Red Over Silver

She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. Her moist sad eyes kept searching for him. The aroma of the strong coffee reminded her of the first time she had met him five years back.

A nineteen year old nervous girl poured a cup of coffee for him.  

”Antara you look beautiful” he said with a mischievous smile.

The cup slipped from her hands. She was scared to look at him. She was told it was impossible to find a man like Vikkram. It’s because of her lucky stars that she was getting married to him. But Antara never wanted her lucky stars to smile at her in this manner, not when she had just started her college life. She wanted to study further and pursue her career in investment banking. She badly wanted to tell Vikkram about her life, her interests but he did not seem to be in a mood to listen. He kept flaunting his lucrative business, his new ventures, and his foreign trips. Antara’s mother held her close and whispered “Antu you are so lucky!! He will keep you really happy; he is perfect.” Nobody asked for her opinion. Rings were exchanged right there on their first meeting. Not in her weirdest nightmares had she ever thought of getting married to a stranger. She had a smile on her face throughout the entire ceremony but her eyes spoke a different tale. And since then her eyes and her smile always speak two different contradictory tales.

She never got a chance to speak to Vikkram again till they met each other on the wedding day. They had spoken three or four times over phone but the only words that Antara was allowed to speak was “yes, no and okay.” They barely knew each other and Vikkram never really made an attempt to know her any better. Antara was never sure if he was the man she wanted to spend her lifetime with. But she chose to believe what everyone told her. He was the most eligible bachelor and she was lucky to have him.

 A nervous and scared Antara had shared her secret dream with her father hoping her Baba would understand.

“An Investment banker? You are not a man Antu, you are a woman. You are not meant for it. This is simply foolishness, a silly interest.”

This was not the reply she had expected from her Baba.

 “But Baba what is so foolish about my dream?” she asked timidly.

Her Baba roared “the college environment has polluted your mind, stop trying to be a man. Flush the silly ideas out of your mind.” 

She never spoke about her silly foolish dream again but could never flush it out. She hoped that Vikkram would understand but he was never interested in knowing her. She showed him her naked soul, her fears, her love but never her dreams and he just ripped her apart. If only she had protected her dreams and lived them her life would have been so much different.

She ordered another coffee and kept staring outside. He would be here any moment. The same thought had raced in her mind on their wedding night as she waited for him “he would be here any moment.” She wanted to talk to him, know him better. And like always she was not allowed to utter any words. It was Vikkram’s tongue, mouth, and hands that spoke to her whole body. Her friends had told her that love making was supposed to be pleasant and beautiful. Later she realised they never really made love, they just had sex whenever Vikkram wanted. She never had a say in anything. She was a devoted wife who kept to kitchen and bedroom taking care of her husband’s needs. When his demands were not satisfied on time she had to tolerate the devil in him.

“Excuse me mam, sugar? Mam do you need extra sugar?” 
The hot liquid burnt her lips and she was zapped back to the present. She nodded.The boy smiled back and left. She realised she had been drinking a strong coffee without sugar. It tasted okay. Not the way Vikkram had reacted, when she had forgotten to add sugar in his coffee and the whole cup was thrown at her face. She wished she had the courage to walk out of that loveless marriage that choked her soul then and now has killed her, not just her, but her little hopes and dreams. She looked at the blue silk scarf and her eyes were flooded with tears. She pushed them back and used her kurta sleeve to dry up her cheeks. This wasn’t the time to be weak. He would be here.

She remembered the time when she was happy with Vikkram. She had called him up to say that she was pregnant. Vikkram had rushed home and hugged her. She was happy and hopeful that things will change for better. She started dreaming of a loving husband, a home and a happy family. She was smiling. Vikkram had stopped being rude to her. Though he never bothered taking care of her, not even accompanying her to the doctor but he did not interfere at all and that was a relief.                             
But one day he called her up from work “Antara did you go for your check up?” Antara was surprised and was on seventh heaven. She shouted in her mind “HE CARES FOR ME!!” She replied softly that she would go later in the afternoon.

