How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

I woke up this morning all smiling. It was nothing, just a message. It did not make anything all right; it was just a small favour. A kind gesture that made me smile. It made me happy. Oh yea I love him!!

I wish I could keep a count on the number of times I dial his number and disconnect it just because my hands tremble and the number of times I tell myself “just relax and take a deep breath.” I cannot ignore the butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. And once in a blue moon when his name flashes on my phone ……calling my heart skips so many beats. The only time I felt my name sounds good was the only time I heard him call my name. Sometimes he speaks and I am lost. I don’t know if his words make sense I just listen to his voice and get lost in it like a 13 year old school girl.. Maybe now I know what it means when they say “he took my breath away.” I wonder if the blind winged cupid has shot his arrow at me. I ask myself of all people why him? Why fall for someone you are not supposed to? I never knew the answer would be so simple. It is him because of what and how I feel when he is there. It is about the smile that flashes on my face when I talk to him. It is about that one short minute happiness that makes me feel life is perfect.

I wonder if he would ever think about me..What if he never finds me? Then I just smile thinking about all those small little moments that made me happy. A silent tear wets my cheek and all I say is I chose to love you in silence for in it I find no rejection. I chose to love you in your loneliness for in it no one owns you but me. You are that part of my life which will never be anything short of a dream. I might never get the chance to be together with you but I am always happy that whatever memories I have of you will always be pure and untouched.

What strange creatures brothers are!

As much as I hate to admit it, I am glad my first teddy bear was not bought from any store but I inherited it from the person who I remember being the first one to pull my cheeks. Even I have an old photograph showing him pulling my cheeks with the sole objective of teasing and irritating me. And the teddy bear still remains a prized possession maybe that is the reason why while donating my old toys I did not part with it though it is now physically a bit handicapped. I am glad I am not an only child but having an elder brother like him sometimes confuses me “Am I adopted?” He being a perfectionist and I being just the opposite. 

I grew up aping him in every possible way. I cannot even draw a straight line without a ruler and yet I took part in painting and drawing competitions only because he is a great painter. Someway or the other I tried my best to be like him. If he drew or painted something I would try my best to copy it. It would never be like the original one. If it’s a scenery mine will always have three triangles as mountains and finally I would rush to dad for help. He would draw it and I will just fill the colours and feel good.  But most of the times he would draw me a joker and ask me to colour it. KThe only time I took part in debate competition was in 6^th grade and I did win. But the reason behind the participation remains the same he used to be a great debater. The 12 years I spent in school my first identification was as AK’s sister. I admit I hated it. He irritated me like hell teasing me every time I scored the highest in class or an “A”in projects and practical. “The teacher knows you are my sister.” Little did I know back then that few years later he would be an inspiration for me...Every achievement of mine has been coupled up with his success story. When I won a gold pendant in a writing contest the first thing my grandfather said was “ Bhai is a gold medallist, he got a gold medal and here now you have a gold pendant.” He has somewhat been a shadow and an inseparable part of mine. 

We truly have the weirdest relationship. Since childhood we never had much to talk to each other maybe because of the age gap between us. We fought, we irritated each other and I would be the crying baby all the time.We argue like crazy and the next moment we forget without having to say sorry. Together we watched tom and jerry, listened to our favourite songs, played cricket and had the worst kind of pillow fights. I enjoyed sneaking into his stuffs and that irritated him like crazy.I loved reading his personal diary that he wrote as a kid and I still do that. When he shifted, it felt like I had the whole house to myself and I got a direct passport to his belongings.  But the very interesting act of sneaking into his stuffs just lost its charm when he was not around. I hate to admit it but yes I do miss him. Even till date we rarely talk, our conversations mostly take place over facebook and whatsapp. Generally we talk when I am in shit like my phone breaks down, my laptops stops working,  myanti virus expires, my camera setting gets messed up. Blame it on the age gap and his silent shy nature we might not have been the closest of friends.We might act like we don’t care but we know each other’s hearts. We know each other as we always were or maybe more with every passing day. Despite the distance and everything we do know some where or the other we depend a lot on each other even on small little things. 

