A Day Like No Other Or Just Another Day!!

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes this morning was ofcourse my phone. But it said Bestie calling. The day started with talking over conference with bestie and kindergarten friend. I sat on the bed yawning, talking and finally listening to them. The phone got disconnected. I could hear mom shouting at me “atleast try waking up at 9”. So instead of calling them back I busied myself in arranging the bed and wondering why I am doing this, in a couple of hours it will be as messy as it is now. The books, the laptop, the kindle, the phone along with the charger and my spectacle all scattered on the bed. Most of the time I sleep off holding books (hoping for a knowledge transfer through osmosis) and I am too lazy to get up and put the laptop where it is supposed to be kept. So the best is to let them accompany me on bed. The phone rang again with both of them all freaked out “what the hell? When did you disconnect the call? You okay?” The conversation ended in a minute as one was about to sleep, another getting ready for work and I had to brush.

The maids had not turned up and mom was at her ultra hyper mood. I realized I brushed daily twice but I had forgotten how my toothpaste tastes like. Those were the days when you first tasted the toothpaste ate it up and then brushed. Sigh! Maid 1 arrived and I felt like she was running a marathon. She informed mom that she won’t be coming for two days because she has guests to entertain at home. And the argument started about leaves for no reason :P and lastly she said we should be happy that she atleast informed us, she isn’t informing the other houses where she works. Maid 2 entered just at that moment. She was three hours late. She had an interesting story to share. Apparently she had to work extra at somebody’s place this morning. The old lady became a grandmother this morning. She wanted the house to be neat and clean before her son and daughter in law arrive home with the baby girl. But what she said next was shocking. “Didi I asked her for sweets. She said it’s a daughter not a son! Why should I give sweets for a daughter? I am not happy.” I shouted “what??!!Seriously??!!” Maid 1 had dropped a plate and said “daughters are way better than sons.” I was like how could that woman be so sick?! Maid 2 told me “that’s how it is..My husband left me because I gave him 4 daughters..”

I gulped down cornflakes complaining that cerelac could have been better. Then I busied myself dating my books. I was focussing on return filing and assessment when I got lost somewhere with my eyes closed and head over the books I went off to hibernation. I visited dreamland. There were bunch of weird people a robot, a pikkachoo, a monkey and so many more.. I was trying to study and they didn’t let me. Lastly I turned into a bunny. No idea how I got a bunny rabbit attire! I was in a classroom with so many unknown people and characters and I was asked to jump wearing that pink white bunny rabbit attire and I did. And when I asked the teacher for marks for my bunny jumping whoever that masked person was simply left. L And I woke up and saw partner in crime’s message “I am depressed..Let’s run away from here...no studies no work no boys nothing..just alone..I can’t do anything..deleted instagram and whatsapp..everything is frustrating..” I replied “We need money for that..nothing comes free in this world..not even depression it costs a lot too.. like your happiness.. anyways study.. there is no other option..”

I got back to books. An hour later I was back in dreamland but this time I was flying and the aircraft flew downwards instead of upwards directly into a water body. I wished I had taken my swimming classes seriously. I kept telling myself don’t let this water enter your body just try and keep floating. I reached an island. Pretty beautiful it was! And I woke up shouting I hate my life. Few minutes later mom shouted lunch. Shit I had to take a shower!

I broke my nail. So I ended up wasting 20 minutes to cut and shape the rest of my nails :\ Since I had already wasted 20 minutes on my nails I thought of wasting few more minutes on my hair which I hadn’t combed since two days. I seriously forget to pamper them unless I am going out. I asked mom money for my haircut.

Mom: I gave you money on your birthday!
I protest back "that is called savings!!” I took money from her bag and simply informed her.
She shouted back “your top gets shorter with age!"
Me: Ofcourse it has to!!
Mom: wear a  long top..
 Me: don’t have any.. gimme money I need new clothes!!I need new shoes too!                                                                                                                                                                                

We need to wash your hair first.. And all of a sudden I remembered I have to study.. I replied “let it be I think I will come tomorrow or day after..” finally I got back home with two painful scratches made by a thread on my eyebrows. Nothing comes free of cost these days not even good eyebrows!! How difficult it is to be a woman! Sigh!

I switch off my phone and start romancing books. After few minutes mom came to my room with bournvita :D she asked me to accompany her to a neighbour’s birthday party.. some six year old kid.. My first reaction was “they have a kid?”

Mom: ofcourse they have..

Me: I have to study..Why did you even ask me?

Mom: Fine don’t go study.. if you have to study then don’t watch “Ramayan” utilize those 30 minutes too

Me: that reminds me what is the difference between daanav, maanav and asura?

Mom: Devlok with Devdutt Patnaik is better than my star plus soaps right??Then ask Mr Patnaik

Few minutes later dad asked me to get his medicines. I still don’t understand why these doctors didn’t practise handwriting in school. I asked dad to write it down on a paper because I didn’t have much hope from the chemist either. What if he fools me? Atleast I should be able to understand the names. The moment I got out of the house I saw books on the road. Yes books!! School books scattered on the road!! Who does that? My neighbours! And mom wanted me to visit their birthday party? People who throw books on roads are not worth anything. The only thing I perhaps like about my neighbours is their dog.  The guy at the medicine store gave me strepsils instead of change. I returned back the strepsils and he gave me vicks. I returned back the same and demanded money. He doesn’t have ten rupees change? Are you kidding me? Finally the poor guy had to take out the 10 rupees note and unwillingly handed it over to me.

I was back to my small little world of books when the kid from work pinged “What happened to your hot dps??I am tired of seeing your sarcastic dps :\

Me: I am no more hot! I speak sarcasm :P so bear with it!! How are preparations? All over? :P

He: Ghanta over! Yours?

Me: Ghanta not over :P

I did waste another 30 minutes watching Ramayan sorry modern Ramayan (Siya k Ram :P ) I wasted another 30 minutes eating dinner and stalking a hot guy on tv. And lastly I spent another 30 minutes writing this piece (not sure if I wasted) and you are wasting maybe 10 minutes of your day reading this.

