YOU DON’T NEED WATER TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING..

Washroom isnt the place to check your results but I wanted to check it alone. I went numb. No its definitely not my marks perhaps it’s a 68 not a 38 if I zoom it will be a 68. No it wasn't I saw 38s and just saw the word FAIL! It cant be my marks. I didn’t cry rather I couldn’t I was too shocked to react. I came out and told a friend “nahi hua I got a 38 in fin reporting and sfm aswell how?” I was sort of stoned. I went inside the class took my seat, the faculty was busy consoling another girl who did not make it. You know that feeling when you don’t even need water to drown yes that’s how I felt somewhere I was sinking I was drowning. But I needed water I bent down to open my bag and seems I did not really need my water bottle my eyes did the job.  Mam are you okay? You okay? Perhaps this was repeated some 3 times and finally I looked up and said yes but my tears also have a mind of their own they couldn’t control their flow. And the faculty asked so you also didn’t make it? I just nodded and said I am fine.He talked about some success failure theory that my ears or mind couldn’t receive. Somebody hugged me and whispered ” its okay its always not your fault I did it in my 7^th attempt I know how it feels” and then I don’t know what I said and what she said. I was in some other world. But then that was when I realised who she was. That was the moment when I actually realised I was in class.. I just excused myself and walked out of the class. I kept walking, talking over the phone to a friend and crying. I reached home. I just told dad I didn’t make it. He didn’t ask me anything else. Normally I am a God friendly person I talk to Him fight and shout at Him. For a change I didn’t ask or tell Him anything there were just few questions that haunted me “what went wrong? Is something wrong with me? Now what? How do I start all over again? Do I have it in me? Am I really dumb?What more can I do?” My confidence level had gone down by 60 percent. I sat, I cried and the questions haunted me even more. Now what? From where do I start again? I called up one of my bosses who has been kind of a guide through out these three years. I asked him now what? He said watch a movie today apply for the answer sheets and see what went wrong. And its okay you cant digest it now you will be fine you are strong. My head and eyes ached and I had to go back to class. I had my lunch and rushed to the class. I told myself “you have to hold yourself together no matter how much glue you need. Just hold.”  I had a very bad headache I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, I asked a friend to get medicine. The medicine seriously couldn’t defeat the pain that I was going through. The moment I entered the class  a guy who always joked around a lot came to me and nervously asked all good? I laughed and said dude you can be normal with me I am all good. I laughed I joked throughout the class I held back my tears and smiled. I scribbled on my note pad “ I am cluless I am losing it I don’t have any confidence where did I go wrong?am I really dumb?” my friend sitting next to me snatched it away and scribbled back “don’t lose hope, you are really good I know that. Ask anyone out here they will vouch for the same. You are hardworking just stick to it. Sometimes its not your fault.”  It meant a lot. J I kept telling myself hold yourself hold yourself. I laughed, I joked I behaved like “aalll iss well” but no nothing was really well but I had to be strong.  I couldn’t help getting the flashbacks of the last five years, all the uncles and aunties who kept taunting me for not getting through IIT and now that I am getting older and I am still nothing its high time my parents should start thinking of getting me married. Firstly I am not old secondly they should drink their own cup of tea. Then I took the first resolution of the year stay away from such people till I become a CA and I genuinely don’t care if they are a part of the family. Throughout the day few of my friends kept whatsapping me it might have sounded like” gyaan” but they  wanted to tell me “we wont let you give up now!! you are the best we know! “ ps: I had made them promise me long time back never ever to let me give up!! Maybe because I knew it wasn’t meant to be easy.  Within that span of 5 hours I saw a different me someone who was drowning and sinking from within, someone who was joking and laughing, someone who was congratulating and was happy for all those who made it, someone who was holding herself together. There was a whole bunch of things I was supposed to speak on our concluding feedback session. haa! I spoke maybe 3 lines that actually made no sense. The whole thing ended at around 8pm I got back home my hands were still trembling right from the time I checked my results. I wanted to check it again I was like maybe I saw it all wrong. I checked it again. Maybe there was some mistake in the database they might be showing somebody else’s marks. I cried during dinner I tried to be normal but it was like I did all I could I don’t know what went wrong.  I hit the bed with a hope let tomorrow come I will be fine. I will start afresh like my brother said. I closed my eyes I could not sleep and I checked the results for one more time. Perhaps I had checked somebody else’s. 

Being Inhuman..

It was just another lazy evening. I was walking back home. Its hardly a 10 minutes walk from class. There was some rock band playing really hard inside my head. I felt like my head would explode any moment, migraine attacks are sometimes dead painful. And then there were disturbed voices in my head shouting “what if and what if not? “  I could not shut them out. The cold air and the smokers on the pavement irritated me. Normally I enjoy walking. Maybe today wasn’t one of those normal days. I could see from a distance many people on the pavement. Normally the dogs and I own it at this time of the evening. I thought the golgappa wala must be the reason behind this little crowd of some 15-20 men. But then I could clearly see the reason. I saw a man lying on the pavement and there was a bike nearby. I thought it to be an accident. But nobody really went and tried helping the man instead they all stood at a fair distance from him and were just looking at his fallen body. The man was then at a distance of maybe 5 6 feet from me and that is when I realised maybe he was dead. There was no blood no injury. It wasn’t an accident for sure. But I could see white foam all over his mouth and face. And all those men preferred standing at a distance and just watching him. I realised they were not watching him anymore rather stalking me. So some 30 40  eyes followed me. I heard only one man asking to the person standing next to him “so are we supposed to call the police?” and the other person ignored him and ordered a golgappa plate. I walked as if I did not see anything neither those sick men nor the dead man. I was blank. The voices in my head had stopped arguing, everything was blank. I did not stop and I did not look back. It was sick and disgusting.  I walked for some 2 minutes and stopped realising what I had just done. People can be mere onlookers to such a thing. They could have taken him to the hospital or called the police. But they preferred enjoying  golgappa or stalking a girl. Nobody bothered. Even I did not.I accuse those 20 men of being inhuman but then what did I do?I could have been the one to call the police. The voices in my head started fighting again, the headache got worse and I ignored everything and rushed home as soon as possible.

