MOM!

I still remember the first time I gifted mom something on mother’s day which she actually liked and has preserved till now. I was eight years old then and I came to know about mother’s day through telekids which used to be my favourite newspaper back then. The first gift which she still preserves must definitely be special. It was a poem dedicated to her. I had written it myself.  Today if I see that I am like “haha” I was a kid I used sparkles colours everything to make it look beautiful, but what my mom found beautiful was my piece of writing. Since then I have never written any poems dedicated to anyone other than myself :-P  With time the handmade cards n poems were replaced with archies cards and gifts. I am the kind of person who can spend her whole month’s salary on a single day just to buy someone special a birthday gift, even if that meant I have to survive with a loan later. But even that never impressed my mom. (Though I am not employed and don’t get a salary for the time being you can say it is my stipend or savings) With time the gifts became better and better but every time she would just say thank you and the same dialogue “ all I want from you is that type of poem that you wrote for me once .” For the last 14 years perhaps I have been listening to the same thing “why didn’t you write me something?” Even the best of bags and shoes didn’t make her happy. I can’t say she was not happy but definitely it was never the best gift she expects every year whether on her birthday or mother’s day. She does not like the stuff written on an archies card because she knows I did not write it. But how can I write a poem like that? I am no more an eight year old kid? But then she must be expecting me to write even better. With the present state of mind if I start thinking of writing a poem on mom it might start with something like

My phone A/C    Dr

         To mom’s bank account

(purchase of cell phone for me)

I am sure nobody on earth would want to read such a poem except for CA articles :-P  And to some extent I feel shy. I mean cmon she is my mom she knows I love her why do I need to show that off on a piece of paper. For an eight year old it is always easier to pen down her thoughts and express her love in words for someone she loves. But once you grow up don’t you feel shy? I really can’t write stuffs like roses are red sky is blue blah blah blah...and I love you... With time I might find a bit awkward to say I love you mom just like that but my mom does not. She would keep saying “you people won’t understand a mother’s love concern.”  My brother’s reaction “stop watching star plus soaps” and my reaction lol!! There was a time when a good night kiss was a must thing for me. I would kiss her good night and mom was forced to do the same. I don’t know when this trend stopped. Maybe the day I became nocturnal. And whenever I left home whether for school, college or anywhere a goodbye flying kiss was must. But I clearly remember when this thing stopped, since the day I joined office. Why? Maybe because I never really leave home I actually rush to my office. The only thing that my mind would be occupied with is hell is waiting! She is the person who gets up daily at 5am just to make sure I have my breakfast and I take something along to eat. I slog from 6am to 8pm these days which includes my 4 hours classes and it scares her more. Back home she would always say you don’t have to over work you can leave this..That is something I am never in a mood or condition to listen to.  Sometimes when I am asleep or am trying to get up from bed almost pissed off with everything she would hug and kiss me saying you work really hard. Thank God someone notices.

                 It is true I argue the most with her as I am as short tempered and impatient as she is. There might be times when I don’t apologize for the way I retorted back but that does not mean I don’t care or I am not sorry. I know I can never be like her. I still remember the week when she was out of station and I sort of had to manage the house, trust me it is a herculean task.  She might not always support me with my decisions but she never compelled me to do things her way or impose her opinions on me. She has always let me live my life the way I want to. Anyways this is all I came up with when I tried writing a poem for her birthday. I am not sure if it at all makes sense. But this is for the person who I can run to at any moment of my life, the person whom I love the most, and who loves me unconditionally no matter what, though she loves my brother more than me . She might again tell me the same thing “you should have written something for me.”  And I guess I am not showing this to her. I might not have been the perfect daughter she might be expecting out of me but I know I love her the way a perfect daughter does. 

 Happy Birthday to the person who gave me the best gift ever – My life!!

A farewell on the death of a favourite friend!

Call it addiction, love or mere stupidity, but yes I miss my cell phone. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I am missing something. I know there is something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is..then I remember. My dear friend is gone.

