….

Unknowingly and silently perhaps it has become my dearest buddy
Listens to me unquestioningly.
Absorbs my tears without grumbling.
Understands me silently.
Strongly believes in my dreams,
no matter how silly they may seem.
The last page of my notebook
accepts me the way I am....

Dreams....

You are the disarrayed fragments of the jigsaw puzzle
meant to be arranged and solved by me,
keeping in view of the image
which flashes by in my mind.

You make me believe,
where they doubt.
You make me work,
where they refuse.
You make me smile,
where they cry.
You make me stay,
where they quit.
You make me stand,
where they fall.
You help me survive,
where they break down.

You make me accept the failures of life
without disappointment.
You make me pay a deaf ear
to their hokums.

You are the mild rain drops
on the barren land of my life...
you are the strength to fight
every single strife of my life...

you are the hope
which wakes me up every morning.
you are the wings of freedom
which lets me touch the sky.

I run through cloaking mist,
path paved with thorns,
enduring the pain with a silent tear
yet a million dollar smile
flashing through miles..
thinking of the moment with you
I will cherish throughout...

You are the very reason of my existence,
you reside in my eyes,
you are safe in my heart,
you are the very purpose of my life
I am here just to chase you,
My dreams....

memories!

I am your past,
I am your present,
I am your future.
I am the permanent shadow,
who is always behind you.

I walk by you
through bright sunny days,
when you dance around singing merrily..
at the top of your voice.
Through cold blue nights,
when you wake up
completely shaken and shouting
at the top of your voice!


I stand by you
When you watch the lovely stars at night..
When you feel the evening breeze pass by you...


I make u cry
I make you regret
I make you smile
I make you laugh
I make you hate yourself
I make you love yourself

You lock me up,
throw away the key.
You cover me up,
hide me from everyone,
yet I do live in your heart.
You think am dead.
But am alive within you
and will always be.
Even after you leave this world,
I will not leave you.

Ten years from now......
One fine morning,
When you will be busy with your life
Long working hours,
No more classes and boring lectures
No more friends
No time for yourself
When you will look outside the window...
You will find me there...
You will get a smile,
With tears in your eyes....
You will turn back to your work
Again trying to ignore me....
But you will miss me like hell!

I will walk with you till the last day of your life.
I will stand by you even on the judgement day.

I am not your life
I am just a part of your life
I am what you have named me
MEMORIES!

I am what I am!

I am the dream,
they hate to chase.

I am the puzzle
they hate to solve.

I am the word,
they hate to understand.

I am the untrodden path,
they hate to explore.

I am the memory,
they hate to cherish.

I am the feeling,
they hate to feel.

I am the light,
they hate to see.

I am the sound,
they hate to hear.

I am the smile,
they hate to wear.

I am the story,
they hate to read.

I am the silence,
they hate to bear.

I am the hope,
they hate to aspire for.

Yet I want to be the inspiration,
that I would love to aspire for.

I am someone
they FAIL to understand.

Yet they HATE to
Use the word FAIL!

unending journey through darkness

I kept running through that long unending dark path, fled through thick fog ,through a haunted country without landmarks,thick with cold cloaking mist,peopled with clutching ghosts and shadows,standing again amid stillness,my heart was hammering,the night air wet on my lips, panic howling through my heart like a cold wind. All that mattered to me in the world was completely lost in this cold weird isolated environment,I did not stop I still kept running,flying blindly not knowing where,driven by a nameless dread,seeking in the grey mist for the safety that lay somewhere.All confused and scared I longed for a warm touch,a ray of hope.I ran like a crazy person but did not know where.Somewhere,somewhere in this wild land of moist stillness,there was a refuge!There was something hidden in the mist I badly needed that.Once I get there I will be safe.Nothing will haunt me.I will be free…my lungs almost bursting yet I kept running.Not caring a bit for my tired injured legs.Longing to have a warm and peaceful sleep. Will I get that something hidden in the mist? When will this dreadful unending journey through darkness be over?