Few minutes back I looked at the dark sky, felt the cold wind.. and got lost..Sometimes the universe inside me spills out a little; sometimes it’s heavy to carry but its okay...I believe this too shall pass..I tell myself just a few more days ...relax! I messaged partner in crime “Lets run away…I wana live in Ladakh in some monastery and become a monk..” Then I laughed and told myself my heart still beats and fights…even if the moment hurts I am not supposed to fall victim to its pain..I am just doing fine..meanwhile keep calm and love books… The adopted dog barked wagged its tail and licked my foot.. these four legged creatures are truly a therapy..

Enough of time wastage I need to get back wooing my love of life, my darling books! Have a good night unlike mine :\ 

Movie Date!!

The good thing about birthday is that it comes only once in a year and bad thing is again the same i.e. it shows up only once in a year. You realize you are one year closer to death, you are getting older. That’s Birthday realization. And none of us like being reminded of our age. Age is not just a number it is more than that, it is a three lettered word. It is that one day in the whole year when people on your facebook list realize you exist, unless you are very much active on facebook. It is that one day in the year you can term it as “your day!” That’s birthday pampering.

Anyways let’s get to the point now. This year I thought I would do something different on my birthday. I had not celebrated my birthday since two years because I was studying (I am still studying) and I didn’t have company to celebrate it with. So this year I thought enough is enough! I should pamper myself. Do whatever I wish to, even if it means doing alone. I do go out shopping, window shopping all alone. I totally enjoy it. I even go and sit at bookstores alone for hours sipping coffee or tea. It’s a complete blissful experience. I stalk people(not like a stalker), look around,  listen to people talking, read a book, or simply talk to the voices in my head. And it is fun.

Just before a week to my birthday I had this conversation with a friend.

Me: Meet me on my bday!!

Spikey: Why? What do you plan to do?

Me: No idea! Will think of something…will eat mud chocolate pastry

Spikey: That you can do any day…do something fun ..what were you doing now?

Me: studying

Spikey: oh you are still Hemione Granger!! Cmon Granger show me you are fun..I will come only if you plan something fun.. what do you wana do on your bday?

Me: Go to orphanage?

Spikey: I said fun!!

Me: suggest something..what do you wana do?

Spikey: I have fun all the time..You  tell me what do you wana do?

I thought and thought and thought and decided the next time someone asks me “show me you are fun” I will simply say “I am Hermione Granger.”

Me: Lets go gokarting..laser tagging,.,,what say?

Spikey: hmmmmmmmm sounds good..

Perhaps it didn’t impress him. Hence he didn’t even bother wishing me on my birthday. K

So finally I decided I would take myself out on a date, a movie date. Watch a movie all alone with strangers!

The first person who had a problem with my watching a movie alone was ofcourse my mom. “Movie alone? Ask someone to join you.”

But where do I find that someone?

Finally she agreed. My brother had one question “alone?mom allowed?”

Then I told a friend “hey I am going to watch Neerja tomorrow all alone.” His response “why where’s your bestie? “

Another friend asked “your brother allowed??” :O

My kindergarten friend 1 : Don’t worry dude! It’s totally okay to watch a movie alone. I watched spiderman all alone in Goa.

Kindergarten friend 2:  That sounds cool! You can eat alone too!

My cousin : why are doing this to yourself??Its your bday!! Why are you going alone?And Neerja??okay go ahead cry alone on your birthday!!

Another friend “movie alone? Well that’s good. See Neerja akeli itna kuch karli. You can watch a movie alone. That should be your inspiration.”

Bestie: Neerja on Bday?That's too alone! okay let me know how it goes..

Soul sister “sup dude? You at the movie? Alone? Why??why didn’t you take uncle aunty along with you? Okay I will wish you later then.bye .”

I didn’t feel like I was alone. Though there wasn’t anyone sitting next to me. A vacant seat is not that disturbing. What disturbed me was the bunch of giggling girls munching popcorn at the back. They loved to talk, laugh and eat. I am sure they can find better places to do that. They did everything except watching the movie. And the guy at my front was busy with temple run the whole time. I wonder why he even came. He didn’t look at the screen even once. He was engrossed in the game holding the phone so high that I could see it. I watched the movie and I wasn’t a bit bored. The 20 minutes intermission kills though. I did have the option to get a coke or coffee. Or maybe go to the washroom. If you are girl even if you don’t need to pee you still can go to the washroom in the intermission and wait in a queue for your turn to look into the mirror and brush your hair and touch up your make up. I wasn’t carrying a hair brush or a lipstick or even a lip gloss. But I was carrying a CA book in my little cute matching backpack. I had even forgotten to wear new clothes for my birthday.Why? Because I didn’t want to, simply didn’t feel like. I stayed back tolerating the nonsense commercials on the screen and smartphones are a saviour. Finally the long 20-25 minutes passed. People around had started crying. I started questioning myself why wasn’t I crying?Am I heartless? I could actually hear people crying. Finally I became a little bit teary eyed. And I told myself I am not heartless :P I enjoyed watching the movie alone. I can watch movies alone :D

I had to make few calls. People who I couldn’t talk to when I was at the movie.

The first call I made was like this “What? Movie alone?Why?which movie?Neerja? You are already a feminist. Of all things in the world why did you watch neerja today?How many people are lucky to have birthdays on Saturdays? There is so much more to do on a Saturday than watching a movie alone on your birthday. Please don’t do this again.Go and party!”

I wish he understood Saturday and Mondays are the same for people like me. :|

The next three reactions were the same “movie?alone? why??why didn’t you take aunty?”

Another reaction “well you always wanted to do things alone!!that’s a good start.”

Nothing can beat the last reaction of the day. “Dude seriously?you went to the movie alone? CA insaan ko kya se kya banadeta hai. You are an apt example..why didn’t you ask duckie to accompany you? She was studying? Yaar CA insaan ko kya banadeta hai!!”

Me:yehi jeevan hai!

He: I will be 24 next month! Kya zindegi hai!

Me: don’t remind me of age..I just turned a year older today.. saari jawani CA ko de daali..

He: Yeh jawani hai Sadwani! But haan CA insaan ko kya se kya banadeta hai!I see your updates on facebook AK is interested in Leh Ladakh trips..

Me: Yes I so badly want to go and live in a monastery there..maybe become a monk. You know CA insaan ko kya se kya bana deta hai :P

I went off to sleep asking myself one question would you like to watch a movie alone again? Answer was obvious “why not?” :P

If You Could Remember Me Now..

It was still dawn when I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the entry gate of the Delhi airport. The early morning February air was pleasantly cold.