“Okay listen to me carefully. I want you to do something for me. Promise me you will” he spoke very softly.

“Yes anything you say...” she chirped with excitement.

“Okay sweetheart find out whether we will have a son or a daughter. We can start finding out names accordingly.”

She smiled and said sure.

He responded in a very cold voice “I hope you bring good news.”

The reports made her more excited. Her little princess will be with her in a few months. She had already started talking to her princess, while touching her womb and smiling. Vikkram did not utter a word. Neither did he talk to their princess nor did he suggest any names. He smiled and said “we should find a better doctor.” He did take her to a better doctor. He was a better doctor, who killed her little princess. By the time Antara realised what was about to happen she also knew it was too late. Like always she did not have a say in it. That night she died for the first time. A sense of guilt and weakness engulfed her. She did not even understand why her princess was killed even before she was born. Vikkram never told her why he did this to their princess. Antara’s cries and pain went unnoticed. What a horrible mother she had been. She could not save her little princess. Months passed and things kept getting worse and yet she tolerated everything. Her second abortion was not a shock to her anymore. She had accepted the fact that it was a men’s world and just like her even her daughters do not have a place in it. Vikkram stayed away from home most of the time. They barely talked. His occasional visits simply meant forceful sex. She did not have the right to ask him his whereabouts. She was better off without him. She wished to run away from him yet she did not.

She was alone and lonely until one day when she realised that there was someone breathing inside her. She was scared to tell Vikkram, but at the same time she could not hide it from him for long.

As she walked out of the doctor’s clinic she messaged him “it’s a boy...Do we need to see the better doctor?”

The next day he took her out for shopping. She shopped like never before. She bought a blue silk scarf for the one who would finally come to the world and call her “Ma”. Her eyes could not move an inch from the pink scarf. It was her favourite sugary pink colour. But blue was meant for boys. The next few months were spent on planning the baby’s grand welcome. The little one already had a room for himself even before opening his eyes. Antara got one wall painted blue with Disney characters on it. She did not wish to paint the other wall blue, she longed for the sugary pink colour. Hence the walls were left half painted. A small cot was placed in the middle with ducks, fish and stars dangling above. A huge teddy bear sat on the cot along with the silk blue scarf waiting for his little friend. The room was filled with toys of all kinds. In the midst of all the toys hid a Barbie doll invisible to everyone.

Her eyes were still fixed outside the window. She never had three cups of coffee in a row before. She looked at her watch. He was late, like always.

 He was late even on the day when she was alone in the hospital bearing the pain of child birth. Now she wished he had never turned up that day. She was alone with the nurse who told her stuffs that her ears did not pay attention to. She prayed like never before. If a lie could save a life, she did not commit any sin by lying.  Vikkram will be angry with her, and she might be punished. But she was ready to bear anything for the little one. She believed the moment he would take the little angel in his arms he would forget everything. He would accept the fact that she is their daughter. Her smile would melt him. She did not remember what happened next. By the time she opened her eyes her little angel was in Vikkram’s hands. He simply smiled and showed her the angel’s face. Antara’s eyes were full of tears, tears of happiness. Her angel was asleep. What a beauty! She looked at Vikkram and could hardly speak she tried saying sorry.

“She needs to undergo few tests. You take rest.”  Vikkram said softly and left holding the little angel in his arms.

Antara waited impatiently for them but they did not turn up for hours. The nurse helped her dress up and gave her a note.“Dearest Antara, Our angel is in her dream world fast asleep. She looks beautiful wrapped up in red. Come soon. I have a surprise for you.” love Vikkram

Did he actually sign with love? She was happy that her angel had melted his heart. She rushed home. Vikkram hugged her at the doorstep and whispered in her ears “upstairs in her room.” Antara’s heart raced as she took every single step to her angel’s room. As she opened the door she looked at the half painted walls. The musical train and the monkey were already playing their part. And her little angel must be asleep on the blue scarf. As she stood near the cot, her world fell apart and so did the dangling ducks, fish and stars. She could not breathe. She could not find her baby there. A silver knife bathed in red was wrapped in the blue silk scarf. A note was fixed to the teddy bear “she is there where she was meant to be. Your lie cannot create miracles.” 