To the outside world we all grow old but not to our siblings. We live outside the touch of time.

Happy Birthday Bhai!! :)

Much Ado About Nothing!

“Arey!!Long time! You still look the same..So when is your son getting married?”  This is definitely not something that I am going to ask a friend 30 40 years from now if I happen to bump into him or her at a shopping mall. But this is what a lady asked my mom and she happens to be my mom’s friend and I don’t know how good friends they are or rather were but definitely they had met after ages. And she continues with her blabbering “these days it is so hard to find single nice girls, every other girl has a boyfriend. So better hurry up! Find a beautiful daughter in law. But it is always a relief if your children themselves select their partners that is a relief and sometimes a headache but definitely relieves us from the headache of hunting for a well settled and educated son in law and a beautiful daughter in law. Arey she is your daughter?? She is so slim!!What does she do? When will she get married?” And the next question is directly fired at me “so you have a boyfriend?”  You seriously need a doctor dear lady! My mom answers the boyfriend query which was even more depressing “she is doing CA so no scope for a boyfriend, and a tension for me God knows when she will be completing her education and by the time she settles down don’t know what must have happened to me.”  The worst part about such a situation is you have to fake a smile and pretend as if you just love this awesome conversation. People still think our generation does not know how to start and hold a conversation. I can bet I could have had a much more sensible conversation than this. It is still acceptable for the lady mentioned above to talk about all this, she being a friend was “just curious and concerned.” But it is even worse with the ladies you come across in jewellery shops. Jewellery shops- a nightmare for me, I mean it. It is awkward when almost all the jewellery shops of the city happen to be my clients (I mean my boss’s clients ofcourse) . whenever I visit a jewellery shop with mom I am sure every damn sales person out there thinks I will be getting married in a few months time. I don’t blame them. Anyone can get that misconception by listening to the way my mom talks to me asking me which one I like most. Neither it is a book shop nor a shoe showroom why would I like any of the stuff that she shows and asks me if I like it?  Sometimes it is even worse “won’t it look good on you if you wear on your wedding?” Now when on earth am I getting married? From where did this come from? Maybe the tanishq advertisement might have made my mom think that jewellery would make me imagine my wedding. How lame! I just look at her and say “take whatever you like I am not going to wear any of that.” I see her pissed off expression to my pissed off reaction. But that reminds me of the day when I bought a hot pant and she said no matter what she would not let me wear it and go anywhere. Tit for tat! ;) Well I really never have to make a choice or say I like it because there are so many ladies out there shopping who love to give free advises. Before I can answer someone sitting next to mom would be more interested to see what we are buying leaving whatever she was trying out. “It is beautiful, are you taking it for your daughter in law? Look at this I got this long necklace for my daughter in law, the wedding will take place next month, she is in Dubai. I thought she would be getting this type of stuff so I have to exchange it for something else. I had gifted her diamond set on their engagement.” I wanted to ask her “are we getting an invitation card?’:P  Then she started blabbering tips on what to get for a daughter, daughter in law and son in law. Perhaps sons don’t wear jewellery. :P Finally when she noticed my presence there was a question so you are taking this for her wedding? “GOD!” Can’t these people think of anythingelse? :-O  Finally when I am totally pissed off I just walk out of the showroom and wait outside.

                                                                And how can we miss the family functions? Someone or the other must be getting married or maybe about to get married and somewhere it is your turn next. And then there are so many uncles and aunties who are always more concerned about us than their own children. And the funny part they see us once in a blue moon at some so called family function where we are actually forcefully dragged by our parents. “Your son has a girl friend and you don’t know??When will they get married?” Then your parents have that feeling “oh god the whole world knows and we don’t!”  I wonder why the so very confident uncles and aunties do not talk about their dear son and daughter’s love life. Not like our parents are not aware of what is cooking up in the respective uncle aunties’ chunu munu’s lives but they would never ask or talk about them.  It was even more interesting when my maid asked me when I will be completing my education and getting married. And my reply made her say “yes these days girls marry late, career is their first priority.” Even a cousin of mine told me that I should be marrying early, especially if I don’t have a boyfriend. Two years from now will be the apt age for getting married. And the reason is if you marry late you don’t get good guys, you get the left overs . What is the guarantee that you don’t get a second hand third hand or maybe a left over only even if you marry early? I mean you cannot guarantee anything. She advised me to get myself a boyfriend, so that even if I marry late I would have the best option as per my preference. Point noted. Conclusion- whatever!  I remember the first time I had cooked at home when my mom was out of the city for a few days and my granny was praising me and appreciating the little I did to a family friend and the lady just looked at me and said “what is the big deal? That is what every girl has to do after she gets married?”  Really? Is that the reason why you got married? A few kind words could have just made me happy and perhaps the next time you had visited I would have cooked something for you. But forget it you are married you can cook for yourself and eat.