                                                        It was always the first thing I saw the moment I opened my eyes every morning. Of course it was my wake up alarm.It knew when I had to get up at 5 and when at 8. And it provided me with the easiest way to snooze and dismiss the alarm just by a soft touch. It was always the last thing I saw before sleeping, it even told me exactly for how many hours I was going to sleep (saved me from manual calculation which I do now L) It rested under my pillow. Inspite of wearing a watch I would still search for my phone when I needed to see the time. I miss all the lovely pictures that flashed every time a dear one called up or texted. We were so inseparable that anywhere I go these days I am greeted with the same query where is your phone? It is dead!!Now that sounds even more painful. These are the times when I miss it even more. Seems like it has even made a lasting impression on the people around me. Even my friends in office console me like I lost a very good friend of mine and that just makes me realize that I was actually so damn attached to it that anyone around me could notice the void it has created. Lunch hours at office gets terribly boring without it, I miss the beauty with brains group on whatsapp. The weird part is I don’t miss talking to anyone or staying in touch with anyone, I just miss it. I miss holding it, I miss touching it just like that, and even my pillow misses it. It was a dear friend, it never complained no matter how many times I dropped it. It had been a witness to all my mood swings. It was there when I was happy sad angry. Irrespective of everything no matter how carelessly I treated it, it was there right beside me. It was perhaps the best company I had when I was bored. I find it weird how can I possibly get so attached to a non living thing? It cannot be me! I have never been like this.. It was just a mobile phone, and not even my first cell phone. I don’t know why it is so special. I would not lie but yes for the first time I long to see my own picture i.e. the wallpaper of my phone. Now that it is gone with a negligible or nil chance of coming back I can’t even find a proper replacement. I must have searched for so many phones for the last two weeks but nothing can just replace it. That just makes me feel even worse. What the hell is wrong with me? What am I searching for? A perfect phone? And nothing seems to be perfect for me like the perfect one I had. Or maybe I just cannot get over it. I can get myself a better phone maybe, but the heart stays where it is attached to no matter what.

                             I still remember its last words “quietly brilliant” and all I wished to say was RIP – Return if possible! 

This is how it goes...