She screamed till her throat burnt. She kicked away the musical train and monkey. She lowered herself to the floor and pulled her legs close to her as if trying to hug her own self. Her little angel was killed while she was still in her dreams. She never got to know her mother. She did not deserve this. A knife was pierced into her soft body by her own father. She was murdered in her sleep. She picked up the blood stained knife wrapped in the scarf, held it close to her and walked downstairs. She did not look at Vikkram. She simply walked away from him to her Baba’s place. She knew she should have done this years back.

She locked herself in a room for two days. She did not eat or sleep. She cried and then laughed out loud. Sometimes she simply screamed at the top of her lungs. And sometimes she would hold the scarf and the knife close to her bosom and sing lullabies as if she was rocking her little darling to sleep. She never opened the door. Every knock at the door was reciprocated with a shrill cry. On the third day she finally got up and took a shower. She sat on the floor and looked at the mirror. She stared at her reflection and shouted “You are pathetic! You are weak.” She realised she was weak yet she had the strength to tolerate what she should not have. But she never had the strength to stand for herself; to stand up for what has always been right. She did not just fail as a mother but she knew she could never forgive herself for not following her dreams. She knew she would hate herself forever for being a puppet in Vikkram’s hands. She knew she deserved this pain. But she wished there was a statutory limit to it. Life would have meant something if only she had lived it. She knew she was sad but had nor fallen apart. She wiped away her tears and stood up and whispered to her sad eyes in the mirror “you are not allowed to fall apart, definitely not now.”

She dialled Vikkram’s number and perhaps for the first time she spoke in a clear loud voice “meet me at Starbucks in an hour, it’s urgent.” She disconnected without waiting for his response. She knew he would come.

And finally Antara’s wait was over.

 He walked towards her with the same pride as if nothing was wrong. She has to end this. She has to walk out of this meaningless painful relationship anyhow. She got up and hugged Vikkram and whispered into his ears “let my last tear fall on you and there will be smiles henceforth.” He never got the time to respond as he felt the already blood stained knife plunged into his heart. And the last thing he saw was Antara’s smile.

                                                                                      

                                                                                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                        

STOP!!

Unstoppable was the word that described her the best.  Even the red lights at the traffic stop could not stop her. She was fast and rebellious. She drove like she was competing with the wind.  It was past midnight and she was on the road racing with the wind. And for the first time ever she pressed the brake this hard. The car came to a screeching halt on the bridge. She rushed out of the car and ran towards the silhouette of a man standing near the edge of the bridge. This would have scared any other person but she was unstoppable. The man was about to jump off the bridge. She shouted “hey you, STOP!!”  The next moment she saw something falling down rather flying in mid air. She shouted “STOP YOU FOOL!!”  She knew she was too late. She could not save him. She was too stunned to move. She just saw someone die and she could not do anything. She was freezing and could not move . She was woken up from her state of shock by the light on the bridge which also died. Even darkness never stopped her. And all of a sudden she was scared of it. She tried to move towards her car, she tried to run but could barely move her feet. She had never walked this slow in her whole life. She closed her eyes and whispered to herself “run”. And the moment she sprang into acion she heard a chilling cold voice “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could not move an inch. Her legs froze.  She felt cold yet she was sweating. She looked back she could see nothing nobody. It was pitch dark. She ran to her car and drove back home. She took a shower trying to calm herself down she could still hear the cold voice ringing in her ears. She thought it to be happening inside her head maybe she was simply shaken up with what had just happened few minutes back. She popped in some pills and forced herself to sleep.