                                                                Sometimes it is like you were born just to get married at some point of time. And then your parents have the feeling that it is time they should be done with their responsibility of getting you married. The sooner the better maybe..

                                                             I never grew up dreaming of a prince charming on a white horse, rather a wizard on a broomstick sipping butter beer and then it turned into a vampire on a silver Volvo exploring the world in the wink of an eye..  ;) I find it funny when couples behave stupid in a book store holding hands and the stupid mushy talks and trust me it is always the girl who behaves stupid. :P It is more fun to be a spectator to such a nuisance than playing the dumb girl holding hands and being mushy with a guy in a bookstore. (Love birds no offence intended, but kindly find a better place) So is it what my cousin meant how my life would be if I had a boyfriend? It feels better dreaming of owning a bookstore like that having all my favourite world class novels. (Don’t get me wrong I am not unromantic :P )  What exactly did she want to say that 2 years from now would be the apt age for getting married? I would not be looking that old? I can find a nice guy who is not a left out sorry left over or whatever? But who can guarantee that two years from now if at all I get married the guy would be a clean sheet I mean a prince out of fairy tale. Practically and frankly speaking it does not matter who you get married to what matters is you live happily ever after with that person. It does not matter how many girls he has dated before, what matters is I being the last. Whoever is reading this knows very well how difficult it is to get a guy like in movies “still waiting for my dream girl types” and trust me these days even if you come across such guys you end up thinking is he gay? All these years he never had a crush how is that possible? :P  And moreover it is not that easy to get a guy who will let me have a hookah bar at our place on an open terrace with Egyptian light fixtures.( I am serious!!)

Few days back a friend told me “every time I meet you, I am amused. You are so different.” I took it as a compliment and told him” yea I am different I also feel I don’t fit in anywhere.” But then I come to know by different he meant to ask if I am straight. :\ what made him raise such a doubt? He laughed and said “ almost all my friends who are of our age are either dating someone or are in a committed relationship and few have also planned up to settle down in 2 years time and here I see you single no crushes nothing.” What do I tell about my crushes, my last crush was on a hot and handsome guy who I stalked like crazy and came to know he was divorcee. :-O :P They say there is an apt age for getting married (for both a girl and a guy). Personally I believe age is just a number and in what way can a number judge your maturity? One should get married when he is ready to do so. It does not matter if he or she is 24 or 28 or even 30. I like enjoying my mud chocolate pastry alone and I would not ever like the fact that I am forced to share it with someone just because everyone believes that eating it all alone is not a good thing. Why not give me the time to get bored of eating alone? And then I might not mind sharing it with someone. When my mom asked me what I would like to wear on my wedding it irritated me maybe because I am not yet matured or ready to even think about getting married. Maybe if she had asked few years from now when I feel it is time to settle down I might have given her a list of things I would like.  Once you are done with your education and you have a job, if you are a guy you will always be asked to earn and save get yourself a house and get married. And if you are a girl work for a year or two then all your decisions will be based upon whoever you are going to marry, starting from which city you have to live in to where you have to work or maybe not work. Maybe the guy did not really want to buy a house at that point of time or maybe the girl did not want to quit her promising career. But they had to because it was the apt age according to others for settling down. But the first thing I would like to do once I complete my studies will be going down to GOA!! :D (Besties who are interested ping me after a year :P) I look forward to so many more exciting stuffs to do in my life like opening up a hookah bar(yes I know it is banned!!Does not matter I and my hubby will have it on our terrace you can join :P) , a tattoo parlour and a spa! Earning as much as possible and spending them on road trips and on travelling the whole world. Rafting, scuba diving, sky diving and so much more. And maybe writing a book on how to run a successful hookah bar and how to survive 3 years of articleship or maybe how to screw up your relatives :P I find all this more exciting than the whole idea of getting married. K