The phone rings again, you miss the call just the way you have been for the past few days or maybe months. 35 unread messages in one day and you don’t bother to check whose..You know you did not have a bad break up so definitely it is not your ex calling or texting you. Still you don’t bother looking at your cell phone even once maybe because you know 90% of the calls and texts are from customer care. And rest from people who add up to your miseries. They call you up just to confirm that you had a bad day. And worse if it is from a colleague of yours who must have called up to discuss his super rocking office life and your melodramatic tragic office life. That is the last thing you wish to discuss.  At times you wonder if you still go to a school. Well no you are at work..Its just that some people never grow up even if you were more matured than them back in school also. Comparing school and office is like comparing heaven and hell!sigh! The phone rings again finally you receive it hoping that the person on the other side might cheer you up make you feel better.But the conversation makes you feel even worse neither you are interested to know what she wore to a party or what he did when he got high and nor is the caller interested to know why you had a bad day. After all they have their own happening lives, who cares about your boring dull life?  And finally the caller just asks ‘you sound weird?’ And you just reply naah I am tired. “I am tired” its a great excuse that can be practically used anywhere. That is one your favourite dialogues these days. You are tired so you cannot study, you are tired so you cannot talk, and you are tired so you cannot attend the stupid party. The reality is you are actually tired of being tired. You drift apart from your friends just because they don’t understand you..your life...and your work(sorry job like they say)... You call them up tell them everything that you go through, the mental torture which breaks you down at times. But neither they are interested to know nor they understand. The only response you get is “arey it happens, don’t let such a thing spoil your mood.” As if you enjoy spoiling your own mood.. But then they were never meant to understand it..Neither they live your life nor they have to go through all this on a daily basis. It is you who at times lives a nightmare. Faking a smile becomes easier than explaining people who won’t ever understand. You don’t remember the last time you had a hair spa or a new hairdo. You don’t have time to go for a spa or maybe you have and you are just too tired to go. You don’t really bother how you look. You already have dark circles and swollen eyes thanks to your stressful life. Before you could get any younger you realize you are getting old. Every time you see any teenagers partying at a coffee shop or anywhere you just look and say ‘once upon a time....’ You are lost and you cannot find the way out. You start losing interest in the very thing that you wanted to do. You come across people you don’t get along well with but still you put up with them. You are irritated with everything. You are tired of the same thing every day. Every morning you get up with a sinking feeling. Your monotonous life has sucked every bit of excitement left in your life. There are days your prince charming turns into a frog and you start crying and then there are days you just look at the frog and laugh. Maybe that is how you survive. But you are meant to live not just survive. You don’t fit in anywhere. The restlessness kills you. You don’t know why it is always the same feeling that engulfs you the moment you hit your bed every night. At times it is the insomnia fairy that accompanies you and at times it is the wet pillows that force you to a disturbed sleep. The only thing that keeps buzzing in your mind all the time is WHY? Is it worth it? Why do you have to go through all this?Do you deserve it? You never have an answer. What if you die today? This moment itself? Well that would be great, you will be freed from the clutches of what we call life. But then what do you do after that? Ask Him for another chance to fulfill the millions of dreams and wishes you had, one chance to tell someone how much you care how much you love them, one chance to apologize to make up for things that your ego did not let you to when you wanted,a chance to fight the fear that always held you back, a chance to live the moment, a chance to smile again, a chance to munch your favourite chocolate, a chance to buy those beautiful pair of shoes you saw the other day while window shopping, a chance to laugh play go crazy again..But all you do is stand there regretting all the things you could have done and you could not. You regret the times you spent worrying about things that were never under your control, you regret wasting tears or getting affecting by people who were never important, you regret being impatient and rude to people only because you had a foul mood, you regret every time you fought with your mom..how badly you wish you could hug her now.. you wish to fly you wish to go wild like a wolf but you cannot there is still something that holds you back and you don’t have an answer to the question what holds you back...You know you don’t want your life to end with two words on your lips “I wish” and “I regret”. You have all the answers yet you are not aware of them. You know you have miles to go before you sleep.  Every morning you still get up and say shit my life is hell!!And you smile and tell yourself learn to live in hell, heaven will eventually follow. What do we call this? Hope?life?dream?or maybe just lack of options

Generation Gap

Every time I meet my granny (mom’s mom) she always has one thing to complain about for sure my clothes! Personally I find nothing wrong with my clothes, but then she has these small issues with my clothes why do I wear skinny jeans? How do I manage such tight jeans? Why do I wear short skirts and frocks? And I end up showing her the weirdest clothes (trust me they are not weird) I have and I enjoy the expression on her face. Then she shoots a question at mom “how do you allow her to wear such clothes and go out?” I still remember her expression when she saw the top I wore for my fresher’s seriously there was nothing wrong with it but she found it weird. Well is this what we call generation gap? Or is it just that we live in an era which is quite alien to her. In her times definitely girls were just into the traditional Indian wear saris. She is not used to seeing girls getting dressed up in the way they do now. I don’t take her comments seriously but I enjoy them and whenever I get a chance I love to flaunt and tease her. But I could have concluded that that she is conservative narrow minded and blah blah..but no she is just not used to it. My mom did not grow up wearing the type of clothes that I wear and then suddenly when my granny sees her granddaughter in skinny jeans and tees or maybe shorts she is not comfortable with this change. She finds it strange when mom allows me to wear short dresses and go to a friend’s party. The change that my granny could not accept my mom could. She gave me the freedom to wear the type of clothes I want but then subjected to many restrictions I must say. These restrictions were imposed on me just to protect me I know but I could not accept that easily. A Capri and a funky message t shirt is what I find to be cool and just the perfect thing for me!!A kurta and jeans is what my mom finds to be descent and just the perfect fit for me!! Whenever we go shopping most of the time we end up getting nothing for me and whenever we do buy it is after a strenuous search for almost 2 or 3 hours trying to find a combination of cool+descent outfit :O and finally when we lose patience one of us compromises.