                                                                         She woke up late with a bad headache as if she had a bad hangover. Slowly she recalled the events of the previous night. She forced herself out of bed and rushed. She made herself a cup of coffee and put the bread on the toaster and grabbed the newspaper. The headlines flashed “ man jumps off Bridge 10 and kills himself.”  A part of her wanted to read the whole story about who the man was what are the probable reasons behind his suicide.  As she moved her eyes down to the main story she heard a cold voice “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  The coffee mug slipped from her hand and crashed on the ground. She threw away the newspaper and just looked at the broken pieces of the mug. She could not hear the toaster bell ring. The burnt smell got her back to her senses. She rushed outside without bothering to clean up the mess. She drove like a maniac. She thought she just needed some time to get over it. The voice is all her imagination. She stopped at her favourite place, the library. She headed straight for the classics. She was about to pull out her favourite book when the voice haunted her again “STOP!!STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could not move her hands. The voice screamed into her ears. It cannot be just imagination. She ran to her car. Back home she popped in some sleeping pills and hit the bed. Few hours later the cold voice whispered into her ears  “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  She got up screaming. It was raining outside and the wind kept knocking the window. She thought it was all in her mind.  She made herself some pasta and switched on the tv. She kept on increasing the volume but still nothing was audible. She shook off the remote and tried again.The volume kept increasing and still she could not hear a word. She was almost inside the television trying to hear and finding out what was wrong and finally she heard it. It was loud and colder than before “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  It came right from inside the tv. She was never this scared before. She rushed back to her room shouting and crying. She calmed herself down its all in her head. She just needed rest. A week passed she could barely eat sleep or do anything. The voices kept haunting her all the time. She acted weird at times. It was weird for others not for her. She would stop dead in the middle of  a presentation, coffee mugs kept crashing on the ground, she would throw away stuffs all of a sudden,  she would start running, stop speaking, and even stopped her car in a no parking zone. To every other person around her everything about her was abnormal. Nobody could hear what she heard. She visited the pyschiatrist. The moment she opened her mouth she heard “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!” She could barely speak. She forced herself to anti depressants and sleeping pills. But the voice never left her.

                                                                  One night she drove aimlessly frustrated with the voice. She came across Bridge 10 she increased the speed and then she heard it “STOP!! STOP YOU FOOL!!”  It wasn’t the cold voice it was her own she remembered the night she tried saving the man. These were her words. She jumped out of the car and rushed to the spot where the man stood that night. She screamed out loud “DON’T STOP!!JUST GOOO!!! LET GOO OFFF ME YOU FOOL!LET GO OFF ME!!!” She felt someone pushing her or rather letting go off her. And before she could understand she felt she was flying off in mid air. She heard someone shout from above the bridge “STOP!!” The light post laughed out loud and the light died down.

Every full moon night She cried out for a love she could not touch..!!

A flickering light flashed on her face and a gentle breeze blew her hair. And for the first time in many years she opened her eyes without compulsion. She witnessed something beautiful through the broken glass of the window. She dragged herself to the window and was awestruck at the beauty of the silver coloured grass. She felt like the moon had bathed the entire world in its colour. Little did she know then that the entire world meant just her world. She had never felt something this beautiful on her face before. For years she had been subjected to various kind of lights that wretched her but for the first time this silver light had a peculiar aura.  She wanted to absorb more of it. She searched for the source behind this powerful brightness. And high above the moon played hide and seek with her. It kept hiding in between the branches of the tree. She tried hard to see it but could only catch a glimpse of it. For the first time in many years she was this curious, this restless. Hours passed and the moon kept running away to a direction that her eyes could not follow. And the broken glass just became a broken glass yet again in sometime. The ray of light and hope vanished. She forced herself back to bed with a broken heart.  