I talked to a friend about the whole incident. She just asked me to ignore it and there is not much I could have done, I was blank. I belong to the category of people who eat chocolates keep the wrappers in their pockets or bags and dispose them off when they find a dustbin  and throw away the chewing gum after wrapping it up with a paper. I save money for my birthday every year and spend it on small kids at the orphanage. And sometimes I buy food for beggars.  I lived in a myth that I was being human, or rather a decent human being. But cmon a decent human being could have spent 5 minutes on calling up the police. I knew the fact that the jobless stalkers out there could only stalk stalk and stalk while I made the call. Yet I behaved like I didn’t notice anything. It was just another evening and I was playing hide and seek with the dogs on the pavement. I had matters to worry about  like “what if and what if not “, my migraine, the stalkers.  And maybe  I did not care about anything else in the world at that moment.  I don’t know if I was being selfish or inhuman. Maybe the people out there too had their own reasons.I learnt something being human isnt about being human to your own self but being human to humanity.

Hair - I have a mind of my own! ;)

I look at the mirror and sing “messy hair messy hair what are you screaming at?” (this song been inspired by Phoebe from “Friends” you know smelly cat smelly cat what are they feeding you?)and my hair sing back “sleepy gal sleepy gal that’s not your business.”

Me: Lets fix you up J you would look great!!

My Hair: you mean you would look great? You get the compliment not us!

Me: isnt it the same thing?

My Hair: Don’t you remember what that lady said? you have  a pretty face, great figure but you need to do something about your hair you wont look good if you are bald, use our range of professional products .. and you did not buy any of the products she was trying to sell simply because those might have made us look good..you could not stand that..

Me: I am not rich enough to buy their products. :/

My Hair: Well we are not good enough to obey you. :D  Ouch! Will you please stop using that funny brush and hard comb you kill so many of us on a daily basis!! You spent so much on this funny brush meant for curling hairs but you cant afford to buy those products? Huh?! And for your knowledge we are already wavy and curly you need not get that brush for us. Sometimes use your brain don’t go all fancy and wow to buy things.  So are you going out somewhere? Because you totally ignore us when you are home, which saves us from the brush and comb war. Oh no please not that ironing machine again…! We get that you are going somewhere.. cant we go the way we are? Today we don’t have the mood to get any hotter .. even somedays you feel like going out in pajamas too!!

Me: I am not in a pajama mood today! Let me get you some serum would protect you from burns.

My Hair: ouch!! Bitch!

1 hour later!!

Me: grrr!! Cant you remain straight for some more time?? I wasted so much of time and here you are back to your own ways..

My Hair: you never had the patience to spend much time on us ! we did warn you we were in a pajama mood!

Me: Atleast stop getting tangled with each other all the time.. you get killed in the untangling process and it hurts me more.

My Hair: we have a mind and life of our own!

Me : what a lovely weather!

My Hair: it’s a windy day!

Me: long drive, open hairs feel the wind

My Hair: Do you understand you are getting us raped by the wind? Ahan you seem to be really enjoying this.. fine you will hate it once you see this bush on your head..

Me : ouuch ! will you stop fighting back I am trying to untangle you, cant you be a bit soft?

My Hair: you just got us raped! Suffer the aftermath!

Me: I need a haircut!!

My Hair: ahan ! we look good we guess! ;) enjoy your day!

Me: oh yes I spent so much on this hairstyle .. ^_^

2 days later..

Me: why cant you look the way you did two days back? Nobody believes me that I got a new hairstyle! You are all the same now..

My Hair: Lady we have a mind of our own!

Me: you need a massage! Do not fall down in between!

My Hair : how many of us did you lose?

Me: L one day you will be all gone it seems :’(

My Hair: Blah!

Me: After every wash why do you need to scream around and party?? You realise how difficult it is to quieten you up? cant you be friends with the conditioner and the serum?

My Hair: Party all day! Party all night!

X y z : why don’t you straighten up your curls and waves?? Would look better and manageable..

Me : hmm

My Hair : hmmm so planning to get us operated? Are you?

Me: Nope!

My Hair: why?

Me: I love you for what you are.. I like you all messed up maybe! You remind me of myself.. uncontrollable and wild..  you have a mind of your own ? don’t you?

My Hair: awww! Touched ! in that case a piece of advice- keep that stress thing out of our breeding ground that kills us a lot!

Me : will try.. promise me we will be friends!! You have to listen to me..

My Hair : PARTY ALL DAY!! PARTY ALLL NIGHT!!