Ouch! It Is My Heart!

This time it wasn’t my hair clip or my nail, it was my heart that he broke. I never knew it would be this terrible. It’s been a week and he still hasn’t called me back. I called him up for the seventh time since morning. The frequency of my calls has decreased over the week. The day he said “it's over!” I don’t have a count on the number of times I had called him up. My calls were unanswered. And perhaps will never be answered again. But in a matter of few seconds he had turned me into a person I never thought I would become.  I never felt this helpless, this lost. Why couldn’t I stop crying? I was breathless. I hadn’t slept properly since a week. I pitied my grief stricken face. So this is what people call heart break..My heart, mind, brain, head and eyes were in a constant battle with each other. And now the running nose had joined them. I popped in pills to kill the headache. But unfortunately there are no medicines to kill the aching of a broken heart. It was hurting me. It felt like this was the end. There was nothing left. It has always been just him. My heart ached with an unbearable pain that I wished it would shout, cry out loud. But it was silent. And silent cries are the most difficult to bear. Or maybe it was crying out loud but the pain distracted me from hearing it. My calls, my messages nothing mattered to him anymore. Isn’t it strange? Just a week back his days didn’t start or end without a good morning and good night call, and now I didn’t exist for him.  I had begged him not to do this to me. I was literally on my knees pleading. But it didn’t matter to him. It is so weird when you give someone a piece of yourself, an important part of yourself and they just destroy it and leave. I felt cheated. I felt responsible for this pain, for letting him break me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I tried to call him again knowing that it would still remain unanswered. Finally I wrote him an email.

Dear Ex Boyfriend womaniser jerk baby

Sorry...I am not sure what I am supposed to call you...you never liked my calling you by your name. And today I don’t feel like calling you by the mushy names you preferred. You have changed me into a stranger. I loved you with every bit of my heart. I don’t know if it is true love or forever love...but I loved you and I still do. Else I wouldn’t have changed myself for you. I always hated long hairs but since the day you came into my life I haven’t cut my hairs just because you adored them. I am not even in touch with any of my male friends. Even today when I need someone I haven’t called them. How could I? You never liked them. I stopped talking to them to make you happy, while you shamelessly flirted around with your female fans. I still trusted you that you love me just the way I do. That was a mistake. We always expect people to love us the way we love them. That’s human nature. We always watched your favourite movie; we always ate at the place of your choice. I had to dress up in the way you wanted me to. I did everything that you wanted me to do. You were the person to whom I could bare out my soul and I did. But you never ever valued it. And now that all of a sudden we are strangers, shouldn’t I be happy? I can live the way I want to. I don’t have to worry about our fights. I don’t need to apologise to you 100 times a day for no reason at all. I need not be worried about your hot temper. But I am not happy. I am not sure if I need you or I want you, but whatever it is I am in pain. I don’t want to stay away from you. Maybe because I love you, I still do.. Unfortunately we don’t have a control over this fucked up emotion called love or the aftermath reaction of a heart break. Did I tell you that you have broken my heart? I know it sounds really silly. But trust me it has indeed broken. It is hurting me like never before. I wish break ups were not this bad, this complicated. I wish it was easier. I wish goodbyes were fun. I wish I didn’t have to cry or urge you this desperately to come back to me. I wish I could laugh at my folly for believing your lies. But I hate myself for believing you, for letting you hurt me, for letting you control my emotions. But unfortunately love isn’t just blind, it is deaf and dumb as well. Like they say it’s a no matter what! What can I do? I am simply a victim to this weird emotion called love. It doesn’t permit me to let go off you.. Maybe I am addicted to you… But I wish when you said “it's over” it was actually over..but it is not.. I am still in pain..I still want you back in my life...I am still ready to become the person you want me to become. I am still ready to let you screw up my mind; control my emotions and my life. I must be really stupid isn’t it? Yes I am. But so is this addiction or feeling called love...

Just then my phone rang. It was my friend. I received it.

Hey!

“Hmm thanks I guess I should pay him a visit then...”  I replied in a sad voice.

I saved the email in the drafts instead of sending it.

I rushed to dress up. I had put my favourite red dress. I painted my face well to hide the grief and thanks to the various eye painting products my red swollen eyes looked okay, not okay but actually good. I knew he would be there. This was my last chance.