                      If our elders so much believe in the whole concept of getting married on time and everything then they should also believe in the saying that marriages are made in heaven. If they actually are made in heaven why make the whole thing complicated? When the angels in heaven are ready to sing the wedding bells will definitely ring. ;)

Thank you Glasses! :-|

As a kid I fancied spectacles, people wearing them amused me. Then there was a misconception that people wearing glasses are intellectuals, they have damaged their eyes by studying. I wished to be in that category but little did I know back then that I was being fooled. If I wear spects I will be termed as a genius. Even the parle-G kids “g=genius” used to wear those cute nerdy glasses sometimes. Once a dream , now a need. People using glasses are definitely talented, whether the two nerds winning the bournvita quiz competition or the singing sensation on the music competition (no idea how singing spoilt his/her eyes). Reading ‘My experiments with truth’ at the age of 9 never seemed like an achievement rather it created another misconception “Great men always wear spectacles.” Wait! I am not a great Gandhi fan just that my mom fooled me back then talking about freedom fighters,the Satyagraha moment and blah blah and made him a hero in my mind .. It was during my 10^th ICSE boards that I realised what a pain Mr Glasses has been, the longest chapter in history civics.(No offence intended)  Anyways the moral was that great people did not just burn midnight oil but their eyes aswell. And our dear doctors, how can I ignore them? They are supposed to be exceptionally brilliant and I rarely find a doctor without glasses. People with spectacles looked cool and at the same time nerdy. How much I wished I could use one! Sadly one day the wish got fulfilled. L

                          It was a time when I even wanted zero power glasses and now I am not a so proud owner of so many glasses unfortunately none are zero powered.  I don’t know what connection was there between my eyes and the unwanted headache, somehow I ended up with an eye test with a negligible negative power. This resulted in the fulfilment of a long awaited wish.  Now I also belong to the intellectual nerd category! But I was told I had spoilt my eyes because of television, computer, not eating green vegetables and reading novels while lying on bed. Huh! Every other person on earth using glasses was a sincere, hardworking and diligent student and I was none of it inspite of using nerdy glasses.  Anyways this did not kill the excitement afterall there were people in school who I had to show off my new look. ;) Some boys told me I looked like Preity Zinta from “kal ho na ho.” Boys always talk NONSENSE!!! The compliment comment or whatever it was did not matter. I felt the glasses made me look a year older and it was not even that fun using it all the time. And I hated it when girls in school would wear my glasses, go wow you really are blind, I don’t go up to someone who can’t walk, sit in their wheel chair and ask wow you really can’t walk. :\ What was meant for a constant use turned into a rare use.Glasses lost their charm very soon. Even trendy frames could not make me feel trendy. For one or two years it was always a rare use thing, till the letters on the blackboard seemed just like scattered white stuff.  Once again I became a proud owner of new glasses with a new range of power. The word constant use was never taken seriously. Again after a year or so I asked a girl sitting next to me in a class “can you see whatever is being projected on the screen? I find it difficult to read it I can’t see it properly.” I wondered how she was able to copy down everything this soon while I was struggling to even see one word. She replied in a cool manner “yea it is totally clear and visible.” So I had to depend on her i.e. copying down from her notes. It was time for another pair of new glasses. The damage was done. Constant use was now a must thing. The use has become this constant that now there are times I push up my glasses and realize I am not wearing any. And then there are times I use broken glasses and I am not even aware of it till it hurts my finger. This is what I call proper constant use. Not because I enjoy it but because I am blind without it. And I am so blind that sometimes I can’t make out if they are cracked.  :-P

