The last 365..

Ding dong!! Good morning it’s the last day of the year and I wake up with the same type of nightmare yet again.  This nightmare should not affect me anymore because I was supposed to get used to it by now. I mean I get the same type of nightmare every week since the last fifty weeks or more. But that feeling still sucks. And like always I messaged few friends about this and like always they consoled me with it was just a nightmare they don’t come true. Yea hopefully not!! But then somedays you are way too tired of them and seriously I did not really want it to screw me up even on this last day of the year. And no matter what I knew it would keep haunting me for the rest of the day.  I told mom that I had this nightmare that I flunked. She just laughed out loud. That was better than any other reaction that I had expected. I did not want to let the horrible feeling pull me down hence I started finding out ways to cheer myself up. Couldn’t get any! I spent the whole day watching “Friends.”  Then I realised I wasn’t really trying to cheer myself up but merely distracting my mind and killing the time. Somedays it sucks more than they usually do.  A friend suggested I should not shut down these emotions rather take them out. Then I thought of calling on this pyschoanalyst’s helpline number I have almost since a month and I never really felt like calling. I had sent them an email and they sent me back a number and said our councellors are well trained to take care of your case call them up anytime. I am never good at talking I prefer writing emails. I really did not know what I was going to speak to them that I am bored of every damn thing in my life. That an exam haunts me, people scare me, I hate people, the whole society thing irritates me, I have watched exactly 6 movies in the last two years (I can name them too!), and I can actually count the number of times I actually went out of my house in the last one year and that might just depress me more ( I did keep a count of that, how many hours you waste outside sorta thing it was!), and that I don’t even have a single person to go out for a cup of coffee aswell, that urge to just run away somewhere all alone,and about all the irritating people I have who we call relatives family friends who are dementors , NO I mean it!, their unwanted so called concern about every damn thing which is none of their business,  their free advises, their attempt to brain wash my parents most of the time they successfully do that,  I listen I listen I listen and I am tired of listening ! the voices in my head  somedays want to explode “will you please mind your own business.” But you just keep telling yourself this should not bother you but it does!  And in what way can the councellor on the other side help me? He or she doesn’t even know my name (you can be anonymous they don’t care !) maybe they would have asked me to keep calm, relax, exercise, yoga , keep yourself busy, right sleep, talk to someone close to you blah blah.. guess what I know it wont help. 

               I told my friend the only way I can vent all this out is by writing and new years eve isnt just the right time to write such a thing. Besides who would bother to read this? And maybe people will hate me more for this! But then that doesn’t matter much. :P I mean the people who matter already know  and they don’t hate me for this. The last 365 days were supposed to be really important for me but sometimes I feel I just blew it up the whole year. It meant a lot it really did. I went for classes  where there is someone on the tv teaching and unfortunately you are allowed only to listen to him not talk or ask your doubts or queries. And then you go around asking your fellow classmates to help you either they are equally cluless or maybe they havent understood  it well and can explain when they go through it again. By the time they understand it trust me there is a high possibilty you might have forgotten that you had that particular query and there is so much more to study you might just skip it. And then you realise you never have time to cover this vast syllabus so skip the part you don’t understand and keep focusing on the part you have already done. Many of us do that but not everyone has my type of luck the part I skip I might end up getting  30 marks questions from there itself.  The classes were never easy aswell. Early morning classes right from 6:30 to 10:30 at a stretch and most of the time few people like me left at 10 because we had an office to go. I mean you just look and listen to this person on the the flat screen. He cant see you, he doesn’t know what on earth are you doing. Somedays I fell asleep I cant help it I have never been an early morning person. And sometimes I used to eat in the evening classes  now once again I cant help it I cant concentrate when I am hungry. And I was treated like an alien by the rest of the class sometimes for this. You know I kind of disturbed them  when I opened my bag or when I went out of the class (to use the washroom!) sorry  sometimes theres emergency I drink a hell lot of water I cant control that either. I just go out once not like I keep on going. Jesus Christ how on earth did this disturb them? You know the kind of looks they would give like I just pierced a knife into their heart.  I remember visiting the Institute library where they hate it if you switch on the fan. Even that disturbs them!!Now that reminds me of all those people who told me few years back that science students are more hardworking nerds and all that stuff( add up as many goooood adjectives you can) and I wasn’t  good enough hence I switched to commerce. They were wrong like always.  And they even said I am studying some coresspondence course which doesn’t have  a future because I wont be an engineer. Anyways  ignore the ignorant souls.