                                                              When the sun peeped into her room she got up with excitement that  the golden light would soon be replaced by the silver light. She waited anxiously for the the day to end. The sun bade farewell but the newly found love of her life never turned up to meet her. The sky was beset with clouds and forbade the meeting. Disappointed and broken she kept looking at the dark clouds. Sometimes begging them to move and sometimes cursing them. And she was back to her lonely painful  dark life. Another day passed , and the silver light crept inside through the broken glass. Her joy knew no bounds. She smiled like never before. She stared without winking at the precious white ball on the sky. She did not count the hours she had spent simply looking at it. She was in love, the kind of love she never had known to have existed. She was intoxicated with love. And the lustrous moon played its part, it shone even brighter. There was something magical about the moon. She could not keep her eyes away from it even for a second. She was scared what if it vanished again she would have to wait for another one day and what if she did not live to see it again. She did not want to die, not now, not anymore. She wanted to live to feel and touch her newly found love.

                                                               The days passed and the bitter pills,cruel needles did not bother her anymore. She was ready to tolerate everything just to live for one more night. The sun had become a villain in her story.The few hours in the night that she spent with her long distance love were the only part of the whole day that she lived, she smiled and she looked forward to. She hated those nights when she would eagerly wait for her love and it would never turn up. But she was determined to live for another day just to express her unspoken love. She was indulged in her unbelievable world of love on a full moon night. She let the silver light bathe her face. She never felt more beautiful.  She did not budge a bit from her state of intoxication till her body gave up. By the time she opened her eyes the love of her life had vanished. She was shattered. Little did she know that just like she was beholden to her pills the moon was beholden to the sun. She closed her eyes. She could not see the moon shining again.

                                                               Every full moon night when the moon shines brightly on the graveyard, someone cries out loud from a coffin in the far corner of the yard. She cries out for the love she could not ever touch, for a love she would never touch. Few miles away a grandma tells her little grandchildren “go to bed the werewolf howls again.”

"V" Day!

I was just 7 or 8 years old when I learnt the importance of 14^th February. I learnt it from the Children’s Encyclopedia.  Valentine’s Day is the day you celebrate love, you tell the people you love how much you care about them. And it also taught us to make Valentine’s Day cards for “mom” “dad”. Tell your mom how much you love her. I was confused. Do I seriously need a particular day to tell that to them? What’s so special about this day? And to confuse me even more the idiot box played its part. Whichever channel I switch to there is someone singing for someone expressing their love, someone confessing about their feelings and the romantic songs dedication, college kids (back then they were matured adults for me)howling n shouting much like the neelam show from kuch kuch hota hai. Perhaps Saffron brigade wasn’t that active back then.  But none of them expressed their love for their mom or dad. The colourful lovely three pages of encyclopedia was a waste then? Either the one who wrote it doesn’t know about Valentine’s Day or the people on television haven’t read what I have read. So finally I ended up asking my mom. She told me a story. Perhaps this incident happened in Rome. There was a king I don’t remember his name. There was a threat attack on his kingdom. An impending war was inevitable. Hence the king forbade his soldiers from getting married.(I wish we had such kings now :P not a single wedding to take place till you fight a war, climb a mountain or maybe travel at least  10 countries :P ) but who could stop the people blinded by love? They wanted to get married. And here comes our hero “St Valentines”, he solemnised all the weddings secretly in the church disobeying the kings order. He could not keep the love birds away from each other. So he was imprisoned and executed on the 14^th of February.  And the couples commemorated him by celebrating 14^th February as Valentine’s Day. A day dedicated to love. Sigh! All the love stories have to end with the important characters death be it Romeo Juliet or be it the person who helped the love sick couples. And the story got imprinted in my mind since then. So basically we celebrate this in memory of a martyr. I don’t know if the whole story is truth or myth but this story made more sense than the whole concept of dedicating 1 day to the three words, pink red hearts, flowers, and what not.