Few days back I was having a chat with a friend regarding these new changes and the generation gap. It started when she said that her younger brothers are into dating right from standard 8th and are always into late night talks. The first thing I asked her was they are in standard 8th and already have a personal cell phone? I remember in are times both of us were given personal cell phones when we left school. We were 16 then. And now kids get cell phones in class 8th. She was completely against this idea of a standard 8th kid using a cell phone and indulging into late night talks. But then can we blame the kids??Is it their fault?ofcourse not!! We have been through the same stage the only difference is that the mistakes which we committed when we were 16 they are committing it when they are just 13. And at such a point of time you can’t even stop them. They will make mistakes and learn from them. That is the beauty of teenage. She told me that even standard 7 8 students go pubbing and have perhaps tasted every damn drink. At this point I was not sure whether I should be shocked or sad about the fact that I am 21 and have no real idea about pubbing. I have never been to a ‘real pub.’ Well it’s true that I and my friend were sitting at a pub only discussing all this but then it was in the afternoon there was no dj! forget the dj we did not even have music not a single person out there and we were just munching potato wedges and chit chatting. If this is what you call a real pub and pubbing then yes I have been to a pub. My friend was not able to accept all this. She was not against it but she kept saying one thing ‘there is an age for everything; this is just not the right time.’ This sentence just reminded me of my parents they used to say this to me every other day a few years back. I could not help smiling. I was not allowed to have a facebook account till I turned 16 but now even a 9 year old has a facebook account. At that point of time even I could never understand why my parents restricted me from all this but now I can clearly see the reason. All of a sudden she told me ‘Anks I am really scared!!Things that I did after I turned 18 my younger brothers are repeating the same when they are just 13! I wonder 20 years from now what will be my children doing? They will be having a personal cell phone right from standard 3, they will start dating from kindergarten itself. My daughter might end up wearing a bikini and walk casually to college?:O Shit!! What will I do? I mean off course I won’t let all this happen. I won’t be giving a cell phone to my kids till they are done with their high school. I won’t let my daughter wear any such crap but then things are changing so fast..Who knows what will happen...” I just stared at her with a blank expression. Pretty obvious whatever she was saying did not make any sense to me. I have never ever thought about my kids sorry I meant would be kids :P she just now told me the unpredictable future of her would be kids.

Back home I wondered if whatever she said was actually going to happen. But who cares what will happen 20 years from now. She said we would not let our kids use a cell phone till they are done with their high school. But will that be possible 20 years from now? What if all the moms in this world don’t think in similar ways? How will I be able to stop my 8 year old kid to have a cell phone when all his/her classmates have one? How would he or she feel at that time? What would they think of their parents? Will they be able to understand why we avoid or restrict them from doing things that might seem pretty cool to them but not to us? It would just end up like he or she becomes an arrogant little shit and I become a terrible old fashioned conservative mom. A friend once told me “I can’t understand why the elders always criticise our generation? What exactly is wrong with us? And before criticizing they should once think that they are actually criticizing their upbringing.” So does that mean the way we shape them that is exactly how they become? But practically is that possible? I don’t believe it. I remember I read this somewhere written by George Orwell “Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.” No matter how much we try to make them the person we want them to be, at the end they become themselves. Maybe they will benefit more from the lessons that they learn from their mistakes and blunders. We should just let them fly after being sure that they have learnt the proper way to use their wings. But how badly I wish our parents thought the same :P

Seriously at times I wonder why I am so different from everybody. Why is it that my thinking process my way of seeing things are so damn different from my parents? If I am trying to put myself in their shoes and understand their point of view why can’t they do the same? I am not saying they are wrong but rather than terming me as the one who is immature and stupid can’t they for a few minutes see life from my eyes? Maybe the term called generation gap can be bridged if we and the generation before and after us try to see and understand things by walking in each other’s shoes. A thing that might have seemed absurd in one generation might become wisdom in another. I don’t know if the changes that we are about to notice in the next generation are for the better or worse whatever they are we are supposed to accept it and move on.