I was travelling to Bengaluru to attend a college friend's wedding. It had been four years since we graduated from the same college. This wedding was also going to be a reunion of our batchmates. But what I didn't know was that the reunion would begin much ahead of time; right in the queue in front of the airline counter.

I was almost sure it was she. Same height! Same long hair! Same complexion! Curiosity had my eyes glued to her. And then about 60-odd seconds later, when she turned, she proved me right. My ex-girlfriend stood two places ahead of me in that queue. We had never met after the college farewell.

I stood like a fool looking at her unable to understand my own reaction. When we parted our ways four years back I had put a full stop on that chapter of my life and moved on. I never expected to see her again after all these years. I felt something funny inside my stomach. It was a strange feeling. We both stared at each other for a few seconds but none of us spoke. She turned and walked away swiftly. Her heels still made the irritating sound. I smiled remembering her irritating “tock tock.” I realised she was walking away like a stranger. Perhaps she didn’t notice me. Maybe if I had worked out a little bit or shaved my beard she would have recognised me.

I sat and sipped coffee while waiting to board the flight. I saw her again. She was sitting right there in front of me holding a big fat picture album and a book. I shouted “Hey Ayesha!!” She gave me a confused stare and behaved like she didn’t hear me. I wasn’t going to give up this easily. I went and sat near her and spoke in a clear voice “Ayesha it’s me Akash!!” She looked at me and said “sorry I don’t think I know you.” Before I could respond she had already left.

Throughout the flight I couldn’t help thinking about her. How could she simply walk away saying she doesn’t know me? I wasn’t sure what was worse, bumping into your ex girlfriend who doesn’t remember you or realizing the fact that her behaviour still affects you after all these years. It was my fault. We broke up because I realized I wasn’t really in love with her and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I knew she was very serious about me.  She was hurt but she never said a word, she didn’t demand any explanation. We broke up and never looked back, didn’t even bother to stay in touch. I just had a strange feeling that she was still somewhere around.

Ayesha looked at the clouds flying along with her. They looked like small packets of memories to her. She wished she could open the packets and find out what they stored. She opened the album hoping to uncover some packet of memories. She went through all the college photos for the tenth time since morning but this time her eyes got stuck on a particular face, a neatly shaved handsome guy standing next to her. She looked at his eyes and remembered the man at the airport calling out her name. She nudged her elder sister sitting next to her and pointed at the guy on the picture.

The Bengaluru climate totally made me forget about what had happened few hours back at Delhi Airport. Before I could feel the pleasant climate properly I heard someone whisper my name. I turned to find Ayesha standing right before me. I was confused. What’s wrong with women? Unpredictable! She spoke very slowly almost like whispering “I am sorry I couldn’t recognise you at the airport..I kind of have this problem..I…I..I am unable to remember people..” She struggled through the last line. Her eyes looked lost and helpless. “It's okay Ayesha! I don’t blame you I am no more that handsome hunk I used to be back then.” I laughed and joked. She didn’t say anything, simply smiled and walked away.

I was still in a state of confusion when someone tapped on my shoulder. It was Ridhima, Ayesha’s elder sister. It was always a pleasure to meet her. I hugged her. “What a pleasant surprise!! How are you?” I almost shouted.

“Akash it’s nice to see you after such a long time..Hope you are doing good..I wanted to apologise to you for Ayesha’s indifferent behaviour. I understand you might have felt bad. But then it’s not her fault. She genuinely doesn’t remember you, me, or even herself.” She spoke while her eyes were still glued to Ayesha. There was concern and fear in her eyes. “One year back she met with an accident, she was in coma for five months and when she woke up she wasn’t the same. There was a new Ayesha who didn’t even know herself. She lost her memory. Since the last three months I have been taking her to new doctors, places she liked, people she loved. But nothing has worked. And finally I got Rohit’s wedding invitation I thought some miracle might happen here. But she couldn’t even remember you…I guess there is no hope left..” She broke down.

“I promise Ridhima, she will be fine.. We will help her out together...I promise..” I don’t know how and from where these words came from. It wasn’t just my tongue but somewhere deep inside someone was making me say this.

Ridhima thanked me and said “she just knows you were good friends.”

Everything looked blurred and I realised I was crying. My eyes seemed blocked by tears. This cannot happen to her. She didn’t deserve this.

Normally an open bar meant heaven for me. But tonight I wasn’t drinking. As everyone raised their toasts on the sangeet night, I kept looking at Ayesha. She sat and smiled. Everyone had started dancing. Her lost eyes looked around; they fished through the crowd hoping they would soon find out the way. She clearly didn’t remember anyone, not even her girls’ gang. The whole gang was hugging sobbing and perhaps sympathising. The more I looked at her the more I remembered the past. She was the girl who set the dance floor on fire. The first time she was drunk she had puked all over me. I hated her for that. But today I badly wished she would do that again. A part of me wasn’t ready to accept the fact that she didn’t remember me. Though I had moved on and closed that chapter of my life, the chapter remained safe inside me.

Ridhima was on dance floor and Ayesha looked at her like a small kid lost in the midst of a crowd who knows her mother is somewhere around to protect her. Her eyes and facial expressions are still transparent. She hated me for seeing through her in and out. I could know what she wanted, how she felt just by the look on her face. She disliked the fact that I knew her so well. I pulled a chair and sat near her.

“Hey I am Akash.. You must be Ayesha? You look gorgeous.” I spoke in a flirtatious voice.

 She laughed and said “Hi Akash why aren’t you on the dance floor?” 

“Because the best dancer isn’t dancing today. She is simply sitting and looking gorgeous. She used to be my dance partner in college. I like dancing with her. So Miss Ayesha would you like to dance me? Please don’t say no!”

She held my hand and we were on the dance floor. We didn’t dance like the others. We just moved to and fro slowly in the crowd.

“Ridhima says we were very good friends in college..So tell me something..about me..about you.. about us..” she spoke softly.

I laughed and said “Indeed we were and we are.. you were a terrific dancer and you never talked to anyone while dancing…you just set the floor on fire.. Don’t you wish to dance that way again? Ayesha you once danced on the streets near college with thirty unknown random people.. What’s stopping you today? We are a bunch of unknown people and I am sure you do remember dancing because you danced from your heart not brain.”