As I walked to the pool side dining area I saw him wooing another girl. He was holding the same flowers from the same florist, and he was wearing the same shirt. The only difference was this time it wasn’t me, it was a new girl. Perhaps this was his lucky shirt and lucky flowers. This was my last chance. I had to do this before he kneels down and starts speaking the same lines that he had told me once upon a time. I literally ran to him. Good Lord I wish I had a camera I could shoot his face. I had never seen him this scared before. I smiled and said “so we broke up.” He started stammering “...lliissten listn..” I didn’t let him speak. I had to somehow tell him. I looked at the other girl and I knew it was a now or never. So finally I patted on his shoulder and told him “GOOD GAME!”

 He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. I turned and walked away, never looked back.  

Estranged Love

It all seemed like yesterday when she was in his arms and he was playing with her hairs. It’s been three years now, and every morning Rishaan still wakes up with the same dream. But there was none in his arms and it was her memories that played with his mind. Diya had left three years back with just a note “It’s time for me to leave. We are not meant to be together.”  He still wondered what went wrong between them. Diya simply vanished and no matter how much he tried he couldn’t contact or find her. Neither the social networking sites nor their mutual friends could help. Within a short span of time the memories of London and Diya got buried deep somewhere. He pretended to have forgotten everything but she had become an inseparable part of him.

Kiara sat on her princess bed looking at the solitaire diamond on her finger and beaming. She couldn’t help smiling remembering the moment when Rishaan went down on his knees and slipped it on her finger. The phone rang and dreamily she responded “I miss you. Just can’t wait for tomorrow!! I have a surprise for you.” Rishaan was holding Diya’s note in his hands and was distracted. His usual response was “hmmm” or an “okay”. Even that didn’t stop Kiara’s excitement and she would go on chirping like a bird. Rishaan never had the guts to speak about his past. Kiara was the woman he is supposed to marry. She was his mother’s choice and she was perfect. But sadly he knew she wouldn’t ever replace Diya. “Hello? Rishaaan??” she shouted. Rishaan was zapped back to reality “yea I was listening. I have some work, will talk later...see you at the airport tomorrow.”   

     

 Kiara ran like a zombie and hugged Rishaan at the airport and whispered “now it’s time for surprise.” She moved aside, turned and shouted “Diiyaaa!!” Rishaan’s eyes didn’t buzz a bit. There she was!! She didn’t have her usual long hair that he adored. Her hair was all messy and short with specks of red and purple. She was in a pair of faded jeans and a sweatshirt. She didn’t have any make up on her face. But she looked like a poem that he wanted to read over and over again. Diya stood like a statue.

“Rishaan meet my childhood buddy Diya. I just wanted you two to meet before our wedding. Hence I planned this trip with the two most important people of my life. Diya works with some strange people at a strange place in Africa. Her work never made any sense to me. She couldn’t attend our engagement. And I decided I would surprise the two of you.” Kiara went on speaking breathlessly. She finally nudged Rishaan “at least have the courtesy to say hello to her.” But before he could respond anything Diya said “shouldn’t we be checking in now?”

In the middle of the flight, Kiara woke up to go the washroom. When she returned, she was too lazy to push her way into the middle seat. And with Rishaan readily offering to shift seats, the seating arrangement changed. With 20 minutes still remaining for the flight to land, a sleep starved Kiara took another power nap, this time holding Rishaan's right hand more firmly. Rishaan's other hand, though, nervously moved to touch Diya's. Her heart skipped a beat. Diya pulled her hand away. But a defiant Rishaan held her wrist again, this time firmly and more reassuringly. The changing behavioral dynamics between the three perhaps gave out a foreboding of what was to come in Goa.

When the flight landed at the Dabolim Airport, Rishaan felt uncanny..his excitement seemed replaced by an unknown fear that he found very difficult to decipher.

The drive to the hotel was the longest and most silent they ever had. Kiara was still half asleep. Diya and Rishaan were lost in a world only they knew to have existed. Rishaan remembered the first time he had seen her at a friend’s party. Her long hair dancing with the music, that sparkle in her smile that made him fall for her just at the first sight, their first drive, their first kiss, how he had held her waist and how she had closed her eyes. He kept telling himself let it all go. He looked at Diya. Her colourful hairs looked even messier, her face didn’t express any emotions and her eyes were hidden by the huge black shades. He should let go off everything, he should let go off her. It was who she was not who she is now.