It ends...

This was supposed to be posted on 23rd April, but the moment I logged in my cell phone beeped “sir calling”....The four minutes conversation was enough to make me realise that there was just a week to my exams but I did make it a point that this post is going to be a part of my blog as they say that this is supposed to be a big day in everybody’s life so I should definitely be sharing this..
Five years of college life ends today. As I walked out of the exam hall it was a weird feeling realising the fact that it was the last day I sat in this classroom. Walking through the corridors I experienced a blend of emotions...5years are over..Really??Off course when I had joined this college I was 16 now 21.I spent 5 years of my life in this college and never realised it. Just then I happened to come to the science block I could clearly get the flashbacks the wonderful slideshows of standard 11th I badly missed them .The sprity canteen, the world’s craziest bunch of people as friends, the one year of living life to the fullest. I did not realise that I had actually stopped walking I was standing there watching something invisible. And then these three years of I don’t know what is happening type of feeling...The moment I stepped out of the college building I could not help looking back at the commerce block. I could clearly remember the day I had shifted to this block, switched to commerce, the day I made a new friend who in these three years has become one of my best friends. Three years have passed and it seems like yesterday when I was struggling at home to let me opt for commerce. Three years have passed in just one wink of an eye. Unbelievable!!I could hear people rejoicing the last day of college. My eyes had become heavy. I turned back once again just smiled and told myself “this is life.”
Back home I just had a small conversation with my parents about the last day in college. Dad told me it’s a different feeling an important phase of your life ends, college life ends..but then you people won’t feel or understand this as you literally never had any college life, friends, activities or any attachment towards college. How true!!I never realised when this important phase of my life started and ended...I could not even get that proud happy feeling of being an unofficial graduate. I had fresher’s party farewell party everything but never had a college life in these three years. I kept thinking has anything changed within me??around me??My life??yes so much has changed or maybe everything has changed and I could not even realise when. Should I be feeling happy that my college life is over??Or should i be feeling sad??I don’t know ..I just know that it is over ..

RaNdOm CrAzY

To be frank I have nothing much to write now. Its 2.50am in the morning but I am not at all sleepy. True, I have spent many sleepless nights before but today it is totally different I am just on a path to self discovery and self realisation. I am writing it just to remind you that I am alive. It has been ages I have not been writing though I have been trying since months but never found anything worth posting here. The ones I found sharing here I could not maybe because I was too lazy to type :P and at times just lost what I wrote and where I wrote. My usual habit of scribbling down things on the last page of any notebook I get and later on forget where I wrote. And then finding it after ages and don’t feel like posting it. At times I felt is it good enough to tell everyone what I am feeling how things are in my life??That was another reason why I had stopped blogging but then I can’t deny the fact that I tried like hell to get something to share with you I had so many things in my mind( even Google would not get them) but failed to express when I tried to put them into words. I just became clueless. There was something I wrote which I badly wanted to post here it was dedicated to a few people in my life but my laziness did not let me do that. Apart from that its true i did not get much time to write before but since December I have literally been doing nothing but still could not write anything. Reason??Even I don’t know!!! So here I am writing something just to say I am alive ear phones plugged on listening to ganesh hegde’s jaa rahe ho agar after ages...anyways why on earth am I giving so many excuses for not writing??Was anybody really checking out my blog updates??Was anybody actually wondering what happened to me why I stopped writing??Are people really interested in my life well I have an answer to this question some people are always interested in other peoples life :D I have started loving those people it is good to know people are more jobless than me. gawd!!What am I really writing??Nothing actually I am not sleepy and i just wanted to write something so I am doing that. Soo many irrelevant things ok back to some relevant things in my life..Well my friends say I am having some vampire traits in me, true i have started seeing n feeling vampires around me, I behave like one, I am in love with a vampire as well called Edward Cullen. He makes me smile he makes me dream he makes me wish for a guy who would love me that way..Apart from that life has been good as well as bad..My mom says am not a perfect girl even i agree with her. I am a human being how can I be perfect? True I lack a true good qualities of a so called good girl woman or whatever I am careless I am crazy lazy weird and more over half vampire i can only use a microwave to cook food sorry not food but Maggie but Maggie is food only naa??I cannot keep my room clean my clothes are always messed up so is my study table but I swear I prefer staying away from all girlish things apart from shopping: D now that is a proof that yes there lies a real girl in every imperfect girl :P but I swear I am not drunk now don’t know what made me write all this..but before I get confused mad sad whatever..I need a good night sleep :D hope you had a crazy time reading this..:P and yeah am alive :D