                                                                                Glasses never add charm to your beauty rather they make you feel old with every passing day. And contact lenses come to your rescue. Not like they are damn comfortable but with time you get used to them. But it is something I avoid wearing to a 5 hours class and 8hours office. One of the basic reasons why people in my office and class ask me “Is that actually you on facebook? What happens to you when you come to office?” I become “behen ji.” K To make it worse working on a client’s system will make you feel more miserable. Sometimes I find my nose touching the computer screen. Crapped screen systems specially designed for auditors it seems. Sometimes I would be using contact lens and at the same time put up my glasses and panic “what the hell happened to my eyesight now?”:-O Damn I am so used to wearing glasses! But there is always a sense of happiness that almost all my close friends are “chasmish” :-D And there are some who are worried about the fact what they will do on their wedding, a pair of glasses never suits bridal attire. :-P I cannot imagine a day without my glasses. And the most difficult part “Eye Test.” I am still not sure if I am wearing the right powered spectacles.  :P Without glasses the whole reading box seems white and it is even more depressing when you stare at the reflecting mirror and you cannot even see your own face just a blurred face is visible. You are made to read with so many glasses and you are asked to choose the best. Seriously I have never been able to say which is the best. The doctor would ask “Is this good?Can you read? Read.” Then he would put up another glass and ask the same. If your answer is yes to both and you can read the letters then you are shot with another question “which is better?” And I don’t have an answer to that question, I keep saying “hmm maybe this no no maybe that hmmm.” Finally both of us would lose patience and I would blindly say yes this is better to one of the glasses. These days I don’t even say that I keep quiet and just “hmmm hmmm” till the doctor loses patience and selects one for me and asks me to read via both eyes. :P

                                     For people like me glasses are a basic necessity. No matter how careless I am the only thing that I handle with care are my glasses. This is dedicated to my dear glasses just to say “Thank you.”

The Happiness in earning a negligible Stipend! :P

“So how much are they going to pay you?” a friend asked me the day I joined office. This question made me realize I actually did not know how much they were going to pay me.                                        

“I don’t know I never asked them, stipend is the last thing I am concerned about. I am joining there to learn, to gain as much knowledge and experience as possible.” 

1 year later:

You lose Rs 100 per day per leave.
Our response :You can keep our whole stipend. Jitna toh dete ho! Huh!

At the client's office:

Client : So how much are they paying you??      

Me: Negligible!!

He laughs and says “I know that is why I did not join CA .”

Me: What?You did not join CA because of the articleship stipend??

Again he laughs his unique ahahahhah :\  

Client: No, I did not like the idea of being slogged and tortured for free for more than 3 years in the name of articleship and then appear for exams which you are not even certain of passing, so I pursued CFA. I did not wish to become bald doing CA.

His face at this moment reminded me of a "winking smiley" and my mind started racing did he mean that I would be bald by the time I become a CA? This was seriously the last thing I wanted to talk about early in the morning.

I smile and tell him "you are smart."

But the smart guy was not smart enough to realize that I am not blind, I could see even CFA had turned him bald. ;)

                        Initially stipend meant nothing even the first pay check could not cast any magical charm. Not till I got addicted to bournville and silk. A chocolate a day keeps stress away ;) Work helped me earn both stress and stipend. Stipend should be used to reduce stress. Simple logic!  Who would sponsor the weekend parties?? Had it not been the stipend? Well weekend parties are again stress reduction techniques and follow the same logic. With the amount of stipend we get one weekend party per month is at times difficult. At times even our travelling expenses are double the amount of what we get (thanks to the petrol prices!). Sigh!  

         And then for people like me who can actually hear a pair of shoes at a mall talking to them, begging them to take them and how lovely they would look on their feet!  Then there are people like my mom who would say “listen to the shoes already at home, they might feel neglected!” And who comes to save the poor shoes at the mall and fulfills their wish??Stipend! :D  And no matter how many shoes I buy I still don’t have anything to wear.  My shoes even ask me to get them a matching bag. To some extent stipend helps in satisfying all the unnecessary greed for shoes bags and what not!! ;) And obviously we cannot ignore our monthly phone charges. Thanks to stipend your parents know you don't waste time unnecessarily on phone. 