Sometimes I did not sleep for days either I was studying or there was something inside my mind that never let me and then there were days I never wanted to get up I just wanted to sleep and sleep.  All I did was studied all these days and the worse part is I don’t know when I will be finally getting a degree.  I always knew that’s how it was supposed to be. But then I never knew that it would actually be this tough. I did have problems fitting in here. You know I cant fit in with people who think I waste my time reading novels and writing.Plus I read fiction literature books they don’t have any motivation stuff in them and the same applies to my writings. True but when I read them I am in a  better world having an intelligent conversation with sexy people. I should have studied instead of wasting time on all this. Yes so many people told that to me.  And I really cannot stand people who keep asking me CA? whats that? :-O yes such people exist!! An IITian asked me this CA creative arts right?so which college? You are still studying? Omg you flunked!!??how??cmon you cant score a 40?yes right even I thought the same when I got into CA, ask me the value of a 40 and 59 now J L  oh so you flunk in one paper and you appear all the four again??you are kidding lying!! That’s impossible.. Oh yes you know everything then why on earth do you ask? :\ And then there are such species -You are still working there? Dint I say this 2 months back that my internship is for 3 years and still people ask me every other month you still working there? So what will you do after  this?Work in a hotel? Dude if I have an experience in hotel audit doesn’t mean I will work in a hotel.. and yes they all thought maybe I did some waitress receptionist job out there..then what will you do make balance sheets? Haha why would a company hire you for making balance sheets? Theres so much more that Chartered Accountants do. Its sad you don’t know. But maybe for a change try increasing your knowledge rather than treating me like a waste.  And the best question from which college ? you tell them The Institute of Chartered Accountants of India and they are like huh?whats that?wheres that?? Oh there is a small building somewhere there yea yea ….! I am sure these people would buy it when you say you study at IIN(watch the idea add in case you dint get me) they would go oh wow!! And then there are people who can actually talk like she wont get a guy to marry she is still studying, CA isnt for girls.. forget it I cant type about these cruel people..I hate them yes I do! nobody wants their expert opinion. To make it worse what hurts the most is when you are struggling so hard for something people who you want to support you, understand your dreams are more concerned about things that don’t matter to you at all.. like getting a nice guy to marry .. Seriously I am not studying for a degree that would make me an eligible candidate for getting married to some tom dick harry! No that’s really not my concern I spend sleepless nights I keep pushing myself every day that I will do it.. and then you never really have anyone to understand you.. what makes it more tough is lack of motivation and encouragement from people around you. Because they are more concerned about I might die single genuinely I would not mind that if I am happy being single. And the whole conclusion is I should have studied somethingelse which would not have taken so much time. Someone kill me !! I don’t remember the last time when someone asked me what I seriously plan to do in life? Where I see myself few years from now?  Whats my idea of life? The only thing you keep hearing who got married who got into iit iim .. who did this that..all the good guys will be taken you don’t understand..your generation is such a disappointment to your parents and if you have a sibling who isnt around then you become a victim on his or her behalf aswell and hear all the blah blah. So before anyone calls me anti social remember its just that people are anti me. Had it been a one day affair that’s okay.. but same thing every time you meet them…  I already have problems of my own you don’t have to make it worse.

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are settled working  and I am still studying that feeling sucks.. but then I have the kind of friends who keep supporting me” it’s a matter of few more days don’t worry we will do this when you are  a CA.”  And perhaps the only people who always think that I deserve a break after my exams.. and yes one of them nudged me to post this up !! :P

Patience is what I need and sometimes I tend to lose it. Maybe of late my life was more of a depreciated mechanical instrument.  This was definitely not the way I started off, in the midst of this whole running race I somewhere lost myself.  And maybe sometimes I did not bother finding myself back or rather preferred getting lost because that seemed easier. But then one fine morning I get up and find myself again that’s the way I am J

Hear me out before you decide, I belong to myself before I belong to the world, I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s , my dreams might seem weird to you but they are my own , I live for them,  you might find it weird but trust me that is where my happiness lies. And if at all you care believe in me and let me fly.  For this is all I want from you , a younger me needs my help , I have promises to keep that I made to her, she deserves to live to explore to grow and not bound by timelines.