She smiled and we danced. She didn’t set the floor on fire that night but she danced.

 There was music, dance, alcohol and fun. It wasn’t enough for me or her and I knew that. She looked a bit tired. I took her hands and moved out of the crowd. We sat outside near the pool. She looked at the stars. This was her favourite thing to do. Suddenly she would disappear in a world of her own among the clouds, stars and the moon. I simply watched her looking at the sky. I remembered the times when we were together and she would tell me stories that she made up on her mind while looking at the sky. The moving clouds sometimes became a tree, a horse, a monster or even a palace. I missed her stories, I missed her. I wished I had always stayed in her life, never left. 

Finally I spoke “the moon and the clouds are playing hide and seek and the stars are sparkling out of jealousy.”

She had tears in her eyes as she struggled to speak “how did you know? I haven’t even told you this yet?”

Even I didn’t know how I knew this. This wasn’t the first evening I was with her watching the sky. I just knew. I don’t know how.

“Well you were the one who taught me the art of devouring the sky.” I winked at her.

I pointed at the most brightest star “You want me to get that star for you? It is so bright.”

She took my hands in hers and said “You can’t reach the clouds, you can’t touch the stars. I will never ask you for anything impossible. Just give me what I need.”

Time flew and we both sat there the whole night. I read out to her pages from the chapter safe in my heart. Memories that I had saved, memories that she didn’t remember. But she listened to her own story, our story. I never told her about the relationship we had shared once. While visiting the past I realised she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. She was someone who believed in my craziest ideas, someone who understood me more than anyone else, someone who loved me, and I lost her. I had seen her at her best and her worst. She always reminded me of all the good things in life.

The next day she asked me to accompany her to shopping. How could I say no to her? She never even checked out any store or bought anything. We simply spent the whole day together moving around the city. Sometimes we simply sat silently struggling with our own thoughts. I didn’t want to leave her again. I wanted to make up for my mistake. And I didn’t know how. I hoped she never remembers the past. I was scared of losing her again. I lost her once and I didn’t bother, and four years later that seems to be the worst mistake of my life. I had never thought I would bump into her in such circumstances and fall in love with her. I was struggling with my own thoughts while I looked at her. She was beautiful,not like the women on movies or ramp shows. But her smile can conquer anybody’s heart. Her fluttering eyelids could make anyone smile. The way she gagged on food was a sight one would never want to miss. The more I looked at her the more I wanted to be with her.

I was lost in her thoughts and at the same time my eyes were glued to her. I don’t exactly know what happened next but like they say the things you cannot see coming your way are strong enough to kill you, everything went blank. I was on the ground. I was hit. How? When? I had no clue. I could smell blood along with Ayesha’s perfume.

My nostrils didn’t like the smell of the room. The smell always reminded me of all the worse things that had ever happened to me or could happen to me. But for the first time it didn’t remind me of anything. As I opened my eyes I realized I was in a hospital. Perhaps I was dreaming. I couldn’t remember how and why was I there. But the worst part was I couldn’t even remember who I was. The doctor spoke but nothing registered into my mind. I couldn’t listen. He addressed me as Akash. I couldn’t recall any Akash. Who was Akash? Who am I?

My lost eyes scanned through the room and I kept searching myself and then I felt like I found myself when my eyes rested on the girl standing near the door. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She walked towards me. She was crying. At the same time she smiled as she held my hand. She felt familiar. I wanted to ask her a million things but could speak nothing. Her mere presence holding my hand perhaps answered everything.

She held my hand tightly and kissed me on my cheeks and whispered “let’s make new memories together.” 

Ouch! It Is My Heart!

This time it wasn’t my hair clip or my nail, it was my heart that he broke. I never knew it would be this terrible. It’s been a week and he still hasn’t called me back. I called him up for the seventh time since morning. The frequency of my calls has decreased over the week. The day he said “it's over!” I don’t have a count on the number of times I had called him up. My calls were unanswered. And perhaps will never be answered again. But in a matter of few seconds he had turned me into a person I never thought I would become.  I never felt this helpless, this lost. Why couldn’t I stop crying? I was breathless. I hadn’t slept properly since a week. I pitied my grief stricken face. So this is what people call heart break..My heart, mind, brain, head and eyes were in a constant battle with each other. And now the running nose had joined them. I popped in pills to kill the headache. But unfortunately there are no medicines to kill the aching of a broken heart. It was hurting me. It felt like this was the end. There was nothing left. It has always been just him. My heart ached with an unbearable pain that I wished it would shout, cry out loud. But it was silent. And silent cries are the most difficult to bear. Or maybe it was crying out loud but the pain distracted me from hearing it. My calls, my messages nothing mattered to him anymore. Isn’t it strange? Just a week back his days didn’t start or end without a good morning and good night call, and now I didn’t exist for him.  I had begged him not to do this to me. I was literally on my knees pleading. But it didn’t matter to him. It is so weird when you give someone a piece of yourself, an important part of yourself and they just destroy it and leave. I felt cheated. I felt responsible for this pain, for letting him break me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I tried to call him again knowing that it would still remain unanswered. Finally I wrote him an email.

Dear Ex Boyfriend womaniser jerk baby

Sorry...I am not sure what I am supposed to call you...you never liked my calling you by your name. And today I don’t feel like calling you by the mushy names you preferred. You have changed me into a stranger. I loved you with every bit of my heart. I don’t know if it is true love or forever love...but I loved you and I still do. Else I wouldn’t have changed myself for you. I always hated long hairs but since the day you came into my life I haven’t cut my hairs just because you adored them. I am not even in touch with any of my male friends. Even today when I need someone I haven’t called them. How could I? You never liked them. I stopped talking to them to make you happy, while you shamelessly flirted around with your female fans. I still trusted you that you love me just the way I do. That was a mistake. We always expect people to love us the way we love them. That’s human nature. We always watched your favourite movie; we always ate at the place of your choice. I had to dress up in the way you wanted me to. I did everything that you wanted me to do. You were the person to whom I could bare out my soul and I did. But you never ever valued it. And now that all of a sudden we are strangers, shouldn’t I be happy? I can live the way I want to. I don’t have to worry about our fights. I don’t need to apologise to you 100 times a day for no reason at all. I need not be worried about your hot temper. But I am not happy. I am not sure if I need you or I want you, but whatever it is I am in pain. I don’t want to stay away from you. Maybe because I love you, I still do.. Unfortunately we don’t have a control over this fucked up emotion called love or the aftermath reaction of a heart break. Did I tell you that you have broken my heart? I know it sounds really silly. But trust me it has indeed broken. It is hurting me like never before. I wish break ups were not this bad, this complicated. I wish it was easier. I wish goodbyes were fun. I wish I didn’t have to cry or urge you this desperately to come back to me. I wish I could laugh at my folly for believing your lies. But I hate myself for believing you, for letting you hurt me, for letting you control my emotions. But unfortunately love isn’t just blind, it is deaf and dumb as well. Like they say it’s a no matter what! What can I do? I am simply a victim to this weird emotion called love. It doesn’t permit me to let go off you.. Maybe I am addicted to you… But I wish when you said “it's over” it was actually over..but it is not.. I am still in pain..I still want you back in my life...I am still ready to become the person you want me to become. I am still ready to let you screw up my mind; control my emotions and my life. I must be really stupid isn’t it? Yes I am. But so is this addiction or feeling called love...