And as I grew up there was no more just Valentine’s Day but a whole Valentines week. Back in school the best part about the whole valentine’s week was the mix taped romantic songs you get in one cassette. Valentine special offers on music cassettes, all your favourite romantic songs together. This is more of a fashionable week dedicated to all the people into cards, teddy bears, flowers, chocolates, and jewellery ring business. It must be like the best time of the year for them.  Had there been any props for hugs and kisses I am sure even that business would have boomed during this week. The stores the cafeterias coffee shops all go pink with hearts and balloons. And everyone gets drunk to the idea of celebrating love and its side effects in this particular week. And the ones who find it a pretty expensive affair and the ones who don’t have that special someone to pamper or be pampered are drunk on the idea that a better “single” life exists for them today and maybe they don’t need a day to celebrate their love. And some are drunk on the idea that love doesn't exist.. "huh! but I will marry out of the fear of dying alone and to fulfill society's demand but never celebrate valentines day."  And for people like me it is just another Saturday afternoon where I crib why do I have to take a shower daily? It makes me sleepy and hence would spoil my lovey dovey date with books!! They don’t love me when I am sleepy we tend to lose the whole chemistry between us..! adios! I won’t get lunch till I get a shower. Happy Valentine’s Day!! J

YOU DON’T NEED WATER TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DROWNING..

Washroom isnt the place to check your results but I wanted to check it alone. I went numb. No its definitely not my marks perhaps it’s a 68 not a 38 if I zoom it will be a 68. No it wasn't I saw 38s and just saw the word FAIL! It cant be my marks. I didn’t cry rather I couldn’t I was too shocked to react. I came out and told a friend “nahi hua I got a 38 in fin reporting and sfm aswell how?” I was sort of stoned. I went inside the class took my seat, the faculty was busy consoling another girl who did not make it. You know that feeling when you don’t even need water to drown yes that’s how I felt somewhere I was sinking I was drowning. But I needed water I bent down to open my bag and seems I did not really need my water bottle my eyes did the job.  Mam are you okay? You okay? Perhaps this was repeated some 3 times and finally I looked up and said yes but my tears also have a mind of their own they couldn’t control their flow. And the faculty asked so you also didn’t make it? I just nodded and said I am fine.He talked about some success failure theory that my ears or mind couldn’t receive. Somebody hugged me and whispered ” its okay its always not your fault I did it in my 7^th attempt I know how it feels” and then I don’t know what I said and what she said. I was in some other world. But then that was when I realised who she was. That was the moment when I actually realised I was in class.. I just excused myself and walked out of the class. I kept walking, talking over the phone to a friend and crying. I reached home. I just told dad I didn’t make it. He didn’t ask me anything else. Normally I am a God friendly person I talk to Him fight and shout at Him. For a change I didn’t ask or tell Him anything there were just few questions that haunted me “what went wrong? Is something wrong with me? Now what? How do I start all over again? Do I have it in me? Am I really dumb?What more can I do?” My confidence level had gone down by 60 percent. I sat, I cried and the questions haunted me even more. Now what? From where do I start again? I called up one of my bosses who has been kind of a guide through out these three years. I asked him now what? He said watch a movie today apply for the answer sheets and see what went wrong. And its okay you cant digest it now you will be fine you are strong. My head and eyes ached and I had to go back to class. I had my lunch and rushed to the class. I told myself “you have to hold yourself together no matter how much glue you need. Just hold.”  I had a very bad headache I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, I asked a friend to get medicine. The medicine seriously couldn’t defeat the pain that I was going through. The moment I entered the class  a guy who always joked around a lot came to me and nervously asked all good? I laughed and said dude you can be normal with me I am all good. I laughed I joked throughout the class I held back my tears and smiled. I scribbled on my note pad “ I am cluless I am losing it I don’t have any confidence where did I go wrong?am I really dumb?” my friend sitting next to me snatched it away and scribbled back “don’t lose hope, you are really good I know that. Ask anyone out here they will vouch for the same. You are hardworking just stick to it. Sometimes its not your fault.”  It meant a lot. J I kept telling myself hold yourself hold yourself. I laughed, I joked I behaved like “aalll iss well” but no nothing was really well but I had to be strong.  I couldn’t help getting the flashbacks of the last five years, all the uncles and aunties who kept taunting me for not getting through IIT and now that I am getting older and I am still nothing its high time my parents should start thinking of getting me married. Firstly I am not old secondly they should drink their own cup of tea. Then I took the first resolution of the year stay away from such people till I become a CA and I genuinely don’t care if they are a part of the family. Throughout the day few of my friends kept whatsapping me it might have sounded like” gyaan” but they  wanted to tell me “we wont let you give up now!! you are the best we know! “ ps: I had made them promise me long time back never ever to let me give up!! Maybe because I knew it wasn’t meant to be easy.  Within that span of 5 hours I saw a different me someone who was drowning and sinking from within, someone who was joking and laughing, someone who was congratulating and was happy for all those who made it, someone who was holding herself together. There was a whole bunch of things I was supposed to speak on our concluding feedback session. haa! I spoke maybe 3 lines that actually made no sense. The whole thing ended at around 8pm I got back home my hands were still trembling right from the time I checked my results. I wanted to check it again I was like maybe I saw it all wrong. I checked it again. Maybe there was some mistake in the database they might be showing somebody else’s marks. I cried during dinner I tried to be normal but it was like I did all I could I don’t know what went wrong.  I hit the bed with a hope let tomorrow come I will be fine. I will start afresh like my brother said. I closed my eyes I could not sleep and I checked the results for one more time. Perhaps I had checked somebody else’s. 