:S

Time of joyful beginnings,snowfalls,daffodils seemed to have bid farewell to my life those days. There were just long sleepless nights, endless hours of crying, with only one friend by my side that is my teddy bear. I lived in the land of bye bye sun. Daily I woke up to find a new trouble in my life it did not matter whether I welcomed it or kicked it off it,it just crept in through the closed door of my room don’t know how and why. I would find myself sitting on my bed the whole night and just go on crying for hours. Months passed by and I found myself completely plunged into depression. And then I realized I was so damn changed, every time I looked at my reflection I found a complete different person staring at me. My throat choked with words unuttered, my mind and heart had become constant aching things. A constant feeling of gloom, loneliness had engulfed me. There were times I would just sit and hear the tick tock of the watch and wait for time to pass by, my mind would be completely blank then and suddenly I would realize that I would be crying since when I never used to have any idea. This continued for months or maybe years. Its not that I did not try to get out of this I really tried my best but it never happened. For months I had switched off my cell and thrown it somewhere just did not want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be left all alone. It was then that I wrote my first my poem. Just got a piece of paper and thought about myself and those were the words that came out.It was then that I realised how sad I was.Depression was a monster that had grown larger and my desire to live had become fainter.There were times all I could think about was finding ways to end up my life, I just wanted to hurt myself(physically).Hurting myself at times gave me a kind of pleasure.At times I thought I was suffering from split personality.How badly I needed help. How much confused I was. It seemed as if my life had come to an almost dead end. Whatever it was I just wanted to get out of it. I could no longer sit and cry in despair. I used to think does anyone feel as lonely and sad as I do? Somewhere inside me I was actually dying.. I was scared of myself. I would just sit quietly for hours imagining my death. I tried running away from myself. At times I could not feel anything, for a few seconds I could not make out what was happening to me, I just wanted to end my life. And then suddenly I would realize what I was actually thinking of doing then I would just go on crying “somebody help me.” I was not able to concentrate on anything. I thought I actually needed some psychiatrist(infact till now at times I feel it):P Then I started talking to myself,I thought just about one person and that was me. I asked myself what I actually wanted to do?what do I love?what made me happy?what kind of life did I want to live?where would I end up if I continue like this?It took hours but finally I got the answers. And then somehow I fought back, I started getting a control over my thoughts, my emotions and my life. I just wanted to be happy. I was dying to be happy. But I just did not feel like doing anything. All I used to do was sit and cry. Still I did try my best to get over all this. I won’t say I was 100% successful still I was 50% successful. And that 50% means a lot. But there have been many changes in me, previously I used to be a great chatterbox now I rarely open my mouth. Ask the people who used to be a victim to my nonstop chattering.Now I just don’t understand what to talk to whom to talk. But the best way to keep your depression away is just to keep yourself busy. I tried doing that it worked, and I still try to do that. But there is no point running after happiness. You can never find long lasting happiness; it seems it does not exist. All you can have is a moment of happiness, a moment of joy and fun, that is what makes life worth living. If you truly want to be happy trust me nobody can stop you once you have a control over your life.
I thought over 100 times before posting this depression story, to be frank I really did not want to post it. But then I have seen people who have gone through the same trauma like me. This one is entirely for them. Doctors and pills might be of help but trust me self help is the best. If I could why can’t the others??