Diya complained of a headache and excused herself and decided to remain in her room for the whole day. She knew she couldn’t avoid them like this. Late in the evening she walked down to the beach to meet them. Rishaan and Kiara were walking on the beach holding each other’s hands and Kiara’s head rested on his shoulder. Diya decided not to intrude and found herself a place to sit and wait for them. She couldn’t help looking at them. She was sad. But she wasn’t sure what made her sad. There was one person who she loved and there was another who she thought she loved. But nevertheless both of them loved her. Wasn’t she supposed to be happy for them? She couldn’t stand the sight of the two kissing. She wasn’t sure what disturbed her more. Was it Rishaan? Or did she wish to be kissed that way? Or was it just Kiara? She couldn’t stand her being kissed. She remembered the first time they had made love at her London apartment. Rishaan had told her it was the best night of his life. And after he was asleep she had stayed awake the whole night smoking and wondering why she didn’t find anything pleasant or magical about the night. She could never experience the same excitement. She thought she did a mistake coming to Goa. She never thought it would be this difficult seeing Kiara with Rishaan. She gulped down her drink along with the words and thoughts that choked her. The evening just got worse when Kiara went to freshen up leaving Rishaan and Diya to bond with each other. Diya found it more than uncomfortable to be with Rishaan. She was guilty of having left him without any explanation three years back and now she meets him as her best friend’s fiancée.

Rishaan looked at Diya’s sad eyes and asked “Didn’t I deserve an explanation?” 

Diya sipped her drink and spoke in a soft voice “I am happy for both of you.” 

 Rishaan held her hand tightly and said “Really? Are you happy about the fact that I am getting married to your best friend and I am still in love with you? It’s time Kiara should know about us.”

 “Rishaan it was past. Kiara is perfect for you. Please don’t spoil it. I don’t owe you any explanation. I stopped feeling for you and so I left. You deserve better. Trust me you do.” She got up and left.

Rishaan banged his hand on the table and spilled his drink.

Kiara stood there unnoticed. Her surprise had turned into a shock. In a matter of few seconds her world had turned upside down. She wished she had never heard them. She wished she had never planned this trip. She wasn’t sure which was better, not knowing this or knowing the truth and feeling the emptiness and pain that had engulfed her in just few seconds. Everything was as beautiful as a fairy tale till that moment. In a fraction of seconds the two most important people of her life became strangers. She felt betrayed. She stood there crying unable to move. She hoped and wished it was just a bad dream and when she gets up things will be the way they were, perfect.

The night had turned lively. The beach was full of life and fun. The three of them were lost in their world of loneliness. Diya packed up her bags and decided to leave the very next day. This was the biggest mistake she had committed in the last three years coming back to meet none other than Kiara and her fiancée who turns out to be Rishaan. She had promised herself to be away from them and she failed to keep it. She was scared of Kiara knowing the truth. How will she react? Will she ever forgive Diya? Will Rishaan keep her happy? What if he doesn’t? Her mind kept shooting these questions and she didn’t have an answer to any. Life never seemed more complicated to her. She knew she could have avoided these complications and life could have been more kind to her if she had loved Rishaan the way he had loved her. She wished she hadn’t left him. She wished she wasn’t what she was all about. She hated herself. She should have told him everything. That could have helped him get over her.

Kiara sat near Rishaan listening to the waves. They didn’t utter any words and sat silently staring at the sky and listening to the waves for hours.

Finally Rishaan spoke “Kiara I am sorry, there is something you should know about my past which I haven’t ever mentioned before.”

“I know what it is Rishaan” she spoke softly holding his hand..

For the first time ever Rishaan wanted to bare his soul to Kiara. His past which he had carried all this while more like a pain that sucked his happiness away. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for breaking her heart but at the same time he didn’t want to hide his love for Diya. But his mouth couldn’t utter a single word it was just his eyes that spoke. He was afraid to look at Kiara.

Kiara’s voice choked as she spoke “When you came into my life I thought everything was perfect..life couldn’t have been better..But I was wrong. This whole trip was wrong. I was drunk on the idea that you were my prince charming and you make my life perfect. I was again wrong. Nobody can make our life perfect. We have to do it ourselves. If we marry each other it would be wrong. I don’t want to tell an older Kiara that my marriage was wrong. You might try and spend the rest of your life trying to fall in love with me and maybe you never will. You might end up spending the rest of your life being with me and loving someone else. You can never be happy that way, we both can never be happy that way. My idea of a perfect life will be ruined. I want to make my life perfect. I am sad but at the same time I am happy that we both know what we want right now. It isn’t that late. Perhaps this is the last time I am speaking to you. You know Rishaan, sometimes we end up not speaking to a person who meant the world to us. We want to be with that person but we know it isn’t possible. But that’s okay. Life teaches us to survive. I am sure I will cope up with this.”

She took out the diamond solitaire and placed it on Rishaan’s palm and said “if you love Diya so much don’t let her go. Maybe she is still waiting for you.”  

Rishaan was too shocked and guilty to respond. Kiara left.