Being Inhuman..

It was just another lazy evening. I was walking back home. Its hardly a 10 minutes walk from class. There was some rock band playing really hard inside my head. I felt like my head would explode any moment, migraine attacks are sometimes dead painful. And then there were disturbed voices in my head shouting “what if and what if not? “  I could not shut them out. The cold air and the smokers on the pavement irritated me. Normally I enjoy walking. Maybe today wasn’t one of those normal days. I could see from a distance many people on the pavement. Normally the dogs and I own it at this time of the evening. I thought the golgappa wala must be the reason behind this little crowd of some 15-20 men. But then I could clearly see the reason. I saw a man lying on the pavement and there was a bike nearby. I thought it to be an accident. But nobody really went and tried helping the man instead they all stood at a fair distance from him and were just looking at his fallen body. The man was then at a distance of maybe 5 6 feet from me and that is when I realised maybe he was dead. There was no blood no injury. It wasn’t an accident for sure. But I could see white foam all over his mouth and face. And all those men preferred standing at a distance and just watching him. I realised they were not watching him anymore rather stalking me. So some 30 40  eyes followed me. I heard only one man asking to the person standing next to him “so are we supposed to call the police?” and the other person ignored him and ordered a golgappa plate. I walked as if I did not see anything neither those sick men nor the dead man. I was blank. The voices in my head had stopped arguing, everything was blank. I did not stop and I did not look back. It was sick and disgusting.  I walked for some 2 minutes and stopped realising what I had just done. People can be mere onlookers to such a thing. They could have taken him to the hospital or called the police. But they preferred enjoying  golgappa or stalking a girl. Nobody bothered. Even I did not.I accuse those 20 men of being inhuman but then what did I do?I could have been the one to call the police. The voices in my head started fighting again, the headache got worse and I ignored everything and rushed home as soon as possible.

I talked to a friend about the whole incident. She just asked me to ignore it and there is not much I could have done, I was blank. I belong to the category of people who eat chocolates keep the wrappers in their pockets or bags and dispose them off when they find a dustbin  and throw away the chewing gum after wrapping it up with a paper. I save money for my birthday every year and spend it on small kids at the orphanage. And sometimes I buy food for beggars.  I lived in a myth that I was being human, or rather a decent human being. But cmon a decent human being could have spent 5 minutes on calling up the police. I knew the fact that the jobless stalkers out there could only stalk stalk and stalk while I made the call. Yet I behaved like I didn’t notice anything. It was just another evening and I was playing hide and seek with the dogs on the pavement. I had matters to worry about  like “what if and what if not “, my migraine, the stalkers.  And maybe  I did not care about anything else in the world at that moment.  I don’t know if I was being selfish or inhuman. Maybe the people out there too had their own reasons.I learnt something being human isnt about being human to your own self but being human to humanity.