Just then my phone rang. It was my friend. I received it.

Hey!

“Hmm thanks I guess I should pay him a visit then...”  I replied in a sad voice.

I saved the email in the drafts instead of sending it.

I rushed to dress up. I had put my favourite red dress. I painted my face well to hide the grief and thanks to the various eye painting products my red swollen eyes looked okay, not okay but actually good. I knew he would be there. This was my last chance.

As I walked to the pool side dining area I saw him wooing another girl. He was holding the same flowers from the same florist, and he was wearing the same shirt. The only difference was this time it wasn’t me, it was a new girl. Perhaps this was his lucky shirt and lucky flowers. This was my last chance. I had to do this before he kneels down and starts speaking the same lines that he had told me once upon a time. I literally ran to him. Good Lord I wish I had a camera I could shoot his face. I had never seen him this scared before. I smiled and said “so we broke up.” He started stammering “...lliissten listn..” I didn’t let him speak. I had to somehow tell him. I looked at the other girl and I knew it was a now or never. So finally I patted on his shoulder and told him “GOOD GAME!”

 He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. I turned and walked away, never looked back.  

Estranged Love

It all seemed like yesterday when she was in his arms and he was playing with her hairs. It’s been three years now, and every morning Rishaan still wakes up with the same dream. But there was none in his arms and it was her memories that played with his mind. Diya had left three years back with just a note “It’s time for me to leave. We are not meant to be together.”  He still wondered what went wrong between them. Diya simply vanished and no matter how much he tried he couldn’t contact or find her. Neither the social networking sites nor their mutual friends could help. Within a short span of time the memories of London and Diya got buried deep somewhere. He pretended to have forgotten everything but she had become an inseparable part of him.

Kiara sat on her princess bed looking at the solitaire diamond on her finger and beaming. She couldn’t help smiling remembering the moment when Rishaan went down on his knees and slipped it on her finger. The phone rang and dreamily she responded “I miss you. Just can’t wait for tomorrow!! I have a surprise for you.” Rishaan was holding Diya’s note in his hands and was distracted. His usual response was “hmmm” or an “okay”. Even that didn’t stop Kiara’s excitement and she would go on chirping like a bird. Rishaan never had the guts to speak about his past. Kiara was the woman he is supposed to marry. She was his mother’s choice and she was perfect. But sadly he knew she wouldn’t ever replace Diya. “Hello? Rishaaan??” she shouted. Rishaan was zapped back to reality “yea I was listening. I have some work, will talk later...see you at the airport tomorrow.”   

     

 Kiara ran like a zombie and hugged Rishaan at the airport and whispered “now it’s time for surprise.” She moved aside, turned and shouted “Diiyaaa!!” Rishaan’s eyes didn’t buzz a bit. There she was!! She didn’t have her usual long hair that he adored. Her hair was all messy and short with specks of red and purple. She was in a pair of faded jeans and a sweatshirt. She didn’t have any make up on her face. But she looked like a poem that he wanted to read over and over again. Diya stood like a statue.

“Rishaan meet my childhood buddy Diya. I just wanted you two to meet before our wedding. Hence I planned this trip with the two most important people of my life. Diya works with some strange people at a strange place in Africa. Her work never made any sense to me. She couldn’t attend our engagement. And I decided I would surprise the two of you.” Kiara went on speaking breathlessly. She finally nudged Rishaan “at least have the courtesy to say hello to her.” But before he could respond anything Diya said “shouldn’t we be checking in now?”

In the middle of the flight, Kiara woke up to go the washroom. When she returned, she was too lazy to push her way into the middle seat. And with Rishaan readily offering to shift seats, the seating arrangement changed. With 20 minutes still remaining for the flight to land, a sleep starved Kiara took another power nap, this time holding Rishaan's right hand more firmly. Rishaan's other hand, though, nervously moved to touch Diya's. Her heart skipped a beat. Diya pulled her hand away. But a defiant Rishaan held her wrist again, this time firmly and more reassuringly. The changing behavioral dynamics between the three perhaps gave out a foreboding of what was to come in Goa.

When the flight landed at the Dabolim Airport, Rishaan felt uncanny..his excitement seemed replaced by an unknown fear that he found very difficult to decipher.

The drive to the hotel was the longest and most silent they ever had. Kiara was still half asleep. Diya and Rishaan were lost in a world only they knew to have existed. Rishaan remembered the first time he had seen her at a friend’s party. Her long hair dancing with the music, that sparkle in her smile that made him fall for her just at the first sight, their first drive, their first kiss, how he had held her waist and how she had closed her eyes. He kept telling himself let it all go. He looked at Diya. Her colourful hairs looked even messier, her face didn’t express any emotions and her eyes were hidden by the huge black shades. He should let go off everything, he should let go off her. It was who she was not who she is now.