                                    One fine morning in the mid of a month I call up an office friend “Hey I was planning to colour up my hair this week sometime, maybe in the weekend. Even you wanted to colour up..so what say? This Sunday? "

She: yea I wanted to, but not possible this month. Stipend has still not been credited in our account and I have not paid my room rent yet!

Me: What the hell? Its already 15^th! No stipend! Are these people crazy?

She: Fund shortage maybe..!

Me: Then why make us work? We can stay at home they don’t have to pay us. 

                                       Back to the window shopping days. And to make it worse I have friends in other firms who would offer an ice cream and when I refuse “Yaar pata hai tum logon ko stipend nahi mili, you don’t have to pay. They make you slog for free. Sad!!.”  And then someday I get a message from a colleague “INSTIGATE all the articles we need to revolt.”  As if anyone is going to listen.These were the days when we would sit sipping a coffee at Cafe coffee day and wonder how life would be if our articleship gets extended, and a chorus reply to the thought "why not work as a waitress here?"This would definitely be a better thing to do.Morever a daily wage labourer earns more than us.   

                                     But trust me stipend really does not mean anything to us. We were here to learn, to gain experience. And this is what we have learnt from our experience nobody likes to get slogged for free. :P  Whatever meagre amount they pay me I don’t get it, I EARN it.

                                                                           

Being Sick!!

It is never a good feeling to be lying on the bed for the whole day with a hot water bottle popping pills and feeling sorry for yourself. It is one of those curl up and die days. I am not sure which part of my body hurts more. At around 3am I wake up freezing despite the blanket and the sweater and wonder if Damon actually can kill people in their sleep and if yes then it is the correct time he can do it now. It felt like death had chewed me up, ran over me like a freight train and is back for a second round.

 All this meant I was going to miss my morning class and I did miss it. It was not a good feeling to miss even one class of Forex. And ofcourse it meant no office aswell. But I did want a break from office and classes. And how much I missed my early morning sleep! But this is not exactly the way I thought I would get a break. Having breakfast, lunch and dinner on bed, something I perhaps missed. But these days I hardly get time for lunch at home forget having it on bed. Sleeping for hours on end ignoring the red light beeps on my blackberry is something I always wished I could do(not that I am that busy :P) and I finally did that. I don’t remember the last time I was this sick because since the day I have joined office I don’t remember taking any sick leave or rather despite being sick I had to work not because I love working but I badly needed to save my leaves for future. But with the amount of energy left in my body office seemed to be a distant dream sorry nightmare :P And finally a home alone experience after ages though all I could do was take random naps the whole day and curse the medicine companies for making bitter pills. L Do they ever taste the pills before selling? Bad customer service!! :P  Apart from that it seemed like there was an aching party inside my head and I was not invited to attend it. And all I could do was sleep get up eat sorry drink and sleep again. Liquid diet, another reason to worry about – weight loss!! Sigh! Despite all this being pampered by mom is something I missed. For 2 whole days I have not heard her complaining even once about my messed up room or whatever. :D

                  In between the naps I wonder how many hours I have been wasting like this. No office no classes yet I am not able to study. But I could not help it when every part of my body was out of order and there were no spare parts available. Finally mom woke me up from a sound sleep saying “look who is here.” All I could see via my blinking eyes were a bunch of beautiful yellow flowers. Oh wow flowers are here! :D Then I hear a chorus “Get well soon”!! Who says colleagues can’t be friends? Atleast in my case one of the few reasons I would ever like my office would be for the friends I have here. They surprised me, got me flowers and clicked my pictures definitely they are my people :P   Despite the weakness and the pain I could manage to sit, bitch and chit chat for hours about things that we will do once I am back in order. I even got the class notes I had missed that reminded me of school. After they left I slept again.

          

 Who says being sick is not fun? All you have to do is sleep, pop pills, get pampered, and get beautiful flowers, have lunch and dinner consisting of liquid diet on bed.... Still I cannot afford to fall sick again or waste my time and cry in pain!!