Hair - I have a mind of my own! ;)

I look at the mirror and sing “messy hair messy hair what are you screaming at?” (this song been inspired by Phoebe from “Friends” you know smelly cat smelly cat what are they feeding you?)and my hair sing back “sleepy gal sleepy gal that’s not your business.”

Me: Lets fix you up J you would look great!!

My Hair: you mean you would look great? You get the compliment not us!

Me: isnt it the same thing?

My Hair: Don’t you remember what that lady said? you have  a pretty face, great figure but you need to do something about your hair you wont look good if you are bald, use our range of professional products .. and you did not buy any of the products she was trying to sell simply because those might have made us look good..you could not stand that..

Me: I am not rich enough to buy their products. :/

My Hair: Well we are not good enough to obey you. :D  Ouch! Will you please stop using that funny brush and hard comb you kill so many of us on a daily basis!! You spent so much on this funny brush meant for curling hairs but you cant afford to buy those products? Huh?! And for your knowledge we are already wavy and curly you need not get that brush for us. Sometimes use your brain don’t go all fancy and wow to buy things.  So are you going out somewhere? Because you totally ignore us when you are home, which saves us from the brush and comb war. Oh no please not that ironing machine again…! We get that you are going somewhere.. cant we go the way we are? Today we don’t have the mood to get any hotter .. even somedays you feel like going out in pajamas too!!

Me: I am not in a pajama mood today! Let me get you some serum would protect you from burns.

My Hair: ouch!! Bitch!

1 hour later!!

Me: grrr!! Cant you remain straight for some more time?? I wasted so much of time and here you are back to your own ways..

My Hair: you never had the patience to spend much time on us ! we did warn you we were in a pajama mood!

Me: Atleast stop getting tangled with each other all the time.. you get killed in the untangling process and it hurts me more.

My Hair: we have a mind and life of our own!

Me : what a lovely weather!

My Hair: it’s a windy day!

Me: long drive, open hairs feel the wind

My Hair: Do you understand you are getting us raped by the wind? Ahan you seem to be really enjoying this.. fine you will hate it once you see this bush on your head..

Me : ouuch ! will you stop fighting back I am trying to untangle you, cant you be a bit soft?

My Hair: you just got us raped! Suffer the aftermath!

Me: I need a haircut!!

My Hair: ahan ! we look good we guess! ;) enjoy your day!

Me: oh yes I spent so much on this hairstyle .. ^_^

2 days later..

Me: why cant you look the way you did two days back? Nobody believes me that I got a new hairstyle! You are all the same now..

My Hair: Lady we have a mind of our own!

Me: you need a massage! Do not fall down in between!

My Hair : how many of us did you lose?

Me: L one day you will be all gone it seems :’(

My Hair: Blah!

Me: After every wash why do you need to scream around and party?? You realise how difficult it is to quieten you up? cant you be friends with the conditioner and the serum?

My Hair: Party all day! Party all night!

X y z : why don’t you straighten up your curls and waves?? Would look better and manageable..

Me : hmm

My Hair : hmmm so planning to get us operated? Are you?

Me: Nope!

My Hair: why?

Me: I love you for what you are.. I like you all messed up maybe! You remind me of myself.. uncontrollable and wild..  you have a mind of your own ? don’t you?

My Hair: awww! Touched ! in that case a piece of advice- keep that stress thing out of our breeding ground that kills us a lot!

Me : will try.. promise me we will be friends!! You have to listen to me..

My Hair : PARTY ALL DAY!! PARTY ALLL NIGHT!!