Diya complained of a headache and excused herself and decided to remain in her room for the whole day. She knew she couldn’t avoid them like this. Late in the evening she walked down to the beach to meet them. Rishaan and Kiara were walking on the beach holding each other’s hands and Kiara’s head rested on his shoulder. Diya decided not to intrude and found herself a place to sit and wait for them. She couldn’t help looking at them. She was sad. But she wasn’t sure what made her sad. There was one person who she loved and there was another who she thought she loved. But nevertheless both of them loved her. Wasn’t she supposed to be happy for them? She couldn’t stand the sight of the two kissing. She wasn’t sure what disturbed her more. Was it Rishaan? Or did she wish to be kissed that way? Or was it just Kiara? She couldn’t stand her being kissed. She remembered the first time they had made love at her London apartment. Rishaan had told her it was the best night of his life. And after he was asleep she had stayed awake the whole night smoking and wondering why she didn’t find anything pleasant or magical about the night. She could never experience the same excitement. She thought she did a mistake coming to Goa. She never thought it would be this difficult seeing Kiara with Rishaan. She gulped down her drink along with the words and thoughts that choked her. The evening just got worse when Kiara went to freshen up leaving Rishaan and Diya to bond with each other. Diya found it more than uncomfortable to be with Rishaan. She was guilty of having left him without any explanation three years back and now she meets him as her best friend’s fiancée.

Rishaan looked at Diya’s sad eyes and asked “Didn’t I deserve an explanation?” 

Diya sipped her drink and spoke in a soft voice “I am happy for both of you.” 

 Rishaan held her hand tightly and said “Really? Are you happy about the fact that I am getting married to your best friend and I am still in love with you? It’s time Kiara should know about us.”

 “Rishaan it was past. Kiara is perfect for you. Please don’t spoil it. I don’t owe you any explanation. I stopped feeling for you and so I left. You deserve better. Trust me you do.” She got up and left.

Rishaan banged his hand on the table and spilled his drink.

Kiara stood there unnoticed. Her surprise had turned into a shock. In a matter of few seconds her world had turned upside down. She wished she had never heard them. She wished she had never planned this trip. She wasn’t sure which was better, not knowing this or knowing the truth and feeling the emptiness and pain that had engulfed her in just few seconds. Everything was as beautiful as a fairy tale till that moment. In a fraction of seconds the two most important people of her life became strangers. She felt betrayed. She stood there crying unable to move. She hoped and wished it was just a bad dream and when she gets up things will be the way they were, perfect.

The night had turned lively. The beach was full of life and fun. The three of them were lost in their world of loneliness. Diya packed up her bags and decided to leave the very next day. This was the biggest mistake she had committed in the last three years coming back to meet none other than Kiara and her fiancée who turns out to be Rishaan. She had promised herself to be away from them and she failed to keep it. She was scared of Kiara knowing the truth. How will she react? Will she ever forgive Diya? Will Rishaan keep her happy? What if he doesn’t? Her mind kept shooting these questions and she didn’t have an answer to any. Life never seemed more complicated to her. She knew she could have avoided these complications and life could have been more kind to her if she had loved Rishaan the way he had loved her. She wished she hadn’t left him. She wished she wasn’t what she was all about. She hated herself. She should have told him everything. That could have helped him get over her.

Kiara sat near Rishaan listening to the waves. They didn’t utter any words and sat silently staring at the sky and listening to the waves for hours.

Finally Rishaan spoke “Kiara I am sorry, there is something you should know about my past which I haven’t ever mentioned before.”

“I know what it is Rishaan” she spoke softly holding his hand..

For the first time ever Rishaan wanted to bare his soul to Kiara. His past which he had carried all this while more like a pain that sucked his happiness away. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for breaking her heart but at the same time he didn’t want to hide his love for Diya. But his mouth couldn’t utter a single word it was just his eyes that spoke. He was afraid to look at Kiara.

Kiara’s voice choked as she spoke “When you came into my life I thought everything was perfect..life couldn’t have been better..But I was wrong. This whole trip was wrong. I was drunk on the idea that you were my prince charming and you make my life perfect. I was again wrong. Nobody can make our life perfect. We have to do it ourselves. If we marry each other it would be wrong. I don’t want to tell an older Kiara that my marriage was wrong. You might try and spend the rest of your life trying to fall in love with me and maybe you never will. You might end up spending the rest of your life being with me and loving someone else. You can never be happy that way, we both can never be happy that way. My idea of a perfect life will be ruined. I want to make my life perfect. I am sad but at the same time I am happy that we both know what we want right now. It isn’t that late. Perhaps this is the last time I am speaking to you. You know Rishaan, sometimes we end up not speaking to a person who meant the world to us. We want to be with that person but we know it isn’t possible. But that’s okay. Life teaches us to survive. I am sure I will cope up with this.”

She took out the diamond solitaire and placed it on Rishaan’s palm and said “if you love Diya so much don’t let her go. Maybe she is still waiting for you.”  

Rishaan was too shocked and guilty to respond. Kiara left.

The moon had bid goodbye and the sun was about to paint the sky orange and red. Rishaan still sat on the beach with empty beer cans for company. He was still holding Kiara’s ring. He was confused. He never loved Kiara but wasn’t he supposed to stop her? He wished he had apologised properly, he wished he had done something to ease her pain. She didn’t deserve this, neither did he. He pocketed the ring and remembered her last words “maybe she is still waiting for you.”  He rushed back to the hotel hoping she is actually waiting.

Diya was standing near her room, not sure whether to leave without a goodbye or to talk to Kiara one last time and wish her a happy life or maybe make Rishaan understand. She couldn’t make out which of these was more difficult.

“Planning to leave without an explanation and goodbye again?” She was caught off guard by Rishaan. Before she could say anything he held her hand and pulled her inside the room. Rishaan took out the ring and placed it on the table and said “she heard everything last night. She left.”

Diya’s eyes were flooded with tears. She turned her back to Rishaan and made sure he didn’t see her face. “Why didn’t you stop her Rishaan?”

“Because I still love you. I can only be happy with you. You are the one for me. I wish to be with you. I really love you” Rishaan spoke and moved towards her.

Diya could feel his breath heavy on her hairs. She knew it was time for him to know the truth. She felt weak at her knees. She sat down on the chair. She cried like never before and spoke her heart out for the first time.  “Rishaan I am not the one for you. I am not what and who you think I am. You can never be happy with me. When I met you I tried to love you, to cherish you. I wanted to be like any other normal girl.I tried..I really did… I am sorry for everything..But I couldn’t be a normal girl. I couldn’t love you the way you loved me, the way people normally do. You know why? Because I was already in love. I couldn’t love you the way you did because I am not capable of loving you, I am not capable of loving any man.” She broke down and cried profusely.

Rishaan asked “you said you were already in love?”