The moon had bid goodbye and the sun was about to paint the sky orange and red. Rishaan still sat on the beach with empty beer cans for company. He was still holding Kiara’s ring. He was confused. He never loved Kiara but wasn’t he supposed to stop her? He wished he had apologised properly, he wished he had done something to ease her pain. She didn’t deserve this, neither did he. He pocketed the ring and remembered her last words “maybe she is still waiting for you.”  He rushed back to the hotel hoping she is actually waiting.

Diya was standing near her room, not sure whether to leave without a goodbye or to talk to Kiara one last time and wish her a happy life or maybe make Rishaan understand. She couldn’t make out which of these was more difficult.

“Planning to leave without an explanation and goodbye again?” She was caught off guard by Rishaan. Before she could say anything he held her hand and pulled her inside the room. Rishaan took out the ring and placed it on the table and said “she heard everything last night. She left.”

Diya’s eyes were flooded with tears. She turned her back to Rishaan and made sure he didn’t see her face. “Why didn’t you stop her Rishaan?”

“Because I still love you. I can only be happy with you. You are the one for me. I wish to be with you. I really love you” Rishaan spoke and moved towards her.

Diya could feel his breath heavy on her hairs. She knew it was time for him to know the truth. She felt weak at her knees. She sat down on the chair. She cried like never before and spoke her heart out for the first time.  “Rishaan I am not the one for you. I am not what and who you think I am. You can never be happy with me. When I met you I tried to love you, to cherish you. I wanted to be like any other normal girl.I tried..I really did… I am sorry for everything..But I couldn’t be a normal girl. I couldn’t love you the way you loved me, the way people normally do. You know why? Because I was already in love. I couldn’t love you the way you did because I am not capable of loving you, I am not capable of loving any man.” She broke down and cried profusely.

Rishaan asked “you said you were already in love?”

“Yes..I loved Kiara..” She said slowly. 

This was followed by an awkward silence that Diya couldn’t stand. She wiped away her tears and left.

Two days later Rishaan sat drunk on the beach. He knew he would be fine. He will survive. Eventually he will learn to live; the three of them will learn to live. He messaged Kiara “maybe she was waiting for you..I am sorry for everything..” Kiara's phone beeped. She deleted the message without reading and dumped her phone into the dustbin.

A Silent Goodbye

I silently bid adieu to him with a smile.

It’s not like his absence wouldn’t affect me, it would, like it did the last time. And time never healed me; I just grew a bit old and learnt to live with it. I have seen this before, heard this before, and felt this before. He was again on his knees holding my hand. He promised me he will be back very soon. He promised me he will never forget me. His eyes compelled me to believe him. I believed him. But I knew his brain will betray his promise. My heart convinced me that it wasn’t his fault. He meant what he said. He just never had a control on his brain. And since his brain controlled his actions how could I hold him responsible for it? I knew he will return some day. It may take him days, months or maybe years but he will return. He will remember me when he is bored of walking alone in the sunshine. He will need me when the ocean pricks his body. He will miss me someday. I didn’t cry anymore.  I never begged him to stay back.  He kissed me on the forehead and said “I promise.” But again he forgot the very reason why he was on his knees holding my hand. His brain had betrayed him again.  Just like the previous time the ring was safe in the box in his pocket.  I consoled my finger “wait till next time.”

He walked away. He never turned back. I looked at the footsteps he left on the narrow pathway and I wished I could change the direction. I lived on the hope that he will return. And I survived accepting the fact he will leave again. My heart had convinced me that forever was too long, I should be happy with his short term visits. I was learning to live accepting that I may have to live without him forever. But who thinks about forever? It’s way too long..  who cares about forever when there is always a next time? I lived for that next time when he would return back crying out my name and I would rush to meet him forgetting everything, the pain he had caused me, the void he had created in my life.

He didn’t return this time. But a letter did reach me. I went to meet him. There were people in black who talked about his bravery. I walked towards the huge box placed on the wet mud. I wished to cry but I couldn’t.  I wished my heart would stop aching. I couldn’t rush like I always did when he returned back. I knew he was right there but my legs didn’t carry me fast. They stopped mid way. They hesitated to move. I dragged myself to the box. He slept peacefully with his eyes closed. Today it was different. His eyes couldn’t even make me believe he will return. He didn’t promise me anything. He had left without a promise. He didn’t kiss me good bye. He wasn’t on his knees holding my hand. But the ring remained in the box with him, both packed together inside the box. And I realized he was always more loyal to the country than he was ever to me. But I knew he would have returned someday, but not in a box. My heart convinced me again that it was not his fault, this time it wasn't his brain but life had betrayed him and his promise.