And she listened to her heart yet again!

She had  a scalpel in her hand.She mustered the courage and brought it to what seemed like  fine green thick lines on her wrist.Her hands had stopped shaking and mouth was dry..but the pain did not abate a bit.What and who was she supposed to think of before she left..Did they deserve to know about her?Did they care? If they did she might not have been in this position today would she? She thought of leaving behind a note.. Not because she wanted the world to know why she is leaving,but just not to let them assume things like they always did.She was also a human, might not be everything that they thought her to be or expected of her to become but she was very much made up of a heart that was capable of feeling and yes she had blood that could boil. They can see the blood after she leaves maybe that might prove that she was just one of them.That is what she was leaving behind , a pool of blood in the room, a lifeless body that would be visible to everyone. A heart released of the pain, a broken soul and a stream of unfulfilled dreams that would remain wrapped up in darkness. The pain she was suffering was something she could not stand anymore. Who says she is weak? She is just tired of being strong.

What difference would a good bye note make? It isnt going to be laminated and hunged up anywhere. Maybe the good bye note may lead to yet another criticism and disappointment.  Its not like it would matter anymore.  But who is to be responsible for this? No doubt its going to be her. Cowardly act indeed.  But she did ask for help did not see? But was she ever noticed or understood? Maybe she should finally vent it all out before leaving.  The thoughts destroyed her even more. Was she supposed to be thankful sorry or just another complaining human being. She did not want to play the blame game. Hasn’t there been enough of the blaming shaming stuffs in her life?Its just her ,she is in pain, she wants to end it.  She tried, she did all she could. But she had come to a point in her life where giving up seemed easier. They might say it is not the right thing to do. But nobody lived her life, nobody walked in her shoes. She lived it. Maybe she should let them know everything how exactly she felt. She could not write anything and looked at the blank paper. It remained empty with stained tear marks. She could not have described it any better. That is how she felt. 

So that was it one impulsive move and it will all end. She kept telling herself “do it, do it, you can do it.” There was silence in the room. If insensate things could ever feel then maybe they were also waiting for the end, specially the clock which tick tocked impatiently every second. Time never waits! That’s right. She whispered “do it and just free yourself,what are you waiting for?what do you want?” She heard that heavy sound from within, that was her heart beating fast like really fast. As if it was pleading her to let it beat, it did not want to stop beating irrespective of how it felt. It spoke "give it a chance just for tonight." What a fool she was! she thought dying would be easier than living!! She was weak because she wanted to end it and at the same time not strong enough to end it.

She threw the scalpel back into the drawer. Opened her diary and scribbled “same shit, another day sorry night.”  And there dies another pen, another broken nib.

They were perfect for each other, but never met..

The clock had stopped at 12, yet time flew. He knew the exact time when the clock had stopped but he did not know when his life came to a stand still. Through the fumes of smoke he could see that smile , that one smile his heart been aching for, maybe for years now.  The smile that had touched his soul. He remembered the chestnut tree , the summer breeze and the enchanting smile that took his breath away. A myriad of emotions flooded over him as he smoked. He thought he was burning memories. But that’s the thing about memories you only burn yourself by trying to burn them. They are always safe somewhere deep within your soul , your heart. He had sewed his lips shut just like his heart in which she remained untouched and pure. 

The fuming smoke from the cup had an aroma of the by gone days. She closed her eyes and travelled to a world not known by anyone, limitless and boundless.  She was bubbling with happiness as his eyes followed her. She wanted to get wrapped in his arms, that was her solace. The warm liquid burnt her lips,the cup slipped from her hands  and crashed on the floor.And she realised reality does hurt. She could not hold or hug the memories but could only feel the void that could never be filled.  There were things she always wanted to tell him but she was scared and her voice faltered. 

She knew he loved smoking and she was just one of those cigarettes he burnt daily. And he knew he was just another cup in her life that would crash on the ground.  They were perfect for each other, lived in each others thoughts but never met.