“Yes..I loved Kiara..” She said slowly. 

This was followed by an awkward silence that Diya couldn’t stand. She wiped away her tears and left.

Two days later Rishaan sat drunk on the beach. He knew he would be fine. He will survive. Eventually he will learn to live; the three of them will learn to live. He messaged Kiara “maybe she was waiting for you..I am sorry for everything..” Kiara's phone beeped. She deleted the message without reading and dumped her phone into the dustbin.

A Silent Goodbye

I silently bid adieu to him with a smile.

It’s not like his absence wouldn’t affect me, it would, like it did the last time. And time never healed me; I just grew a bit old and learnt to live with it. I have seen this before, heard this before, and felt this before. He was again on his knees holding my hand. He promised me he will be back very soon. He promised me he will never forget me. His eyes compelled me to believe him. I believed him. But I knew his brain will betray his promise. My heart convinced me that it wasn’t his fault. He meant what he said. He just never had a control on his brain. And since his brain controlled his actions how could I hold him responsible for it? I knew he will return some day. It may take him days, months or maybe years but he will return. He will remember me when he is bored of walking alone in the sunshine. He will need me when the ocean pricks his body. He will miss me someday. I didn’t cry anymore.  I never begged him to stay back.  He kissed me on the forehead and said “I promise.” But again he forgot the very reason why he was on his knees holding my hand. His brain had betrayed him again.  Just like the previous time the ring was safe in the box in his pocket.  I consoled my finger “wait till next time.”

He walked away. He never turned back. I looked at the footsteps he left on the narrow pathway and I wished I could change the direction. I lived on the hope that he will return. And I survived accepting the fact he will leave again. My heart had convinced me that forever was too long, I should be happy with his short term visits. I was learning to live accepting that I may have to live without him forever. But who thinks about forever? It’s way too long..  who cares about forever when there is always a next time? I lived for that next time when he would return back crying out my name and I would rush to meet him forgetting everything, the pain he had caused me, the void he had created in my life.

He didn’t return this time. But a letter did reach me. I went to meet him. There were people in black who talked about his bravery. I walked towards the huge box placed on the wet mud. I wished to cry but I couldn’t.  I wished my heart would stop aching. I couldn’t rush like I always did when he returned back. I knew he was right there but my legs didn’t carry me fast. They stopped mid way. They hesitated to move. I dragged myself to the box. He slept peacefully with his eyes closed. Today it was different. His eyes couldn’t even make me believe he will return. He didn’t promise me anything. He had left without a promise. He didn’t kiss me good bye. He wasn’t on his knees holding my hand. But the ring remained in the box with him, both packed together inside the box. And I realized he was always more loyal to the country than he was ever to me. But I knew he would have returned someday, but not in a box. My heart convinced me again that it was not his fault, this time it wasn't his brain but life had betrayed him and his promise. 

That Feeling Called Love...

She wore a loose green kurta and a white dupata draped almost half her body. Her hair was neatly tied up in a bun and she stepped inside the college campus nervously. Her finger nails kept pinning down her bag straps. She got more nervous seeing her classmates. Not a single girl she could find was without make up. Her cosmetics kit consisted of a vaseline petroleum jelly, a comb, a cold cream and ponds powder. The girls flaunted their curves in tights, their coloured lips were shining, and their open hairs were swinging. She wondered how they could manage to walk swiftly with those thin pencils underneath their shoes. Nahid knew she was ordinary, she wasn’t like them and she could never be like them. But her Abbu always told her she was his star, his Nahid. She did not feel like a star here. A guy brushed past her, she literally started trembling. She had never ever talked to any guy other than her Abbu. Being born in a middle class orthodox Muslim family Nahid was instilled heavily with cultural values that even prohibited her from talking to unknown men. She was not even allowed to look directly at the face of the seventy year old grocer near her house. She would ask for groceries looking at her own feet as if she was committing a crime. A girls’ school had saved her from the crime of looking at men or talking to them. Nahid badly wished her family had at least prepared her before sending her to a coeducational college. The welcome session wasn’t really warm. By the end of the day everyone had someone to say “see you tomorrow.” She felt like she had an invisibility cloak on her. Nobody even smiled at her. Nevertheless she was happy she made it to her favourite English honours and the next three years would not be that bad. As she walked out of the campus the Lucknow streets welcomed her with the aroma of “tunday kababs.” She forgot everything and raced back home to urge Ammi Jaan to make some kababs. She wished she could just hangout with people of her age at food outlets and gulp down the kababs and let the faluda kulfi melt in her mouth. But she knew she couldn’t.

As a Psychology intern when Soham entered the college campus he wasn’t aware of the fact that it was the first day of college for many just like him. He joined it as part of an exchange program. The whole campus was crowded. His vision fished through the moving bodies and rested on a particular face. It did not have a single sign of make up on it yet it was the most beautiful face he had ever seen. She moved through the crowd with anxious steps and her eyes were fixed on the path before her. She looked like a dream in green and white. He wished he did not have to rush to meet the Psychology head, he simply wanted to look at the innocent face and study it more deeply.

Nothing spectacular happened on the second day. Nahid felt like she did not exist. Except for a few “whatever” looks nothing changed. She was branded with a “behenji” tag. The guy who sat near her nudged her in between a lecture asking for a pen. The touch of a guy made her so nervous she was literally on the verge of falling off the bench. The guy noticed it and could not help laughing. The next few days were hell for her. Boys would knowingly brush past her, nudge her. Except for a few girls nobody ever talked to her. The few girls who talked were simply after her class notes. Every evening Nahid would come back home teary eyed. She would lock herself in the washroom and cry under the shower. The seniors also did not spare her. The ragging sessions humiliated her even more. Sometimes she wanted to leave and never come back again. She had lost the zeal to study, to do anything.

Soham couldn’t get his mind off the girl he saw on his first day. When lady luck smiled he would only catch a glimpse of her but she would disappear before he could reach her. In the last few months he could only find out her name. But he could easily read the emptiness in her eyes. His “Happy to Help” Project always kept him busy and he could not approach her no matter how much he wanted to.

“Need a friend? Tired of surviving? Want to start living? We are ‘Happy to Help.’ We don’t provide counsellors but friends.” Nahid felt she didn’t need a counsellor but the advertisement said they provide friends. She wrote her first email to “Happy to Help.”  Her mail contained 1500 words about her life, her broken soul, her helplessness and lastly a hope. She did not know where these words emerged from, but all she knew was sadness had engulfed her and she didn’t know how to make it go away. It was terrifying to let someone know the darkest secrets of her soul, nevertheless she took the chance.  Soham read the mail twice. He wanted to hug her and say “I am there for you.”

Dear Nahid,                                                                                                                                                  Thank you for trusting us. But before helping you I want you to help me. Think about these questions and answer me back. Who are the people who mask their faces? Why do you need to paint your face to look like them? Maybe you don’t need any of those stuffs because you are already so beautiful. Your eyes seem like an endless universe (your mail makes me guess so!). Do you need to lose yourself in order to become like them? Are you that bad? Don’t let anybody take your smile away. Have you given yourself the chance to live? To make friends? Have you tried to fit in? At some point you have to stop being so sad. Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t let anyone do it to you. Think and reply back. I am happy to help 24*7 J  P.S: Men are not monsters.

He sent the mail, closed his eyes and saw her face.

Nahid walked confidently into the class, smiled and sat with the first guy she saw. It takes time for a fortress wall to fall but someday she knew it will. And this was just the beginning.

That night she answered him back on the “Happy to Help” emergency number instead of mailing. “Dear Happy to Help Friend you are right to some extent I am responsible for whatever happened to me. Thank you for helping me let go off my fear that always held me back. Today I tried to make friends. Nahid

Soham wanted to jump and shout “she messaged!!she messaged!!” He became her daily diary. And his sole object in life became making her happy. Gradually she changed. She was a completely different person with a new mindset and a new outlook. She learnt to live, laugh and most importantly to love. She was in love with herself like never before. He taught her to love herself and that was the beauty of his love. She walked with a confidence and enjoyed Shakespeare plays with zeal like never before. She felt truly like her Abbu’s star. She had her favourite street food with her new friends without any guilt but with happiness that she had never ever experienced before. It was all because of her “happy to help” friend. She couldn’t think of beginning or ending a day without messaging him.  She even asked him to help her find a dance partner for college dance. And this was Soham’s chance to take the next step. The next day a guy in red shirt walked towards Nahid and said “Hi I am Soham, I am a 2^nd year psychology student. I was wondering if you would like to come to the college dance with me. I will be here tomorrow waiting for you.” Nahid couldn’t respond she tried to speak but neither could she say yes or no. She simply nodded and messaged her dear friend if she should go ahead with him. And of course Mr happy to help would be more than happy if she went out with the red shirt guy.

This was probably the best day of Soham’s life. He wanted her to look into his eyes and tell him the three words he was dying to hear. But Nahid never looked into his eyes her mind was with her “Happy to help” friend. She longed to be held in his arms and dance to the music. She wanted him to be there with her always and forever. She realised she had fallen head over heels for him. Soham wanted to tell her everything but before he could say anything Nahid excused herself saying she was tired and vanished somewhere.

Nahid didn’t message her friend that night. He had asked about her dance and her dance partner. She didn’t reply. Soham wasn’t sure if Nahid liked her dance partner. But her message made it clear.

“Hey!!I am really scared..I think I am in love..And it’s been a while..I feel the happiest when I talk to him...I can’t stop thinking about him...I don’t know what to do? Should I tell him?”

He knew he shouldn’t feel so let down if she found someone else. He didn’t own her and perhaps never will. He had no right to feel jealous, angry or even sad. She was happy and that mattered. He decided he would never let her know about his feelings. But he would never stop loving her. It was time for him to let go off her, to walk away from her. Perhaps this was also a part of loving someone. She deserved to be happy and perhaps her happiness lies with this newly found love of hers.  His phone beeped. It was Nahid’s message. He ignored it.

She willed herself to not check her phone to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. She hated that she was constantly checking his 'last seen at' status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet she couldn't stop herself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous.

And then, just as she sat down in her chair, her phone vibrated. With her heart thudding in her ear, she unlocked her phone and stared at the screen. Finally! It was his message.

But when she opened it and read it, she nearly stopped breathing. She didn't know if he was joking or not. What was this?

Dearest Nahid,                                                                                                                                            Some of the world’s most amazing people are scarred with hardships and imperfections and when they recover, they are stronger like never before. I am glad to have known such an amazing person. You are truly a star. It’s time for me to say goodbye. You don’t need a counsellor anymore. Trust me you can shine all alone without any help. Never let pain destroy you. Good luck! I am more than happy to have helped you. J

This cannot be happening. How could he simply say goodbye? She wanted to shout and scream.  “You were never supposed to mean this much to me, I was never supposed to fall this hard for you. But it happened. I can’t let go off you. I love you.“ She typed the message but could not send it. “Maybe I was just another girl he was helping out, after all he was just a counsellor” she thought. She erased the message but deep within she knew he was engraved in her soul. She pushed back her tears and promised she won’t let pain destroy her ever.

Every morning she got up hoping for a miracle and checked her phone. She wrote everything that happened in her life in her diary in form of letters to her “Happy to Help” friend. It’s been five years but she still started and ended her days thinking about him. She ran an online counselling service “Spread Happiness” in his memory and happily helped people. One fine morning she received an email that changed everything.

“She is that part of my life which will never be anything short of a dream. I might never get the chance to be together with Nahid but I am always happy that whatever memories I have of her will always be pure and untouched. Learning to be okay without her is weird. I swear I am fine for weeks but one morning I get up and my heart feels heavy. I feel like I lost her all over again. I miss her. I miss waking up and checking my phone for her message. I still mumble her name in my sleep. The thought of her being with someone else sometimes suffocates me. It hurts...hurts bad...I could never tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her. It’s been five years now and I still remember the first time I saw her. Her green kurta, her white dupata and how she walked nervously holding her bag…..

Nahid read the mail rather read her own story. Her hands were trembling and tears flowed down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure whether they were tears of happiness or sadness. The happiness of finally finding him or the sadness that had engulfed them both. He had always admired her the way nobody else did but sometimes she was too broken to realise it, sometimes she was too afraid to acknowledge it and sometimes she was too happy to notice it. Yet he was there always even when she longed to be held by him and dance with him, he was there. And five years later he is still there for her. Maybe what they say is true if it is meant to be it will find a way. Love finds its way through an email.